Hi all, I’ve got a girl who I could potentially start a relationship with here. I wanted to hear some thoughts from more experienced members of the community.
My background: I’m a 31M, been at least somewhat RP aware since 2021. I used to be a total 0 with girls, late term virgin, all that. So naturally never had an actual GF. But been able to get a few short term things here and there since then. I’ve been poking around at venues by myself on the side and have another high IoI prospect off on the horizon, but that’s it for other women in my life right now.
About us: I’ve been seeing the girl (26F) about 6 weeks. We met at a hobby group, I gave her a challenge, told her she would win a drink if she did it, and she did. So I took her out dancing. Since then, a mix of dancing, other meetings, and of course bedroom activities. When she asked early in, I told her I am not looking for a relationship right now and want to stay casual. She was ok with it at the time.
She is very flirty and touchy with me outside of sex. She also came to my place to cook for me when I was sick and had me over for dinner twice (which again she cooked). When we go out, we are 50/50 on cost, by her own insistence. She works in corporate and is somewhat feminist and liberal and all that, but not to the point of blue hair and asking me to read Virginia Wolfe. I also like that we come from a somewhat similar ethnic background (both children of immigrants, both at least part Asian). Despite being liberal, I also think she is much smarter and more reasonable than the majority of girls (and people) I’ve come to know.
Interesting kicker: She says was a virgin before meeting me. I know the usual “women lie about body count” stuff, but from what I’ve seen, I actually do believe she was, from how awkward and unknownledgable she is in the bedroom ways. She says she has been in 2 relationships, one with a Christian dude who wanted to wait till marriage, the other a dude who she kissed and did hand stuff with (she said, without me asking). From what I see, she followed a study hard -> corporate nun path without much dating or partying, due to Covid in the middle. I’ve heard all about pair bonding, virginity, and how taking too many dicks ruins bonding, hence why I’m writing so much about it.
The dynamic between us is that she thinks I’m much more experienced than her and that I’m “a player” and “mysterious”, which I will certainly continue to play off of.
Very recently, she told me that she would want to hear if I do fuck another woman on the side honestly, but that she would be hurt and she does want commitment, and is worried that I’m just using her for sex. I told her that as a guy I like being able to sleep with other girls when I want, but that I do value my time with her outside sex and feel a connection with her, all of which I really believe, myself.
She cried a bit but I was able to assuage her that I wasn’t going to just suddenly poof out of her life, and she said she would table the commitment talk a few 3 months. We then fucked the next morning lol.
Obviously, I’ve at least bought myself time. I’m open to the idea of a non-marriage relationship, as I’ve never been in one, and don’t want to give up my commitment easily or too quickly. But I’ve also never really had to seriously vet or consider a GF, as I knew for sure in my past stuff I wasn’t going to LTR the girls.
What does the community think here? Is this a solid prospect to start off with? And am I overvaluing taking her virginity?
TLDR: been casually seeing a girl who is a few years younger than me for 6 weeks. I’ve got no LTR experience. Took her virginity. I enjoy spending time with her both in and out of the bedroom. She is pushing for commitment, will want a decision in 3 months. Is she a solid prospect to proceed? And am I overvaluing her virginity?
Attempt to answer myself: I should use the time I’ve bought to keep vetting her, and not immediately throw her in the LTR or casual only piles. In the meantime, I should explore that one other peripheral prospect and find others, and fuck them if possible. And be honest with this girl in this post if I do, part to not be a liar and part to test her attraction for me.
mattyanon Admin 6d ago
urgh.
Yes you are.
Look, she's a potential gf. That's fine. Go enjoy it. Just don't move in together, don't get her pregnant, and never ever agree to step on the fast-forward elevator to marriage.
GeorgeIII 1 1w ago
Thanks for all the replies and advice everyone.
Talked it over with her, I’ve agreed to not fuck other women for now, but we won’t have any label and will not be telling other people in our circle. And I told her that if I don’t like, being sexually exclusive, I’ll cut her loose. Let’s see how things go.
And of course, no moving in or marriage on the calendar.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1w ago
Good.
Something important to keep in mind: what do you want?
Hugo_The_Great 1w ago
Shit test but it's to be expected.
