UPDATE:

It was extremely hard for me, but I told her to pack her shit and leave. She literally left a few minutes ago. I feel devastated and miserable, almost vomited after crying my heart out when I saw her closing the door behind her. Swallowing the pill is hard.

I have so many good memories of times with her which will kill me every time they come up in my mind, at least for a while. Thanks for the advice everyone.

I will have to contact her as she needs to pack some more things and I need to collect her latest rent payment. Apart from that, I will avoid communication.


I've been with this girl for almost two years, cohabiting for one year. We live in a fairly expensive city and both have good jobs. In terms of expenses and chores, we share everything 50/50.

Everything went extremely smoothly up to around 4 months ago. That's when she started denying sex once in a while and blaming it on her tiredness. The worst episode happened when I was going down on her and she suddenly stopped me saying that she didn't want this. That same night she confessed that she had feelings of wanting to fuck other people, especially girls. I almost kicked her out and broke up, but she started saying that everyone has those kind of feelings and that she's not going to act upon those. In that moment I felt like she was right and gave her another chance.

I focused on making myself less available and not reacting to her bullshit. This kind of fixed the sex situation.

In the last month she went to three different parties with her coworkers. I am fine with her doing her own thing. I don't enjoy partying that much and prefer to stay at home.

  • The first time, she told me she would be coming back at 10PM. She came back at 3AM. I phoned her multiple times as I was worried something happened, but she only replied at 3AM. I was furious and we had an argument. She agreed to update me if she changes her plans.

  • Second time, she did the exact same thing. I didn't bother calling her or being worried. When she came back, I told her that I want her to do her own thing, but to just fucking tell me if she's going to change her plans. We had another argument where she rationalized her actions saying that "she was happy at the party and forgot about it" and that "she wants to be independent".

  • Third time, she did the exact fucking thing again. Except this time, she crashed at her coworkers' place. And then she sent me a long email in the morning.

The email begins with

I apologize for my behavior in the last week.

Then she explains how she fucked up again with communicating and rationalizes it as before. Then she says she wants to be honest about her feelings:

I am in love with you and feel extremely happy. You've made me a more confident, happier, and relaxed person. I enjoy how we live together and the things we do.

I also feel like I am trapped at times. I would like to explore other emotional relationships, and I feel frustrated because you don't empathize with my anxiety or negative feelings. I still think about having sex with other people sometimes but I believe our relationship is more important. But I still don't know if this is going to last.

I am not able to prioritize you above the fact that I'm out having fun. The fact that communicating a change of plans is hard for me, that it feels like a chore and something that I'm obligated to do, even after your feedback, is a bad sign.

I sometimes think that in order to become even more confident and to self-actualize, I need to be independent of you. Perhaps this is wrong, because I've come so far already in this relationship. I'm frustrated by how you see this as "final": no breaks, no open relationships, no staying friends after breaking up. I wish I could take a break and be on my own for a month or two, but I don't want to lose you. I want you to be a part of my life extremely badly, and the connection we have is amazing, but I find it hard to give what you what you want. If that means I won't be able to have you, then I'm ready for the consequences. If you want to work it out, then we retry.

This email shocked me and I don't know how to react. Logically I should immediately hard next her, but I really enjoying her company and I have strong feelings for her. Additionally, I felt like cohabitation with her worked well both for practical reasons (money, flat management) and because apart from a few episodes everything always went smoothly.

I want to fix this, if possible. I don't know how. I would like some advice on how I can fix the situation.