I am in a long-term, open relationship and have good dynamics.
There is one area I am unsure about. I am an action-taker and competent in most things. She is younger and very feminine, but also generally confident and competent with less experience.
I find myself knowing more about most things. One small example; she needed a new mobile phone contract and struggled to work out the details, get the best price etc.
Naturally, I want to help her and take control. She turns to me in these situations and looks up to me. But, in true feminine style, she talks before she thinks and the more I help her, the more she leans on me.
I have my own shit to do and want to leave her to figure it out herself. But I am also conscious of putting her into more of a masculine energy by letting her deal with these things.
I am happy fulfilling the masculine role, but I don't want to become her personal assistant
Is there a balance here?
oowiw 2y ago
Imagine that your effort is 2x as valuable as her effort.
If you and she would take the same effort to do something, let her do it.
If you can do something in < 1/2 the effort she can, maybe do it.
The key is that you must value your time more than hers - that doesn't mean you never spend your time, it means you spend it at when the ratio makes sense and that reinforces the differential.
colaclouds 2y ago
This feels like a good rule of thumb.
It's also about quality. In general, a woman is more likely to give up or compromise... and my instinct is to take over to do it properly.
But I guess it's the same as delegating in business. You have to let it go and accept that others might not do as good a job as you, and that's ok.
coolsocks00 1 2y ago
IMO it's very hard to put myself in your shoes because a mutually open relationship holds zero value to me, so i wouldnt invest in it at all.
I have two very committed FWBs and while i sometimes help them out with adulting i often tell them and expect them to handle their own shit, and not act like little children.
Masculine energy from buying her own phone? Jesus christ.
She is your little assistant. You need a solid frame. You delegate, dont do the task for her.
rr: https://www.trp.red/p/humansockpuppet/754
colaclouds 2y ago
Buying a phone is an example. Think more broadly - booking a holiday, getting a car serviced, calling in an electrician etc. Most normal people would see these as "more of a man's job" and I am challenging that idea.
I don't think of women as my "little assistants" or my slaves. This is about finding and maintaining a natural order that allows both the male and female to thrive.
coolsocks00 1 2y ago
You’re challenging that idea but you’re still worried about masculine energy?
Women are not utterly incompetent of all but the simplest of tasks. You dont need to do such things for her, and nobody is telling you to. What you can do is give advice on how to do it, without doing it for her.
Exactly? Not sure what your point is, other than making your situation sound even more cucked. There’s nothing natural about sharing your woman, but you do you.
colaclouds 2y ago
I didn’t ask for your opinion on my relationship and I have less than zero interest in it.
Some friendly advice for you - when you’re trying to persuade random internet strangers that your idea of a relationship is better than theirs, you’re actually trying to persuade yourself.
Reflect on your own situation a little deeper.
coolsocks00 1 2y ago
Lol, who’s projecting now?
It’s advice. Take it or leave it, im not persuading you of anything. More power to you.
[deleted] 2y ago
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colaclouds 2y ago
This is a good rule. We have to be aware of when to help and when to let her do it.
Not failing that test is important. It leads to her using and manipulating you to do the things she is more than capable of doing. Eventually that leads to losing respect as you say.
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
Right. At some point you need to stop and say "you have the brains to work that out for yourself".
So you help with the things she can't do, but you stop it when she starts to get intellectually lazy.
colaclouds 2y ago
That's a good way to stay as the masculine leader. Make it clear that you are deciding whether to help or not. I like that approach.
Problematic_Browser 1 2y ago
You're overthinking it.
If you have more knowledge, use it. There's nothing blue piled about giving value to people who add value to your life.
Edit: Case in point, my girlfriend is exceptionally competent and independent, but if I'm better at something, I handle it. I don't spend my time thinking "does this make me look beta?" It's a waste of time, energy, and it's really spergy.
colaclouds 2y ago
The danger here is that I usually always have more knowledge. That has come from experience because I am 13 years older.
I am trying to find a way to increase her knowledge without forcing her into a more masculine role.
TwoInchesOfShaft 2y ago
In my opinion you should have a separation of tasks in mind for these situations in your relationship. You decide which things you are good at and not only deserve but need your handling to make things more efficient, on the other hand you need to decide which tasks she can and should do and delegate them to her. If you are better at something that is a rather high stakes task (like contracts) then you do it, and then you find a task that is less important/risky but more time consuming and you give it to her.
In a captain-first officer dynamic the man handles more of the high stakes tasks and the woman more of the low stakes tasks. Usually high stakes tasks need more careful decision making and low stakes tasks need more time.
colaclouds 2y ago
I like this a lot. Taking on the more critical tasks and leaving her with the others that are less stressful but more time consuming.
Something else i noticed about this is that she will interrupt me as soon as she has an issue, if i let her. So being firm on time/interruption boundaries is really important.