Hi TRP
I have been a lurker here for a while, reading stories and wrapping my head around the reality of what I was in...my red pill occured in full force when I had to sell one of my few possesions to pay for a trip for my wife and kids to another city.
For the past 13 years and since I was a wee lad I have been a white knight / blue pill. I was raised at the step of the pedestal and was conditioned and programmed that way.
My wife was and is a VERY strong women and snagged me at one of the lowest parts of my life, and for the past 15 years she has bullied, coerced and belittled me into a man that I now look at and despise.
I know that this is my fault. I did not stand up to her...and I should have.
This past week I did what everyone has considered to be a shitty thing by leaving her in a text message ( dear john as it were) while she was out of town..
I understand how it can be viewed that way, but I felt I had to do it as I do not have the strength to face her and do it without falling into the same role as always and continuing down the road of hating myself.
I guess I have no questions as of yet, but I need to know that it can get easier.
Right now I am sitting in my car, scared, alone with nothing and no where to turn....no friends and with seemingly no hope of doing this without destroying myself and my relationship with my kids.
In less than an hour she will be home with my kids and I have to tell them why daddy is not living in the house anymore.
She terrifies me in the control she has over me.
I think what I need is someone, anyone to tell me it will be alright...hence TRP
sorry for wall of text
Tld: walked out after 15 year relationship, two kids, nothing for me to go to or turn to.
Wife is and has been in control and dominant for all that time has told me she will not change. Sick and disgusted of who I have become.
[deleted] 10y ago
Life is a roller coaster ... you just hit the down slope. And it'll keep feeling bad, too. But it gets better.
And just remember ... if women get the opportunity to leave their husband because of general unhappiness and "find themselves" you have that right too.
Stevieb1972 10y ago
Remember this: you are more mentally heathy right now than you have ever been in your entire adult life.
crush2090 10y ago
I had the epiphany last night, wanted to drink cause I thought I would need to, went out, shot some pool, chatted with some friends, and realized I did not want to drink caise I did not need to.
You are right, for the past 6 months I had been having nightmares, but they stopped when I walked out.
I am better already feeling better...still gonna take a while, but as my friends have been saying, your actually smiling.
Butt-cheese 10y ago
Life rarely "gets easier." It usually gets more complicated and harder as it goes on, but you can get stronger to cope with the difficulties. Good luck, your children will understand one day, I sincerely hope.
[deleted] 10y ago
Hey man, the kids will propably cry and maybe even hate you, for the beginning. It was the same for me and my father, it didn't help that my mother was making a Drama every time he did something slightly wrong.
If you have a son , he will understand.
If you have a daughter your relationship to her might be forever damaged
crush2090 10y ago
Having twin daughters, yes they may hate me, I am hoping time and connection will fix that.
crush2090 10y ago
Hey ya all. Thank you for the posts and giving me a chance to vent/reach out.
I got drunk last night, first time in over 18 years I have dropped a 26er...it felt good.
Today I woke up feeling the most relaxed I have felt in so long, I had forgotten the feeling.
I figure I should move this convo over to trp as a field report...
Anyways, I have had another enlightenment today from a friend. And know now that I am making the right choices.
I had my first shit test today....did not recognize it till later. Failed.
However I did recognize it for what it was, not as a "nice suggestion"
I just wanted to say thanks for letting me vent. I know I can do this. Just takes a lot to take those first few steps.
Hypnot0ad 10y ago
I predict she will cry, beg, promise things will change. And they might for a few weeks. But deep down you probably know it will eventually return to how things have been. In any case it's probably too late and your mind is made up. Just be strong and try not to fall for her promises to be better.
[deleted] 10y ago
Most importantly, do not engage her in argument about your reasons or motivations. "I've made my decision and I don't feel a need to discuss it." If you let yourself get dragged into her analysis of how your choices are wrong there is no possible upside.
crush2090 10y ago
Thank you for this, she tried tonight. I adamantly stated that I did not want to discuss it, just that it was that way. It worked and I won that
RedBigMan 10y ago
Now that you're standing up to her it'll probably make her vag tingle. Dont indulge her in any way, shape or form. She's your past. You got a bright new future on the horizon.
