Hey all, not new to TRP but new to this site. Anyway, been in a 4 month relationship with this girl where, up until about last week, I had impeccable frame. I broke that a couple times this past week by showing jealousy/neediness. I want to regain that frame. In a nutshell, I made assumptions and drew conclusions of things that were not happening and made myself look retarded in the process.
Up until this point, the girl has essentially worshiped me, which makes it worth it to me to try and regain that frame I had her in. She drove half an hour to sleep over at my place last night, we fucked several times, she praised me throughout the night, gave me a massage, etc. things that make me feel like all is not lost. Also what helps is that this girl has even said herself that I am more attractive than she is by a couple points, so that helps as well (she doesn’t think she’s pretty even though she is). However, I have noticed small things here and there through texts that indicate things weren’t exactly as they have been, and I would like to get back to that.
Does anyone have any tips on how to regain that lost bit of frame other than just try and act your best like nothing ever happened? We talked about it, I said I was not in the right headspace due to workload. She is a very caring girl so I believe her when she said she understood and that she wants to move past it, onward and upward. Guessing I should just act normal and never bring it up again in order to rebuild that bit of lost frame over time?
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
All you can do is carry on, learn and do better next time.
Don't pretend like it never happened.
Don't bring it up unless she does.
First-light 1 1y ago
Sometimes digging back into the error with her does not help, it sems to engrave it in her memory -she clearly had just cause to feel bad because you have acted like it was serious, so it was. It also tends to require a new round of apology for neediness and jealousy and that can lead to her being standoffish until enough beta grovelling and neediness in further apology has been exhibited.
If you have said sorry honestly and kindly, just carry on as you would like to continue. The more you ink in the lapse the worse it can be.
As to what you do in your head, that is another matter. There you need to re-arrange your thoughts to reflect the reality not suspicion or fear. Of course there can always be cause for suspicion or fear but where no reasonable cause has been found its good to think reinforcing thoughts about her, to look objectively at her and praise what you love about her, to try to avoid bad behaviours by trying to teach yourself to think first, speak second.
Durek_The_Bald 1y ago
This. Pretty much exactly what I wanted to say.
Usually, when we say "there's no such thing as relationship equity", we're talking about how all the "good things" you did in the past, doesn't matter for how she feels about you now.
But the other side of that is, women forget the "bad things" you did as well. If it's not part of your general behaviour, usually all you have to do is move on, and pretend it didn't happen.
Basically, for good and for bad, women exist in a moment-to-moment reality. And all you have to do is not to engrave the bad through repetition. Even an apology is repetition/reminding of something bad, so save those too for when you really mess up.
Goldfish memory ftw!
Intrepid_Place53900 1 1y ago
women never "forget" the bad things.
They may put them aside, or not. But they never forget.
This girl seems to want to make this work, she see's him as a LTR, so this is a good test for her. She seems him as "worth" it.
Durek_The_Bald 1y ago
Maybe when it comes to specific "bad actions" you did, they don't. Like you cheated on her with her sister, or something. Or stole from your kids' college fund to support your gambling habit.
That's not what I mean though. I'm talking about the beta behavior stuff - the stuff that is just unattractive, but not morally "bad" or "wrong".
Emotionally, they're all about here and now. If you're hot now, you've always been hot. If you're unattractive now, you've always been unattractive.
So the solution for those sorts of behaviors is just: stop doing it, and don't mention in further.
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
Women are so weird. I sent my ex a sexually explicit song about how it reminded me of her, pretended like I wanted to talk to her and then ghosted her which completely pissed her the fuck off, and now I posted how I got a promotion at my new job and she sends me a congratulations DM on instagram. Logically if somebody did that to me I’d stop talking to them but women really are in the here and now. At the time of her sending that message to me her feelings were different and so her perception of me was different.
I got exiled from my friend group because of her all because they listened to her words. Pissing off a woman is a good way to make her wet, but it’s also a good way to make dudes who don’t understand women weary of you. I bet if they asked her what she thinks of me now it’d be different.
