I've been dating this girl for about a year, we are exclusive but never officialy gf and bf, however its very obvious we've caught feelings for eachother. I've been trying to break up but i cant just go through with it. I dont see a LTR in her but yet i dont want anyone else to have her. She is the best sex ive ever had and very fun to be around, but on her bad days she is toxic, nasty and controlling. She has had kind of a sad upbringing and i dont wanna break her heart, whats the best way to do this? Should i just tell her the truth about the things i dont like about her? Is it better to just tell her i wanna date other people?
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Vermillion-Rx Admin 3d ago
In AskTRP you're required to also try to answer your own question in the post somewhere
StrongWoman 3d ago
I don't know how many times I have read this now, and I also don't know why so many people seem to ignore this.
And to the initial question: So, you are trying to break up with her, because she is toxic, but you also don't want anybody else to have her. Are you a girl?
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2d ago Stickied
1) @redpillschool is working on a lock feature so that I can lock posts that don't have it till they do have it added
2) I can just start DM'ing people it so you don't have to read it. I was publicly adding it so other users would see it, it was a public service announcement in a way and did work on a lot of longer users who hadn't posted since the rule
3) most of the accounts not adding it just registered
4) @redpillschool is also working on a banner message or other sign on the posting page telling users to do it here before they post (i think)
Either way I'll just start DM'ing people the rule so no one has to keep seeing it, i think it's known enough now. Either way that was why. I'll just start DM'ing them
StrongWoman 2d ago
Oh, I did not in any way meant to say that I am annoyed by reading this, I was just wondering why people don't follow this rule, but your point 3) has cleared that up.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2d ago
I appreciate it, Either way you arose a good point that i could merely say the same thing on a DM
First-light 3d ago
Why never official? Something is wrong there after a year. I expect the reason you should break up is there and follow that reason when you talk the break up through as it will be the truth.
You don't have to say what you don't like about her. You don't have to tell her you want to date others. Just tell her you know it won't work out and so you want to move on. The reason it won't work out is probably related to why after a year of banging her, she still isn't even called your girlfriend.
MiracleAligner 3d ago
She travels and i have a full time job, so we spend a few months together and then i have to go visit her wherever she is every few weeks. She's not fro my country but travels in my region. I think the reason we were never official is that, plus my lack of commitments. I wanted to fuck other people but honestly never really found someone better then her.
SeasonedRP 1 1d ago
If she travels, you may be exclusive but she isn't. Guaranteed. Women who travel fuck other men and aren't LTR material.
alchemist 19h ago
^ This.
Google professions that have the highest infidelity, travel nurse, flight attendant ...
But he said she's not employed? That's even more sketchy. Sounds like those Ukranian women who left their husbands and families to die in the war and "married" rich German/ Dubai men.
AbusiveFather1 3d ago
how do you know she hasn't been fucking other people on the side?
First-light 3d ago
What is her job?
Were you non committal and she very keen or did it just suit you both?
Its just strange for a woman not to want to reel you in and claim you, unless she has good reasons.
MiracleAligner 2d ago
I honestly dont know where she gets her money. It's a mystery to me, she doesnt work. I know she doesnt do OF but i dont know where she gets the money from.
She always talked about how she only wants me. She would always encourage me to get a remote job and travel with her. Everytime she visited she would make me spend every second with her, possesively. Every time she was abroad she would ask me to come visit her and never leave. Always cried when i had to leave. I think she was a bit too 'proud' to verbally say she wants commitment but she would always hint that i should ask her.
AbusiveFather1 2d ago
Man how does this not raise a lot of questions for you? She could literally be an escort that yes - is in love with you - but a whore nonetheless
First-light 2d ago
This is highly likely. The other less likely option I can think of is a trust fund heiress who does not want to be taken for a ride.
I am thinking you really need to dig down into this to find the answers to your relationship issues unless you really just want to bin her no questions asked and move on happily (which I think you are reluctant to do).
You are shooting your load up this woman and you don't even know how she feeds herself. On one level you are very intimate and on another total strangers.
Follow the benefit. What benefit does she get from you? Its the affection and attention only. She is definitely having her cake somewhere else and eating yours too if that is all she wants. Does she really want commitment or would just feel good to be asked? Is she using you or you using each other? Could it be made to work with a more frank discussion?
