I find this bit well explaininG BPD, by William Gorder:

They are well aware of laws, social norms, and what is expected of them. While sometimes almost reflexive it is a conscious and deliberate choice on their part to do that and it is a choice they make. It is manipulation and when done consistently and regularly when it is a course of conduct that is systematic. It feels like a form of slow brainwashing. This combined with all the other manipulation tactics they employ trying to control someone to get their nurturance is emotional abuse that stacks over time and leads to PTSD. trauma bonds etc.

They are in fact immune to this. So for example, if they are in a relationship with a pwNPD this type of thing does not cause injury to them as it does to an NT. They suffer from their fears of abandonment but not from being the target of pathological manipulation, they in fact do the same thing. It goes both ways in that kind of relationship. This is one way the disorders are the same.

So yes they know they shouldn’t do it and that it causes you harm. However, while they have what they refer to as empathy, shame, guilt and love it is all conditional on getting their needs met and then it is gone.

It is not a true connection to you and your feelings. They feel bad for themselves when their needs don’t get met (you are not there for them in the way they want you to be). When they are looking for you to be there for them and you are there it may feel like it is the same love and affection you are getting from them as what we have, but it is a far cry from it. There is no empathy, remorse, or guilt. The feelings that connect two people in that way are absent. It all comes down to deficient empathy. Without it there can be no guilt or remorse either.

Any guilt and shame they feel are not about you. If it were it would lead to a change in behavior. So it is not that they don’t see anything wrong with it (although that is often the case too, especially with NPD co-occurrence) but rather that the feelings of conscience that would hold an NT back are not there with a pwBPD so they only cognitively recognize they are doing something they shouldn’t be doing but hurting you does not cause them distress and their need for manipulating you to provides the nurturance and security the need trump your mental health and safety.

On NPD this article is pretty detailed [https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/are-you-with-a-narcissist], excerpts:

NPD Behaviour is:

• Pathological lying.
• Taking umbrage at slights that healthy mature adults just don’t get upset about.
• Being ‘loving’ and ‘adoring’ one moment and detesting, attacking, or threatening you with breakups the next. These ‘you are the love of my life / I’d be better off without you’ cycles are often sudden, unexpected and without warning.
• Uses the identified emotional wound of the victim against him, or her. For example if the victim has a fear of abandonment the narcissist will continually threaten and / or perform abandonment. If granting other women or men attention creates emotional pain, the narcissist will ‘flaunt’ that behaviour regularly. If being distrusted and accused of adultery creates a painful reaction, the narcissist will deliver accusations regularly. - - This is followed by the narcissist denying all responsibility and blaming the other person as ‘the cause of him or her leaving’, or labelling his or her victim as ‘jealous, insecure and paranoid’, or ‘flirting purposefully and deserving distrust’.
• Nil ability to be vulnerable, real, honest or discuss problems rationally when feeling emotionally upset.
• Intense harbouring about what you did or didn’t do in the past which ‘insulted’ the narcissist. The harbouring continues to re-emerge no matter how many times you apologise or believe the issue was previously resolved. Propensity to lash out and punish horrifically with minimal provocation – delivering behaviour that is a complete mismatch for the perceived injury the narcissist believed he or she received.
• Smear campaigns created against the person who the narcissist has damaged, containing fabricated and misleading evidence.
• Using abuse by proxy getting other people and organisations to attack the victim on the narcissist’s behalf, fuelled by smear campaigns.
• Nil ability to be accountable for horrendous malicious, pathological or outrageous behaviour.
• Nil ability to be appropriately remorseful and fix the damage of the horrendous behaviour inflicted on the victim.
• Nil ability to have empathy for the victim or for people connected to the victim – such as the victim’s children or family.
• Accuses others, especially intimate partner for all the things that the narcissist thinks, says and does.
• High level of entitlement to money, resources, recognition, sex and / or attention.
• Excessive and outrageous spending habits coupled with loose and poor money management. Takes financial risks and gambles which create stress for the narcissist and his or her partner / family.
• Prone to superficiality and materialism. A need to ‘show off’ and enough is never enough.
• Pathological and / or compulsive adultery without using sexual protection which puts possible multiple partners at risk
• The ability to pathologically lie and feign ‘love and commitment’ to ‘outside’ sexual partners to garnish narcissistic supply and / or punish current partner.
• The ability to keep previous partners hooked and sexually active during devalue and discard cycles whilst sourcing and romancing new sources of narcissistic supply. (Narcissists will generally avoid being single at any cost).
• Previous partners are kept on the narcissist’s hook with open ended comments such as ‘Never say never’ so when discarded, the narcissist has the option to revisit if sources of narcissistic supply get low – or if he or she wants to act out revenge on the current partner.
• Performs smear campaign about and amongst multiple sexual partners, regarding why the narcissist despises, discredits or wants nothing to do with the ‘other’ sexual partners, so that they will not suspect or find out the truth.
• ‘Apologies’ ‘empathy’ ‘accountability’ or ‘make up’ behaviour (if any) is long overdue, and only generally after escalation of more horrendous pathological and / or adulterous behaviour, threats and smear campaigns (discovered and undiscovered). This ‘remorse’ is not consistent and contains fabricated ‘make-up’ promises which are generally undelivered. Restoration is temporary, and leads to repeat cycles of nil accountability, nil remorse, nil empathy and repeat horrendous behaviour.
• Intense anger, rage and projection (and often total discard) if confronted with the truth – that the narcissist’s issues come from unhealed childhood wounds which the narcissist is unwilling to face and deal with.

