Hello there, Been with this girl for 5 years. Me 39 her 28. I went on a trip, come back to find her waiting for me to tell me she moved out. Cool, she had good reasons (dead bedroom, neither of us looks the way we used to), we had discussed the option before, I was pissed at how she went about it but low key thankful tbh. Thing is, convo goes from “I’ve moved out” to “I want us to keep trying” to “this is the plan for what we gonna do this week”. I was shellshocked and didn’t know what hit me tbh - not cause she moved out, but cause the instant 180. By the end of the day we had a nice walk, ann icecream, and I was back in the gym first time in years.
Fast forward, we’ve been living apart and “dating” for a year and she just moved back in - she had to leave her flat, I still have till EOY on mine and moving country then so actually happy to have a test run. Cause the funny part is, she’s been bending over backwards since and pretty much wife material after that scene.
I’ve seen some shit in my time but this I still haven’t been able to make sense of.
Two questions, 1. can someone explain the hell happened that day, and 2. your two cents on whether I should bring her with once I move.
Attempts to answer:
- Me instantly focusing on my rent doubling when she told me she moved out instead of begging her to stay told her she fucked up big time (“this guy doesn’t give two fucks I’m dumping his ass”) and tried to make up since
- Unreliability trumps amends she’s been making. Plus she’s in epiphany phase so good behaviour short term isn’t guaranteed in the long term. So no go.
GeorgeIII 1 1d ago
Re-read what you wrote.
Imagine a close, male friend of yours was in this exact situation. And that he asked you for advice.
What would you tell him to do with this woman? If he told you that he let her move back in with him, would you tell him it was a good idea?
Take that answer, and apply it to yourself.
Also, there is no need to “make sense” of why this happened.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1d ago
Once a woman tries to leave you or does there is no point in trying to make it work
The worst thing a woman can lose in a man is her emotional investment. Once she has lost a sufficient amount of emotional investment in a man she is physically open to other men etc.
I have a one-strike rule. If a woman says she wants to leave or already did it's over. I don't give her re-dos or second chances, those words should be we have crossed her mind and if they have at least never left her mouth
No-Stress-Cat 1d ago
Missing context. What kind of trip? Business, school, hanging with the boys, fucking other girls, or?
brazilianxof 1d ago
I think guys are overseeing this. You didnt break up, she Just moved out after, as you said, a dead bedroom and so.
You are back together and better for what i read. For a whole year. I think you are fine.
Musicgoon78 3 1d ago
She put a lot of thought into leaving. This wasn't a spur of the moment thing. Something went wrong. And she did it in a covert shitty way. You can tell yourself it's going to work out. I think she needs support and you're the guy to give her that. You need abundance so you're not putting up with this bullshit.
And wife material? Are you kidding me? She decides to leave you in a shitty way, you blame yourself and give her a free pass?
As someone who sees this from a different perspective, save yourself the heartache of getting used and find someone else, or even better, a few women.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1d ago
Have you read the sidebar?
Part of the sidebar is year one of The Rational Male blog which is also the first Rational Male book. Within that series of posts is this gem: Rooting Through Garbage.
Give that a read, and then read what you wrote again.
I also recommend you read this post from @mattyanon: Trying to make it work - why trying to make it work is fucking up your dating life.
mattyanon Admin 1d ago
Not sure how she could have done it better. She told you to your face. That's not too bad.
Well, this is fairly standard. She's attached, she doesn't want to make you angry..... and most damaging of all: she wants to keep her options open if her other ideas don't work out.
You do need to understand this dynamic and motivation in women.
So, she's moving back into her fallback position?
Sure she is. FOR NOW.
Eventually she will backslide and the same thing will happen.
And good chance she was fucking someone else in the gap.
She found someone else
When you understand her and everything that happened, you'll get your answer.
That's fair. She's ended things, you have every right to care only about yourself.
MentORPHEUS Senior Endorsed 22h ago
This was the relationship version of The Monty Hall Problem. If a woman offers you a chance to switch partners, ALWAYS Switch, because your statistical odds of a better outcome are much higher.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 4h ago
You're showing your age!
First-light 2 19h ago
You are right to be perplexed. What you have seen makes no sense. You cannot be seeing all the picture here.
First let's examine what you have seen. She left you with no warning because of "deteriorating looks and lack of interesting sex" You didn't lose your cool over it and she continued to see you and sleep with you, now she has moved back in. She is stone cold and self interested. She didn't think to warn you of her leaving, just did it and left you with double rent. But is perfectly Ok for you to keep seeing her. She say the bedroom is dead but she is happy to keep seeing you.
You did things well, but remember all you did was make things easy for her to do what she liked and call all the shots. She comes when she likes, she goes when she likes, you remain available. This is a good way to preserve access to a woman for sex. Well done there but this is a terrible woman to have a serious relationship with because she has total control and no empathy for your feelings. All she has done is what she wishes to do. She has not considered you. She has no investment in the idea of you and her having anything special, just what suits her.
This woman is entirely unsuitable as a life partner. As sex while she is available well fine, enjoy but do not invest in this woman, do not let this woman get in the way of you finding someone kinder and more genuine. So do not take this woman with you. Your relationship with her is a limiting commitment because you are maintaining a house built on a tectonic plate. She will never be wife material. She makes the sort of wife who changes the locks and serves divorce papers and a restraining order while you are away for the weekend. You can't sleep with weapons in the house and you would do well to never give her the combination to the safe.
Now as to what you cannot see; she decided to go through the expense of leaving you, did it in a stab in the back way and then worked on retaining you and rebuilding your relationship with her at a distance when it would have been easier up close. Why? Well what we can say is because it was worth it to her. Something made her prefer that idea to either staying or dumping you and moving on. She put something above you and her relationship with you that is no longer above you and her relationship with you.
Now beyond that its conjecture. I see two main candidates. She has been with an older man for some years. He lost his sparkle and started to look like just an old man. She felt limited and wanted to see what freedom and opportunity would bring. She went ahead in a remarkably childish and selfish way (Like a 16 year old should be ashamed to do). She took a look, while keeping her options open with you and found it more convenient to move back in. Most of this is likely to be true.
Is the bedroom still dead? If it is not, then probably there is something more to this one. Probably there was another man and even if she had not banged him (which is very unlikely if the bedroom was dead), she certainly wanted the space to be free to bang him while retaining you as a safe backup.
Whatever the reason, had she cared about you, she would have told you she was leaving. She only cared about making it easiest for her. Do not invest.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 4h ago
LOL