At the moment it looks like you both want more than your fair share. You want to bang others but don't want anyone else to have her, she wants affection on tap and then wants to piss off god knows where to do god knows what. Could the mutual affection that is there be made to work with an open conversation and a change of dynamic? You won't know if you don't find out about her life.
MentORPHEUS Senior Endorsed 3d ago
Have frame, and have standards.
When it comes to breakups, it's best to just rip the bandage off decisively.
Bruh. Once again, frame and standards. Read up on these in the sidebar.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3d ago
This is retarded man. You DON'T want her for life but also DON'T want anyone else to have her after you end things.
This is actually selfish and ego-driven.
Sounds like you're too serious for what she's worth to you.
At some point you need to just tell her you don't want a relationship or assert that you want something else. And yeah, that means she'll start seeing other people.
What else are you going to do? Keep up the ruse until she branch swings or ends it herself and sees other people anyway?
All you're doing is delaying the inevitable
alchemist 1d ago
Just went through a situation like this - as Vermillion said it can only be closed on her end when you don't treat her recreationally.
If you already have the thought of breaking up (as you noted she has a handful of red flags) why continue to further complicate your life and justify why. You understand just because a woman empties your balls doesn't mean she deserves the "girlfriend" status. Good.
Now follow through, initiate the talk then burn the ships. I understand the troubled upbringing factor but so do all of us, it's a feature not a bug of being human. SHE'S NOT YOUR WIFE BRO. You don't owe a justification, unless she asks, she will point and sputter, cry and call you controlling. Hold your frame.
If she asks what you think is wrong with her, you can give the sugar-coated answer, and say these are my non-negotiables, I can't take a woman seriously that does X Y Z. Take it or leave it. If she's been respectful, offer closure, in person probably is best, but a phone call will also do. But in your case, one year is a relatively long time, I'd do in person.
When one door closes, a better one opens. Have patience.
mattyanon Admin 3d ago
Well, that's a bit fucked up.
Well, then she doesns't deserve a LTR.
Keep her as a non exclusive FWB.
Oh god.
EVERYONE has a sad upbringing. I have had a sad upbringing, where's my sympathy and pity sex? Fucking EVERYONE has a painful backstory. If you think this girl has had it hard, try listening to the stories of men - especially around dating, marriage, sex, divorce, etc.
You are not responsible for her.
Don't tell her the bad things about her.
You tell her straight "I am breaking up with you"..... and then the trick is to not give reasons or start negotiating.
You agree to meet after a week (once she's accepted it) and then you tell her that you are not compatible.
That's it. Don't go into details, there's no point.
Say things like "always be friends".
And then don't fuck her, obviously.
AbusiveFather1 3d ago
all you had to do was ask!
pofkaf 1 3d ago
Just keep banging her indefinitely. Never commit or agree to exclusivity. If she brings up being in an LTR, just give the stock answer of "I enjoy spending time with you, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now." Eventually she'll get fed up and walk away on her own accord.
This is "spinning plates 101." Read the sidebar to figure out how to do this successfully.
Musicgoon78 2 3d ago
This question gave me pause. I feel like somewhere along my journey I've been stuck in this sort of conundrum. It's hard to give up something you enjoy now because you don't see a future with that person. Continuing on while knowing it's not the right fit is settling, isn't it?
I think the best way to break up is just by being very direct. I don't disagree with all that the boys here said. That being said, if you really wanted to break up with this girl, you would have.
Here what I suggest: it's time to be very very direct. Lay out what you want from her and what you won't accept. These are your desires and boundaries. Make it crystal clear that this isn't a negotiable thing. She will either fall in line or not. You're not going to change a girl unless shes willing and doesn't want to lose you.
If she can't work with your desires and boundaries then you in your mind can let her go easier. It's simply on the fact that you are honest and tried.
What would you like from her if you stuck around?
No-Stress-Cat 3d ago
You might be, but guaranteed she's not. Toxic women are never exclusive. Women who travel are never ever exclusive. Toxic women who travel are never never ever exclusive. You're not "official", which means every dick she takes up the ass is not cheating.
You're only playing yourself here, young brother. You want to break up, but you were never "together" to begin with, so there's nothing to break up. Just go fuck other women. You'll get over your oneitis in no time.