The list of the arsenal the narcissist holds and uses when arguing with you is this:

• Avoidance: Refusing to recognise or acknowledge the incident as real or important to you.
• Excuses: Making up stories or reasons for the behaviour that are not genuine or valid excuses.
• Accusations: Blaming someone else for the wrongdoing.
• False Apology: Saying a ‘sorry’ that is not a genuine apology, and expecting you to accept it.
• Ignorance: Claiming you never said that, that was never discussed, or the narcissist never said that.
• Confusion: Creating antics over trivial points in the conversation to shift and confuse the focus.
• Using Allies: Quoting people real or imagined to back their ‘story’ of excuses, or to discredit you.
• Shutting down: Unwilling to have the conversation or abandoning the scene to avoid scrutiny.
• Shifting Focus: Responding with displeasure to your body language or the tone of your voice to steer the conversation away from the wrongdoing.
• Persecution: Stating how bad your accusations are, and what a terrible person you are to accuse them.
• Denial: Stating that it was incidents in your past, and your fears and insecurities which causes you to make these accusations.- Discrediting: Stating that you are such a negative person and always look for the ‘conspiracy theory’ in your conversations.
• Threatening: Citing abandonment or punishment if you continue with the accusation.
• Entitlement: Demanding that you recognise the positive things they have done for you, and that it’s unfair for you to focus on the negatives.
• Lying: Stating they did grant explanation, reassurance, or did do the credible thing when these actions were not forthcoming.
• Condemnation: Continuing the story of “I did do the right thing” and then being incensed at you for calling them a liar.
• Justification: Stating ‘I did it’ because of your behaviour and because you make me do these things.
• Triggering: Using a maiming comment related or unrelated to incite you to anger and shift blame.
• Competition: Stating all the things that they are not happy about with you, as a ‘tit for tat’ retaliation, rather than addressing the issue at hand.

Sweet post.

2 questions:

1. Doesn’t this describe most women? Disregard for others feelings and lack of remorse for behavior? Ie, they don’t give a shit about your feelings and lack accountability, no remorse (hamster gets turned into overdrive) for their behavior.

2. Would a woman need to have multiple of these traits to be considered HPD, NPD, etc?

Can someone get mix narcisst and histrionic? Cuz all narcisst and histrionic traits that you mentioned was in my ex 2yrs ago.

And till now can’t even 100% moveon for her behavior.

In other words, avoid all women.