Just realize even if you pass it and manage to keep it casual for a while longer, the 'free trial' period usually expires within 6 months. At that point it's up to you to promote or not.
You can give it a shot and see where it goes if you think she provides enough value to your life outside of sex and is 'high quality' in general. Fall in love and shit. And yeah don't get married.
EurasianChad 1 1w ago
Most women will get attached first in a situationship or casual dynamic, ESPECIALLY if they are less experienced sexually. You're handling things perfectly. She thinks you're a player, take it as a compliment. You're being honest with intentions and also keeping your willingness to walk, also good. The way I see it, you're holding all the cards here.
Vet her as much as you can for a relationship if you consider it with her. Observe her behavior, and be non judgemental when she talks about her past. That way she can open up everything, and you'll see whether you can deal with it or not.
I've been in this exact situation before. Whenever they ask for commitment or exclusivity I say that I'm just going with the flow and don't believe I should rush into anything. If I decide the time is right then I will. If not, I won't.
First-light 2 1w ago
I think there can be a danger in unnecessarily playing women in these situations. Do you want to try for a long term relationship with this woman? That is all you really need to ask yourself. Is it worth saying you will see only her in return for her saying she will see only you? That's all it comes down to. Its not a contract with a fixed term. Either of you can end it when you like, its just a statement of how you intend to operate.
Women don't forget negative things. Early on in a relationship inertia, falling in love and fear of losing will cause them to put up with a lot to keep you. That tolerance decreases over time but the scars it leaves remain permanent. Its not a problem if you are looking for short term stuff -you can make her do lots of stuff to try to win you- but the effect of the scars kicks in past a couple of years and only increases over time.
My advice is that unless you are seeing or at least pursuing other girls and getting lots of satisfaction out of it, you have little to lose by agreeing exclusivity with her. Its not like you can't end it if you want. If however, you string her along with wanting to keep options open she will remember it. It will be OK if its a brief stage that she comes out of with a win but if it remains a long term sore in the relationship it won't be.
Also consider what you are doing if you make it a stage that she has to win. At first she is miserable and doubts you, then when you cave in, you have just proved that pestering, nagging and crying work on you. Her next target for the pester power may be an engagement ring. Caving in under long term pressure is a weak move. Saying after a short time that you you didn't want to be pushed but now you have made a decision that you you value her enough to want to be exclusive is a slightly stronger position.
One sided monogamy is perfectly possible but as someone who did it for some years, I can say it is not the same sort of relationship. They know there are limits and rivals. They hold something back and you hold something back -in both cases by necessity. By all means try it but its probably best to have had normal LTRs first. You also need to be sure that you are making the women a good offer -if its not above what they could normally expect from an exclusive LTR, why would they accept it except in the early stages when they have fallen in love and hope to win you?
Everyone likes to know where they stand. Its OK to wait to be exclusive before entering a relationship but if you dangle exclusivity out there like a carrot for a long time, while acting like you are in a relationship, its unnecessarily unsettling. She doesn't know if she is a girl friend or a plate. If she only wants to be a girlfriend that makes her ask "Is she a fool?" and "Is he just very selfish?"
Hugo_The_Great 1w ago
Got any experiences/examples to elaborate on that?
Right, just maintain frame and ignore the pressure she tries to apply. I'd just tell her if I'm consdering her for LTR something along the lones of 'I really like you, but I don't give my commitment away so easily' and just explain you want to keep getting to know her on a deeper level and date a little longer to get a clear view on compatibility and if/how the two of you could integrate your lives if you decide to go down the LTR route. If she objects to any of this or tries to argue, she loses instantly imo because what you've laid out is no more than fair.
Now you've given her some sense of security but also no guarantee of any kind so she can't complain if you back out later. This gives them a clearer picture of where they stand and they can appreciate the honesty. This should btw never be a conversation you initiate before she starts to really prod and pressure you as to where you two stand. And absolutely not any sooner than 3 months in (but I guess that becomes more difficult the older the woman, I have no experience beyond mid-20 women).
And then you get another 3 months to screen her. At some point she will bring up some talk about exclusivity again and if everything has been smooth sailing and you see her as LTR worthy, said conversation takes less than minute as there is enough connection/understanding/honesty on both sides that it barely needs to be even verbalized.
