“I just keep finding guys who either cheat on me, have me as the other woman, or are already married but never told me.” This is a statement made by some women who are baffled that they cannot find the type of man they are seeking (or claim to seek). Does this show poor judgement of character on the women’s part? Perhaps. Are the women at fault for the actions of these men? No. We can certainly also point to the factor these men being in the upper 20% of attractive males, which means that these are the type of man who at least have the capability of attracting more than one woman consistently enough to even make such actions possible, as a man who would struggle to even get a relationship would not even be at square one to be unfaithful to a woman. There is not the guarantee that a man who has the means to attract multiple women will take advantage of this capability in order to have an affair. So how do women who make the above complaint keep having this repeated experience? I think it comes down to the values of honesty and accepting reality.

Practically all women say they want a man who is honest (I would be surprised to find any that say otherwise). But how many of them truly want that? Arguably all of them still do, but how many of them are willing to actually put in more than surface level effort to find out if a man is truly honest? That is where the numbers start to deviate. From my perspective, in order to truly and fully value honesty, you have to be willing to hear and accept the truth. Many women do not have this much value for honesty, but rather prefer to believe what they want to be true rather than take the truth as it is.

This is where reality comes in. The acceptance of reality ultimately defines if someone values truth or not, as reality can be difficult to accept when it is inconvenient to your desires. Acceptance of reality requires pragmatism. So when we apply this to the dating world, women need to have a realistic view on what type of man they should be able to find in order for them to be willing to seek the type of man who is genuine and honest. Otherwise, they will consequentially filter this very type of man out in favor of one that is dishonest. That is because an honest man is not willing to put up a false front that would provide incorrect signals of who he is. A dishonest man, however, is quite willing to do this, and will sell himself to be someone that he is not in order to make a woman more interested in him. A man can lie about his occupation, his income, his hobbies, his capabilities, his past, his areas of knowledge, and if a woman is only believing him because she wants these qualities to exist in a man she finds attractive, she is the prime target for a dishonest man who is only looking to get sex out of the interaction.

When it comes to sexual strategies, lying is a short term strategy. For the man who only wants to get sex and is willing to be dishonest in order to do so, he is not going to be concerned with whether or not he will ever be called out on his lies, as by the time that would happen, he either has had the sex he wanted or sees the amount of effort required as more than he is willing to do. Honesty, however, works far better for those who wish to engage in long term strategies. This is not to say that honesty is exclusively in the domain of those who are looking for long term relationships, but rather that it is needed for any man who wishes to have a successful long term strategy. A man who is looking only for one night stands can indeed be honest about his intentions, but the man who wants success in long term relationships will need honesty where the man who is looking for quick sex can be either the honest or dishonest variety.

It should be no surprise then that women who are also employing short term strategies in dating by having sex very early on are far more susceptible to being deceived by men who are employing dishonest tactics to get sex as soon as possible. Often, such a man can claim that he is very much interested in a long term relationship will bounce the moment he has sex with the woman he had no intentions of dating long term. Women who do practice restraint with sex (especially true for those who wait until marriage), are not only not going to fall prey to a man who only wants sex and no relationship, but she would show that honesty matters far more to her than a woman who has sex early with a man. That is because she would be necessarily taking more time to determine whether or not a man is being truthful to her in all regards before she would sleep with him, while a woman who would sleep with a man early on would not have enough time to verify whether or not the man was being truthful. This does not mean that a woman who practices abstinence by principle are doing so necessarily to verify the truth or are specifically valuing it in that practice, but rather that a woman who practices restraint in sex is going to have a built in filter that allows her more time to vet a man for honesty. The fact that the long term strategies of honesty and restraint from sex often go hand in hand should not be a surprise, as the mindset that leads one to having long term strategies in dating will mean that multiple aspects of long term thinking will also be present.

While I did mention all the ways that men can deceive women with selling themselves with qualities they do not have, any lie of this nature would only work because the woman is not immediately able to see that what he is saying is not true. That, and the fact she is not taking the time necessary to determine whether or not a man is being truthful before escalating to sex, whether due to inability, unwillingness, or both of these factors. These traits would only be discovered to be works of fiction with further inspection, which often requires not only comparing what is said to what is observed, but also what is realistic and unrealistic.

For example, a man can fake being rich by living beyond his means temporarily or merely renting/borrowing status symbols such as sports cars. A woman who does not understand what it means to be truly wealthy may be lead to believe that a man is wealthy just because he flashes status symbols, but if that wealth is only an illusion she will need to understand finances on more than just the surface level to know whether or not a man has real wealth or is just fabricating it. One a side note, this is another example of short term strategic actions, where woman who is a gold digger will look for man who is wealthy for relationships, as she would prefer to “wait at the finish line” to meet with an already wealthy man rather than date a man who has the potential to be wealthy but has yet to build himself up. While many gold diggers ask about how much a man makes a year, it is just one more lie to add to the pile.