Make sure you get a lawyer and a good one. Dont let her dictate any terms to you the courts will do that on their own :P
[deleted] 10y ago
Congrats bro, welcome to the rest of your life
[deleted] 10y ago
Your life is the nightmare I am trying to avoid.
etherael 10y ago
Firstly, if she made you feel this way, she failed up front as a wife and there's no excusing that. You can do what you want if it's to address that issue alone, but I wonder if you've actually considered that she makes you second guess yourself because sometimes she's right?
Just some stranger telling you that everything is going to be alright doesn't make it so, you have to believe it. Why will everything be alright? If you don't believe that now even though you've dealt with what we would otherwise assume to be the source of your problems, what are you telling yourself on the inside?
The real truth of existence in this world is that nobody can tell you what your problems are except you. Not her, not us, just you. You know on the inside if you've got problems, you might not know how to get out of them but you know they're there. If you're still terrified of her even after you've taken action to remove her from your life that is information you should consider long and hard no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
If you've been lurking here a long time the one core thing you should know is that women love to rationalise their behaviour, but what we often fail to remember is that men absolutely do this too. It isn't an exclusively female thing, it's a human thing. Maybe that dread on the inside is something telling you you're not being completely straight with yourself.
What have you done with your life, what are you going to do with the rest of it, and how satisfied are you with the answers to those questions? To the extent the answer is bad for you, you're not going to be at peace with yourself. It's going to be uncomfortable and hard, but you have to find the strength to put yourself in a situation where the answers to those questions leave you at peace. That's the only way out.
I wish nothing for you but the best, good luck.
[deleted] 10y ago
Grab your sack and man the fuck up. You need no other advise. You know what you need to do. Go do it.
b_dubya 10y ago
As a fellow Canadian and person who was totally blue pill at the end of a 13 year marriage with a kid, do this;
Get support from male friends that sympathize with you and help you. Develop your buddy network. Life will look pretty shitty at times, develop your support network.
Lawyer up fast - this will determine how much you will pay for spousal support, child support and how much to pay to keep your share of interest in the house.
Lawyer up fast - set down visiting/parenting rights with the kids. This is important - you cannot let her dictate any terms to you.
Do not believe any shit she says regarding lawyers - Yes it will cost money, but your interests are far more protected with your own lawyer.
Separate your finances fast. Any insurance, bills you are paying, separate them from hers. Any money you give her, she needs to sign a receipt. Confirm with lawyer.
Take your kids aside and explain to them in age appropriate language why you can't live with mommy anymore.
Any bills with both your names - separate as to who's is whose. Same thing with credit cards - No joint anything! Check with Lawyer. No more debt with her. She can rack up a bill on credit card and you could get stuck with it.
Federal divorce act states that at a minimum, you'll pay spousal support for a 1/2 year for every year you were together. Unless she makes more than you.
Buddy support. You need it.
eviljohnn 10y ago
the first step to improvement is knowing your mistakes and you have already passed that stage.
Take this free time you have to rebuild yourself and rebuild the relationships with your children.
A_Mighty_Wyn 10y ago
Doing this exact thing at this very moment. 11 years of marriage ended last May. To OP, the next year will be both, the most terrifying and the most validating, confidence building year of your life.
uton_gili 10y ago
Do not leave. Kick her out. You should write down as soon as possible as many shitty things she's done to you as you can remember and sue her for some form of abuse.
crush2090 10y ago
The house was built for her and her parents. I just paid the bills. Her parents live in the basement....I can't kick her out....I do not want to fight for the house as it is just a house and not worth it to me.
Exactly_what_I_think 10y ago
Kick her out. You can later use the house as a bargaining chip.
crush2090 10y ago
Besides being on the recieving end of an ugly lawsuit and future full of anger and resentment, not only from her, but her parents as well, directed my way...I really don't want the house. So no i dont think i will be doing that. Haha.
That and the fact is that I don't want my children to see a dad that would do that to mommy.
