The deal with the Army is, it's not easy, sometimes it's actually hard, and a lot of times it's boring. But the advantage is, a steady income and (most importantly) when you retire you collect benefits for life! That sounds like a good deal to me. Don't try to talk me out of it.

Of course, the Army desires young men - like, 18 year old men (gross! the army is super creepy!) and the Army expects these men to serve for 20 years before retiring. So, they want you to work while you're young enough to actually do the work - basically, 18 to 38, then they'll support you from 38 on.

But here's the thing: I'm already 38. I spent 18-38 playing Army. I played video games, I did airsoft and paintball - that kind of thing. At this stage of my life, I'm obviously no longer interested in a lot of the "army stuff" like PT or marching or deploying to anywhere (I do love to travel though).

No, I never got a steady income from playing Army. Why do you ask?

Anyway, I'm going to head down to the recruiter's office and sign up, and I'll explain that I expect to go right to the "retirement" phase.

UPDATE: you would not believe how rude the recruiter was! He objectified me by asking my height and weight! He laughed when I said I wouldn't be doing any of the "army stuff" - even though I explained to him that I had played army for years, and that the past was the past and I was a different person now. I told him that he should feel lucky that I chose to enlist with his army in the end.

There are plenty of other armies. I used to get tons of recruitment offers when I was 18. I know my worth.

UPDATE 2: well it seems the Marines hate civilians too! The recruiter told me I was too old! I snapped back, "if you can't accept me at 38, then you don't deserve me at 18!" He said I could possibly get a job driving a truck. I explained to him that I have my own car and it's my world. We come as a package deal.

UPDATE 3: I emailed the Navy a list of my requirements for military service. For starters, I expect to be commander of Seal Team 6. I know my worth and wont settle. No response. They just ghosted me. Where are all the good armies??

UPDATE 4: I've set up a new subreddit for generals such as myself. /r/civilianRecruitmentStrategy - we aren't going to let recruiters mistreat us by asking us to drive trucks or denying us battalion command. We know our worth. We're not going to waste time with LVMs (low-value militaries) like the US military.

This is mostly a self-improvement subreddit. We will talk a lot about "promotion" (leveling up) because HVMs want high-value recruits. So we're going to make ourselves generals and admirals because we know our worth.