The long term and more realistic strategic actions a woman could take is to realize that income and wealth are not only more than just appearances, but also should be assessed with the idea that a man does not need to be excessively wealthy for him to be a suitable long term partner. And if she is willing to think in the long term as well, she will understand that real wealth is more often built steadily over time and is better maintained by not spending it rapidly in order to put up appearances. Even better, if a woman is willing to be in a relationship with a man who has potential to do well but is not at his peak shows that she is very unlike women who merely wait at the finish line. Even if the woman is doing so to fulfill her hypergamy more strategically, a man will be far more appreciative of the woman who was with him before his peak rather than one who only shows interest at his peak. When factoring in looks with a woman’s value of truth and reality, this is where the dynamic differs from any factor that cannot be immediately perceived. This accounts for both the man’s looks and the woman’s looks, as both of those need to be accounted for. While most individuals would prefer someone who is the most conventionally attractive, those who are practical understand that they need to expect that they will most likely have the best success at finding a relationship by pursuing those who are around their level of attractiveness. Attractiveness in this case is not only determined by looks, but it is an important factor that carries a lot of weight among other characteristics that form the complete attractiveness profile. When dealing with long term relationships, the general rule still applies, but that rule does not hold under current circumstances due to female hypergamy and the male sex drive.

Female hypergamy causes women to seek the best man they can get, but before the illusion of infinite choices brought about by online dating and social media, women’s standards were far more reasonable as they not only had far less men to choose from, but also demonstrated that their standards were reasonable as far more marriages happened, as well as far fewer divorces (that may be a function of divorce laws more so that women’s reasonableness but they still got married far more often). Thanks to the exposure that comes from the internet, women now have seemingly many more choices for men to choose. However, the number of choices is an illusion, as the top choices of men can only go to so many women (outside of harems). But this does not stop hypergamy, as women will still want the best kind of man they can get. This is where the test of a woman’s outlook takes place: does the woman understand what kind of man she can realistically get, or does she aim higher than she should?

The other part of the equation comes from men. Men, unlike women, do not have hypergamy and are therefore more likely to have more flexibility on who they find attractive enough for them to be interested in pursuing. This is regardless of whether or not the man wants a relationship as the goal of his pursuit. But still with relationships, men are more likely to have a broader criteria for the type of women they find attractive enough to pursue for that purpose. Most men understand what kind of woman they can expect to attract, and generally act accordingly. But for those who are at the top of the attractiveness hierarchy, they not only have the choice to women near their attractiveness, but just about any other women. These men have the capability of having many women be interested in them, and for those who exploit that capability, they are the bane of women who are unrealistic in their approach to dating. Such a man may be willing to date some women long term, but he also has the opportunity to “play the field” regardless of his relationship status. He may see some women as not worth the effort of a relationship, but still find that his sex drive is strong enough and that a woman is attractive enough for him to be content having sex with such a woman. So if such a man does not have the moral restraints, he may indulge in having sex with such a woman. Whether or not he explicitly promises interest in a relationship or whether or not the woman thinks that leading with sex with a man will eventually earn her a relationship, the fact remains that the man has no real interest in a relationship with a woman he only wants for sex and the woman is operating under false assumptions that she is able to get a man like this to commit to her. But whether or not she believes an outright lie that she was told by such a man or her unrealistic view alone lead her to the conclusion that such a man would be willing to commit to her, she did not value determining the truth enough to prevent herself from being in this sort of situation. Therefore, she does not value truth and does not accept reality by her actions.

It is not that any particular lie or set of lies is what deceives a woman, but rather the presence of any sense of dishonesty should properly be determined with the proper methodology. This methodology requires the use of long term strategies such as not leading with sex early on in the relationship. While sex is not the only factor that must be considered when it comes to the approach with the timeline for determining a man’s truthfulness, it is a very significant factor in both the lead up to a real relationship and the actual start of a relationship. If a man is only interested in sex, it should be quite obvious if the woman is willing to seek the full truth of a man she desires. If she is blinded by an unrealistic outlook where she thinks that a man will be giving her a committed relationship, she is far less likely to realize this. If a man does want a long term relationship but presents himself falsely, a woman who does not value seeking the truth enough will only realize too late that the man was not as he presented himself to be. Along with that, she has probably already had sex with him during the course of the courtship, and given the pair bonding mechanism with sex, this creates a sunken cost for the woman as her ability to pair bond becomes diminished.

Overall, valuing truth and reality to the point that you make sure to seek it thoroughly protects everyone who wants to have a long term relationship. It is far better to find out that someone is not who they presented themselves to be and cut off a relationship before the time and emotional investment was made. It also is far better to realize what you can realistically expect for a relationship, as unrealistic expectations means you are far more likely to be deceived by someone who is willing to present themselves falsely in order to fulfill an ulterior motive. But for those like the women who claim that they keep on getting jerks that lie to them, they will only repeat their mistakes if they are not willing to value truth and reality over wishful thinking.