Thanks tho, I can understand where your coming from.
TRPstudent 10y ago
Your children deserve to be in a good home within a safe neighborhood when they spend time with you in the future. Do not fall on your sword. YOU NEED half the equity of that house if you're not going to fight for it. I've gone through this, same situation. I never said a bad word about their mother, all the while she filled their young minds with trash* about me. It's sad and confusing for them, don't participate. Console them, love them and protect their minds. They will eventually come to see you as the stable one and her as crazy. My children over the years have moved in with me and have a pity-love for her at best. My favorite line from my youngest: "You know that time of the month women get? I think mommy has that everyday."
This is a tough time but you will make it through and be much happier on the other side. When internal dialogue comes to mind with her, dismiss those thoughts with a "There is no more relationship." Buy a journal and record your journey. Talk to everyone, make new friends. Confide in one male friend. Get a gym membership and lift.
An example of what she told them:
Exactly_what_I_think 10y ago
She and her lawyer are not going to give you the same respect.
crush2090 10y ago
I hear that...lol
RedBigMan 10y ago
Just dont give up the rights to your share of the house even if you move out and dont live there.
If you bought the house as a marital unit then the house is ultimately owned 50/50 and you are owed at least 50% of the equity in the house. Dont give up your right to that because you're still going to likely pay Alimony and Child Support. So the equity in your house can help to offset those costs the courts will impose on you.
anothermonth 10y ago
Lawyer up. You cannot be charitable. You'll get fucked by the System either way, so there's absolutely no reason to start at disadvantageous point. Fight for every penny: in the end, if, after all the alimony and child support, you decide you got the better half (unlikely), you can always become charitable then. And only then it'll be met with gratitude.
Lawyer the fuck up.
footballtrav89 10y ago
If the parents are not a problem you can let them stay for now. Tell the wife she has to leave. Or at least make a list of things that have to change or it is over. Stick to your guns.
jazida 10y ago
LuciusExitius 10y ago
When she gets home you look her in the eye and you tell her how she has made you feel and why you are leaving, dont be mean, dont say anything stupid, but say it as a man and with confidence. Remember, she hold no power over you. You are your own person. Good luck.
Hypnot0ad 10y ago
The problem I found is that when I personally did this, then all of a sudden it hit home for her. She cried, apologized, said everything would change. I wanted so bad to believe it, but I knew that it was lip service and things would eventually go back to how they were. It's akin to women in abusive relationships always taking their husbands back.
LuciusExitius 10y ago
There should be no going back, the last things you are showing her is that you have the power in the relationship by standing up for yourself and leaving. Trust me, the kids will be fine and if there was fighting there better off with the separation.
Hypnot0ad 10y ago
I did this. I just know from experience that it's very hard to not give in.
LuciusExitius 10y ago
I agree.
ss_camaro 10y ago
Freedom isn't free.
Here's a letter a son wrote his dad.
Check out the rest of the forum for quality support.
vacuu 10y ago
What you are doing is an act of faith, which is the first step to changing and becoming better. What is more admirable than self improvement, getting out of an unhealthy situation, and making things better? It's a false notion that you can sacrifice your own health and well being to such an extent to make things better for those you care about, because they will only learn how to be miserable themselves while working under the facade that they too are doing it for someone else. You can't push someone else up to a better place, all you can do is get to a better place yourself and extend your hand out and they have to reach up to you and follow your example.
James_Coook 10y ago
"I did not stand up to her"...dude! What. The. Fuck. You shouldn't have to "stand up" to your wife. Marriage is about partnership and cooperation. Its not supposed to be a battle. You did the right thing. If I were you I would talk to a lawyer ASAP so she doesn't fuck you over on visitation rights.
crush2090 10y ago
Standing up to her is the only way I can describe it. When she questions everything I say, do or think and I have to constantly second guess myself because of the constant belittleing. That all I could think of....hell I am over 40 years old and I feel like I am back at school being bullied.
James_Coook 10y ago
Dude NEXT this cunt and don't look back! Your only concern should be the kids. Good luck brother!