Been in a relationship with HB8 for 3 months. She is the same girl I posted about last time. My first time having a girlfriend.
My old post is here: https://www.forums.red/p/asktrp/324472/are_these_iois
On a new account because my old email address got hacked. Thanks mods for helping me clear it up.
What do you do if your girlfriend seems to have a swarm of beta orbiters and simps that are always trying to kiss her ass and get access to her?
What do I do about how she snoops through my things?
Is it normal that she is dominating my space, bringing a suitcase load of beauty products every time she stays over and leaving half of them behind? Five different kinds of shampoo in my shower, bottles of lotions in my car and my office and every room of my house?
Are these things normal or are there actions I should take? She is a very nice girl and I am happy. She is bright and cheerful, pleasant to spend time with, understanding, tries to make me happy and meet my needs.
Thanks lads.
Edit to answer own question:
I think red pill would say it would be to have other options and not focus on one girl but she is extremely hot while I am disfigured from an accident. Don't know how to get an abundance mentality when other women all think I'm scary. Act confident but honestly feel lucky that even one hot girl thinks well of me.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 12h ago
No one answered so I'll give it a shot
1
It's a woman's job to regulate access to her in a committed relationship, including orbiter attention (aka back up options) and she isn't. Red flag.
2
I find this behavior to projection. Women who are so jealous and insecure of you that they have to snoop themselves would do something shady in my opinion. Not a 1:1 correlation but I've seen it enough times this is a red flag.
Even if it isn't projection, it's clear disrespect. Established firm boundaries and red lines, tell her overtly it's unacceptable and that you won't stand for it and make sure you actually walk out of this if she continues. Don't go back on a boundary you have established
3
Absolutely not. Considering most men don't even like this much makeup this is completely unacceptable and it is unacceptable anyway
Women like to mark their territory with hair clips and panties etc but this is over the top and you're in her frame if you're allowing it. Say a firm no and either leave her suitcase outside on your porch next time or stop seeing her over it if she keeps disrespecting you
Further, depending on where you live (local laws) and how much stuff she has left behind, she can actually squat if she's crazy enough. She can claim she lives there because she has so much stuff in your house. This isn't okay
4
And yet you got her anyway and she's jealous of your perceived options
There's your abundance. Tolerating major boundary crossing and attention seeking from other men is unacceptable
You need to put up boundaries because she will eventually leave you over your lack of them after she dominates your frame
You should probably not be in a relationship with a woman like this and should take the confidence boost you got her and pursue better women imo
GeorgeIII 11h ago
Verm has already answered most stuff.
I’d just add that I wouldn’t be too worried about beta orbiters, within reason.
Understand that even most 6’s have orbiters. It’s practically guaranteed that an 8 will. With today’s simp economy especially.
Orbiters can actually be a good thing. (1) They can make you look good assuming you are her alpha. If she is surrounded by 5 orbiters and you (the alpha), you look really good as being top dog. (2) They take some of the comfort requirements off your shoulders. For example, if the two of you have a fight, they will become her emotional tampons lol. Remember, a king doesn’t get mad over every thirsty peasant jealous of his hot wife.
Of course this orbiter stuff has limits (which you can decide the limits on). For example, a bad situation would be if she is staying the night at an orbiter’s place.
robert87 5h ago
Alright here was the problem in my thinking. The orbiter attention - is this a normal thing that happens with all hot women? Is it inevitable? Then I puzzled over whether it would be worse to let it continue or worse to show insecurity by addressing it directly. Whether this is a boundary I communicate, or a situation where I draw back quietly, or a non-issue that I ignore.
By beta orbiters what I mean mainly are friends since high school who obviously want her but have never tried making a move. Some of them share a social circle with me too. Guys through text try to convince her not to be with me, tell her I’m disgusting and a loser and below her. She shows me these and does defend me. I wonder over whether it's better to address how it seems not right to talk to these guys at all. Or whether I should act like it doesn’t bother me to display high value/show I am not threatened.
I have been right there while men approach right in front of me as if they assume I must be a family member or something platonic, as if they would think she is not there with me as a boyfriend (I am a one-eyed man with two-thirds of my face badly scarred). She responded to these situations with PDA and also does PDA in general when we are out together now. In fact I now think there's something thrilling for her in being seen with me especially by other men who like her. I can see it in how she leans into me and shows PDA more when people look and how her face looks happy and mischevious when they seem shocked. And text convos where she flaunts it, similar to this as an example:
Guy: You're not really with Robert? Her: Yes, I am INDEED with Robert. (+ bunch of emojis of hearts, kisses, and smiley faces). Guy: Not really? You're joking? You don't really kiss and fuck and everything? Her: Yes I do kiss and fuck Robert ALL THE TIME (+ bunch of emojis of hearts, kisses, and smiley faces).
With the snooping - I do not want to break up but the idea is that I have to enforce boundaries or all the respect will leave and the relationship will then eventually end - and not on my terms. That is the idea right? My girlfriend's father cheated on her mother and she’s naturally distrustful of men. I wonder if she got with an ugly virgin like me on purpose because she thinks I couldn’t/wouldn’t cheat. Although that's true the attraction will go away if I am baited into the constant beta reassurance loop. What I said so far is that there must be trust if our relationship is going to work and that I’m not going to repeat over and over again what I already told her once (that I would not betray a person who is good to me). What I will have to say next is that the snooping must stop and that if she cannot trust me then this is not going to work out between us. Am I thinking right?
