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No-Stress-Cat Jr. Hamster Analyst 9h ago
Bridesmaid: "I've dedicated my entire life to walking in a man's shoes. Why don't men want to marry me?"
Therapist: "Just make up some excuses to make yourself feel better. It worked for me. I believe in you!"
Land_of_the_losers the-niceguy.com 9h ago
What's terrible about this is... normally, I would chalk a lot of it up to "young women receive bad advice", and yet... this woman's circle of friends clearly haven't made whatever mistakes she's been making.
What's their secret? How have they managed to pull-off these multiple miracles? Are they incredibly lucky?? Are they doormats? Stepford Wives? Submissive little creatures? Probably not.
If you're an average-looking woman with a great personality, you tend to do pretty well. If you're an average-looking woman who loves to play passivity-based games and your twenties feel like one big winning streak, eventually your luck is going to run out. "Quitting while you're ahead" is sound advice for gambling.
The hard truth that this woman needs to hear-- and she will never, ever accept it-- is: it's time to develop a personality. Passivity worked great in your twenties. You just stand there, smile, and cocktails get handed to you and you get invited to parties, and you just need to simper and giggle and wear your friggin' diamond tiara. When you say something dumb, guys think it's cute. Now, it's just tiresome.
Overkill_Engine WAATGM Endorsed 4h ago
And one that doesn't revolve around being an entitled bitter cunt. Otherwise men will clue in fast and just bypass her for the next crop of passive dullard pussy that at least doesn't actively try to make the experience miserable.
First-light Jr. Hamster Analyst 3h ago
Refreshing to read an article where the female complainant is not blaming her exes for wasting her time or men she dated for not being adequate.
The agony aunt actually gives semi useful advice in saying "stop spinning your hamster wheel when what you are trying to rationalise upsets you"
It is, however, a pity she that she didn't simply advise her to consider how much she really wants what she thinks she wants. Does she want it enough to become the kind of woman a man would marry? does she want it enough to seek out the kind of man who would marry her, does she want it enough to be a good wife. If so go and get it.
This is a bit like a boy writing in to say how can he stop feeling upset that he never gets picked to play for the school team in his chosen sport. "Well son take a good look at yourself. Are you cut out to play this game or would another game be better? Are you actually a nerd who should stay in the library, a geek who should be playing war games or should you be training harder and training specifically? If you really want this you are going to need to up your game. That is the only way to get picked. Otherwise do something else and get over it. Chad will always be cooler and you will always have to applaud him. Its life"
Land_of_the_losers the-niceguy.com 2h ago
In the last paragraph, you're contrasting an internal locus of control with an external one.
People with an internal locus of control see themselves shaping their own outcomes. For someone with an external locus of control, life just happens to them. The woman in the article seems to acknowledge her own choices, but doesn't connect them to the outcomes. Things have turned-out wrongly despite her good choices, she says. Not that things don't actually work in the way that she assumed they would all along.
At some point, a lot of young women got it in their heads that when a woman announces "I'm tired of being single and I'm ready to settle down!", a line of excellent suitors ought to appear at her door, right on schedule. POOF! And these will be high quality suitors, fabulous partners, allowing her to choose her dream lifestyle: Homemaker with kids? Maybe! Turn your hobby into an income stream? Maybe! Work part time and do volunteer work? Maybe! SuperMom CEO? Maybe! Whatever you want, you deserve it Girl, just say you want it. C'mon, men! Step up and do your duty.
...That's the expectation. They really really expect that there'll be some full-time worker drone, with no goals of his own, who'll just appear on cue, fully-formed from the head of Zeus, to subsidize their fantasy lifestyle, whatever it may be. He'll be a supporting character. Gladly. And he, because he is such an excellent suitor, he will naturally agree to everything. Whatever it may be. Sure thing. Whatever you want miss. My stuff is your stuff.
And he doesn't need to be 6 feet tall and hot-- though that wouldn't hurt-- just be a goddamned worker drone with no messy details that interfere with her schedule. She's not interested in filthy, sweaty sex anymore (ew), she's an airy being of light who has evolved beyond mere filthy caresses of the flesh.
If such a fellow were to be so gauche as to ask "What's in it for me?" he has no business voicing such impertinence and is immediately ruled ineligible. Always due to her luck and circumstances, never because her expectations and personal schedule are something that she's holding other people to.
Okay, do humans actually work that way? According to your schedule? Well, miss Thirtysomething, the clock is ticking and let's find out.
Lone_Ranger Live by the pork sword, die by the pork sword 1h ago
what a fantastically written piece! I vote you for 'writer of the month'.
Your writing has pace, fluidity and wit. I like it!!!
Lone_Ranger Live by the pork sword, die by the pork sword 1h ago
"I’m a single woman in my late 30s....." Dis gonna be good!!
The article is not a surprise. It's pretty standard. We've all met these women.
What is a surprise is that response of the agony aunt. Really, what she should have written is "You can ignore reality, but you cannot ignore the consequences of reality". And then explained to her, gently, that she has wasted far too much time, and that to be completely honest, the window has closed.
This is what really defines woman to woman conversations. The terrible, terrible quality of advice that they give each other. The dreadful feeback. It is always the same ...you go girl!
If a magazine like Slate wanted to provide any value at all, they would have a panel of guys to answer all the agony aunt questions. They should have an 'agony uncle'. That is the only way to get out of the female to female doom loop of shitty advice.
I see this as one of the key differences between men and women. Men actually give each other quite good advice. Consider this theoretical example....
Imagine a user on this forum posted a question like this; "I am in my late 30's and I want to train to become a champion swimmer and win competitions". The advice would be pretty to the point: you are too old. If you had wanted to win even small local competitions, you should have started swimming at about age 8. And you would have had to do early morning pool 4 times a week. You would have to have at least 20 competitions under your belt by age 16. You'll need to be at least 6 foot tall. You'll need to be serious about diet and excercise. It is now too late.
The advice would be pretty frank, to say the least.
And what women really do not give each other is frank, to the point, realistic advice.
My honest answer to to the this woman is that she has left it too late. And she seems painfully unaware of what men want from a woman. She wants a man to consider her as an option for marriage and children, and she is just not a suitable choice. To be considered for that role, she needs to have excellent fertility.....and the truth is that her fertility is at about 8% of a woman of 21.
This is the cold, hard truth. And she will never get it from talking to another woman.