First-light 2 1w ago
Yes I have experience of doing this. In my case the women agreed to my having an other woman or women but really it was not what they wanted deep down. Over time it embittered them. I am still with the last of them. It would have been a better relationship if I had build positively with her in the early stages when everything is easy, when you feel together naturally. If I had my time again, I would not have had all the drama of having more than one woman. Its exhausting and the drama leaves its scars on the relationship.
I am sure there are plenty of women who are not jealous and are happy to share but I am also sure they are a minority and quite a small one. Everything you have comes at a cost, so consider what you really want from a LTR before you pay that price. Cheating later when it is not working out may actually make more sense in many cases (though I am not there yet myself) than going in polygamous with women who do not really want to share.
GeorgeIII 1 1w ago
This is pretty much my plan here. Passively have other options in the periphery. The benefits are
1: quick and clean alternative if things go bad, so I don’t feel attached to a bad situation, if it arises. 2: makes me more confident in my game with the current lady, so the odds of things continuing smoothly go up 3: if I implicitly appear to have options she is also more likely to behave well.
Musicgoon78 3 1w ago
Brother, you get a limited time on this earth. Spend some of it around women you enjoy. If you're thinking about starting a relationship, just do it. You wouldn't be questioning us if you weren't leaning heavily towards that.
An LTR is just two people that agree on rules of conduct. It's a label. And the connection is what matters, not the label.
Here's the truth: as long as you don't cohabitate or have a kid, you can change your mind at any time. Enjoy your time with her. If it doesn't work out, onto the next.
adam-l Senior Endorsed 2w ago
Nice to read some guy doing well, for a change :)
Seeing where you come from, this is a great chance to gather experience. As long as you don't get her pregnant, I don't see you have something to lose, both by keeping her around and by LTRing her.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2w ago
I'll respond when I have a better opportunity, that being said exclusivity should always be a step before a relationship
That way you can vet a woman before you attach a label and she still has something to lose.
Guys don't say it much since so many men just go from fucking to "what are we?" And immediately fold into a label.
Whatever you do, understand that no-label exclusive dating can and should be a step before an actual label or official relationship because you can see how she actually behaves with rules and standards and if she stops respecting you as much cause she thinks she's got you hooked.
A lot of men skip mere exclusivity between casual plating/FWB and a relationship status, you shouldn't skip it if you're serious about vetting more. It's an olive branch per se if you want more time to vet without a solid woman getting anxious and breaking but without folding your power or labels away.
Also, an LTR is about two years of dating. Getting into a relationship in the first place doesn't make it an LTR. Long term relationship means long term. You can't possibly know if a relationship will be long term merely by getting into a relationship.
It's a frequently misused acronym on here. Should just be "relationship" if referring to a new relationship.
Durek_The_Bald 2w ago
Sure, go for it if you want. It's an experience to learn from, if nothing else. There really isn't any guarantee against "bad things" happening. A virgin can get FOMO, and cheat on you, just like any experienced slut. She can turn out to be a bitch over time. Maybe she'll be too boring in bed for you in the long run. Maybe you'll go overly beta through a thousand concessions. There are a thousand things that can potentially make it a shit experience eventually. What matters is how you deal with stuff if/when it happens. I've failed, done some cringe stuff, picked some wrong women etc. It's all good. As long as you didn't marry her, buy a place together, or get her pregnant you can always bail fairly easily.
Overkill_Engine Endorsed Contributor 2w ago
Or let her move in. On that note, be aware and wary of any local common law marriage statutes, they vary by state.
Always be vetting, always have an exit plan.
@GeorgeIII
pofkaf 1 2w ago
If you have to ask an internet forum, you're probably not ready for a relationship.
Be wary of your "non-marriage" mentality. Every woman who wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you, will also want you to marry her at some point. You have to be ready to face tons of comfort and shit tests about that. She will suck your dick, then turn around and act as cold as ice...just to try and get that ring. She will try to build the relationship one step at a time, just to make you comfortable with higher levels of commitment - first it'll be meeting her friends, then her family, then living together, then getting a pet, and so on.
You have to be prepared to shut down those advances if you truly don't want them. Which means you also have to be prepared for her to fuck another guy, or walk away from your relationship. The third option, of course, is for you to be prepared to marry her (and all of the challenges that stem from that).
Your choice.