Hello, my name is Ryan Grey, a stage name of course, or, more apropos, a glorious sobriquet devised from the world's greatest novel, and before I tread on the verbose, I would like to inform new readers of my position and and outlook:

I have spent the past 8 years working as a Bouncer, Security Guard, vip security, personal security, and now doorman for everything from college divebars to high end nightclubs.

I paid for college(along with crippling loans) with this gig and learned more from it than any classroom. I'm also a total fucking Caveman so if you're here looking for data and research and smart guy shit, GayLubeOil or Rollo or Illimitable are far superior to my drivel.

Anywho, on to my purpose.

99% of my job is stereotyping and cold reading; being able to figure out who needs what, who can take what, who is willing to pay, what girls are down to fuck, what girls are classy, what guys are drunk or looking to cause trouble, you name it, I can pick them out with remarkable accuracy.

If you want to know what girl is most likely to fuck I got you. If you're looking for a decent girl to date and make a life with I've got you. You want to find the guy with the Coke or Weed I got you. You looking for the girl who is down to just let you and your friends turn her face into a Toaster Streudel I got you.

In the world of high end security there are two "best" positions: The guys they put in the vip area and the guys they put at the door. You can train anybody to be vigilant or be physical, but you can't teach someone(without great effort for such a basic job) how to interact and cold read human beings.

Working both spots requires you to know how to handle everyone from Billionaires to sluts to wannabe famous people to average joes.

I've spent quite a bit of time doing both because, frankly, it's something I'm great at. Everyone's got to be good at something and people just happen to be my thing. Working these positions as long as I have I've come up with a lifetime's worth of experiences, empirical evidence that I put ahead of all else.

It's led me to what I call the Tiger Theory: If you're walking down the street and you see a tiger do you wait and see if it's one of the good tigers or do you just fucking run?

The answer is always Run. The question is why do you run? You've never met a tiger before but you have the collective experience from thousands of years of human trial and error to tell you that tiger is going to fuck you up.

I merely translate that people. I stereotype for a living and none of the people I stereotype know, and they love me for it.

  1. 28-50 year old white ladies love that I flirt with them recklessly and always tell them they look 8 years younger than I KNOW they are. I know they're single or married to someone they probably don't respect. I'm not subtle at all here. I make them feel so good that they don't notice how long I made them wait in line for hotter girls.

  2. Young hot girls LOVE that I let them cut and make them feel special by pulling them to the front. They love that they get to sit at a table with a free bottle. Little do they know I'm just sending them in for free with rich white dudes who paid big money for a table. Their sole purpose is those guys entertainment, to make me look good.

  3. British dudes LOVE that I know soccer. I merely figure out what city they're from, call out the local club, and boom fucking tips galore.

  4. Black guys love feeling cool so I always make them feel like Ballers as long as they cough up that cash.

5.White guys love feeling powerful and showing off in front of women so I make sure to tell the ladies how fucking cool James or Stephen are and then charge them fucking double what I normally would.

I could go on and on but I think you get the point. The modern world we live in consists of a bunch of people pretending to be special and unique and the secret is NONE OF THEM ARE. They are all just covering up for the fact that the most interesting thing about them is their Instagram Account.

Most people fit their stereotypes. If a girl's butt cheeks are hanging out beneath her shorts or skirt she's probably a slut. Tattooed up chicks are not good decision makers. Black guys that look hood as fuck are the fight starters 95% of the time----I've actually got a topic on statistics tomorrow that goes into depth here.

This doesn't mean don't ever get to know people, the opposite in fact: it's the people who break the stereotypes who usually end up making the biggest impression.

But when a tiger appears you don't have time to get to know it, you have to act immediately. Learn to spot tigers and life gets much more simple.

While I hate doing this I do enjoy talking to people outside of Reddit so follow me @TheeRyanGrey on Twitter