It’s hard for me to fully accept this though. Women really have their entire perception of reality based on what feelings pop up at any given time? If I make a woman so angry she wants to slash my tires and the next day it’s like none of that ever happened?
McNuggets7272 1y ago
Thanks man, I appreciate the thoughtful response. It does raise another question that’s related and something I have struggled with in past relationships as well.
While this girl is no saint (we know none are and all have skeletons in their closets), she has proven time and again that she is trustworthy and solid LTR material.
Now, I’ve been consuming TRP community content for nearly a decade now, and have had several relationships during that period. Some have lasted two weeks, others 2-3 years. The “success” I have had in dating during that time can definitely be attributed to applying the lessons from TRP.
However, after seeing all the horror stories others have posted about on the Reddit sub over the course of this past decade, I really struggle with trust. Even if a girl shows me she can be trusted, I always imagine the worst will happen. I have started to see TRP as a blessing, but also a curse, at the same time because of these stories that have led my mind to believe that no woman can ever be faithful. For instance, this girl literally just let me know as I was typing out this response that she’s planning on going out of town to visit her friend next week during some time she has off from work. I don’t know if this is a shit test or if she is actually going.
I understand the beta response would be to get upset and to let her know my frustration. Which, as we know, would just push her away. I just responded “oh nice, that’ll be fun for you” and “that’s great!” after she went into further detail about it.
Unfortunately, I know I am faking this and I’m going to have to continue to feign enthusiasm. I know Chad would not have to fake this response. Yes, I know I can get women with relative ease, but now it seems like I have oneitis for this girl. Really stuck here, not sure what to do. I guess if the relationship breaks, it breaks, but I’d rather that not happen if possible. Not sure if you have any additional advice, but would definitely appreciate it if so.
ObliviousDuck 1y ago
You need to understand two things:
1) No amount of jealousy will ever convince a woman not to cheat on you. All you can do is establish boundaries that will end the relationship if she crosses them.
2) She should be the one worried you will replace her. You need to adopt the attitude of a man who could, at any time, contact another girl and fuck her. This means you need to keep gaming and maintain a list of at least one DTF girl, or at the very least two good prospects.
oowiw 1y ago
Do you think you're deriving a bit too much of an ego boost from the way she treats you?
If you're really reveling in her "worship" you need to remember that it's temporary, that she has worshipped others, and can again.
Ego is a great drug, being loved is a great drug, but like all drugs, if you let yourself become dependent on it you're in for a bad time.
From the sounds of it, you need to find other, independent sources of that same ego boost, and remember that it's just a drug - you're not more valuable because she's into you right now, and you won't be less valuable when, eventually, she isn't.
Also, you can never regain what you had before you lost frame there. Even if she consciously forgets, on some level, people never forget. That doesn't mean anything disastrous, it's just unrealistic to try and get toothpaste back into the tube.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Jealousy is rooted in fear of loss. Fear of loss is rooted in attachment. You've become attached to her. Detach. The only thing that comes from attachment is oneitis, and we all know how that ends: with you entering her frame, she loses all attraction, and then she dumps you.
McNuggets7272 1y ago
How does one detach but still continue the relationship?
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Don't be afraid of losing her.
BecomingABetterMan1 1y ago
Frame isn't lost or gained.
You either act in your own frame, or you don't.
*if it exists outside of your mission in life, it is outside of your frame. When you act on things outside your life mission, you are acting outside of your frame.
Regarding your situation, spam more alpha.
oowiw 1y ago
I won't say it was Frame, but something was lost here.
Initially, your weaknesses are unknown. If someone is infatuated with you, they will usually fill in positively with their imagination. They will imagine strengths where they have no data.
Then, you give them some data, show some weakness, and the possibility of strength collapses into the reality of weakness, never to be regained in that particular area. This process is irreversible, and women are wired to accelerate it with shit tests and "be vulnerable."