Anyways she is only 19 and a really nice girl. bright and cheerful, very beautiful, happy personality. I am still working on developing a positive view of myself but I approached and was rejected by a hundred women (HB4,5,6) before I decided to just go for HB8 in my social circle and felt lucky and shocked that she didn't stop me and actually let me fuck her.
Most women literally recoil at me because I look scary but my girlfriend is really into reading these dark romantic novels. So she sees me as "you are so cool, you look like you've been through war and survived it, your face makes you look so strong." Nobody else has said anything like that about me. It must be only a very niche subset of women that could find me attractive and of those, most of them are likely not as hot or nice as the girl I have right now. I'm still working on internalizing the positive psychology and for now trying to hobble along as best I can in the meantime, still feeling something like an imposter just fronting alpha confidence.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 4h ago
It's normal, but optional. She doesn't HAVE to let them give her attention. That's a woman fail in my book. I expect girlfriends not to have that in our lives. My former girlfriend did not let men do that while with me. I don't tolerate it.
Oh they've made a move. It just didn't work and their move, even if subtle or indirect, was still an attempt. Again, at least one of these orbiters or a future orbiter is going to possibly end up being a viable backup if you have a bad fight, etc.
Orbiters are traitors to men who fuck. Again, I don't like them for a reason, I don't care if they are ineffective, I don't want that energy in my life or relationship.
Clearly she doesn't care. Women are more forgiving of scars than men.
If you do not have boundaries with women any outcome you would have inevitably have had with them will accelerate to an end. You need boundaries.
That's not okay. Put a password on your phone and if she wants to know something you talk about it on your terms. End of story.
Read this post
I'm truly sorry that happened to you in your life but need I say more? Maybe one day you can save for cosmetic surgery but for now it's clear you can get women. You might need to come across as friendlier or so to compensate but you get results. So run with your ability to get results.
If you can succeed once, you can succeed again.
You're not. Take this one step at a time. Boundaries. You need boundaries. No shit left at your house, no more snooping. She has to ask for info and if it's reasonable she can get it.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 4h ago
I'm not saying you should dump her over orbiters, I'm saying I personally have no tolerance for it and it's a selection criteria for me ever getting into another relationship again
robert87 1h ago
That post you linked is so true. Mid girls really are bitches compared to hot girls. Many of them that rejected me treated me like I wasn't even human. I guess they did me a favour because I don't think they'd be any fun to be around. Nah don't think I'll go for plastic surgery. Saved up for it funnily enough but once I got my hands on enough money to do it I couldn't bear to part with it. I considered it for a long time, but another guy I know of who spent a huge amount on reconstructive surgery has this uncanny valley vibe and still doesn't look normal. The way I am now its obvious that I had an accident, I wasn't born like this, the unharmed side of my face still looks normal. My new girl likes me how I am, sees my ugly face more like a cool sign of how I faced death and survived and is excited to be with me. If it doesn't work out with her I might be able to find other women who have this similar niche romantic taste.
Thinking of going with something like this:
"I like you a lot and I want this to work. But I’m not going to live in a relationship where I’m treated like I’m guilty. If you want to be with me you stop the snooping thing. If you can’t trust me we shouldn’t be together."
or
"Don’t go through my things again. If you can’t trust me we shouldn’t be together."
I don't know if I should bring up the orbiter thing or wait until she shows me another text from one of them talking badly about me.
Would not the higher status reaction be to be entertained, not angry?
To laugh, and say something along the lines of "Tell him to cry harder."
I think I've read somewhere that it seems insecure to tell a woman to cut them off.
What about something like this:
"I’m not worried about those guys. But I’m also not going to seriously date a woman who keeps male ‘friends’ around who disrespect her man."
Vermillion-Rx Admin 34m ago
Okay cool. Glad you are resilient about it
no, too wordy and negotiative. Don't
"I gave it thought and I don't want you to go through my belongings or my phone any more. If you need to know something we can go from there"
If she protests:
"I've been transparent this entire time, these are my boundaries."
I don't think she's causing you enough problems with it to bother and you didn't seem that bothered by it, so disregard my own personal standards. I don't think you are at the experience level to navigate that with the right frame at this time so just let it be for now.
no. Indifference is often the best reaction unless a woman necessitates a reaction. This doesn't deserve much of one, unless there's more she's doing with him than just letting him be an angry orbiter getting nothing out of it.
Focus on your boundaries instead, including:
**"I can't have you leaving all this stuff at my house like this. A few toiletries max."
If she protests,
"This is my space, I don't want all of this stuff here, it is too much"
you don't need too explain why. It's plain excessive item dumping in your space.
It is, that's why I won't settle for women who really even have them at all. But that's just me and they do exist.
no, just leave it for now. You have other boundaries to enforce. Obviously don't turn your back to the orbiters. If something in your gut ends up feeling wrong about any of them, don't ignore it. Disregard my own standards for now, that takes more nuance to navigate