As the title states that's really what I've been wondering lately. I've considered talking with a therapist as well. I have goals I want to achieve in my own life and I'm sick of my dysfunctional family dragging me under. I'm sure some people have way worse s**t going on in their families than me, but hopefully this helps them as well.
Personally: My parents constantly fight. This has been going on since I was a kid. My father was always working and what most RP people might call a "nice guy". My mother would talk s**t about my dad often in front of me and my siblings. They would get into big arguments it seemed like on a regular basis. My father never really showed alot of love towards my mother either, or even seemed to try and fix things between both of them. I believe this affected my early dating life. I got very little if any guidance on how to approach relationships with women. Ironically one time my father actually asked ME for advice with my mother.
I don't know all the specifics but I would suspect their relationship is a dead bedroom. My mother told me relatively recently she caught my father watching porn and talking to other women on facebook. I'm not sure as to the details, accuracy, etc. I honestly think I just disassociated with this, and refused to let myself get involved. There was other more important and heavier things happening at that time as well, and I never confronted my dad on this.
They continue to get in arguments, seemingly more frequently since then. And my mother continuously accuses him of cheating or talking to "his girlfriends". I asked my father what was going on between them and he actually told me something along the lines of "this has been going on for awhile, and it's no more Mr Nice guy".
My mother acts more and more in a feminist/independent way as this drama continues, not in a motherly way as one might expect. Additionally, I continue to learn rumors and whispers of both their past history. This includes possible drug use from my father, and more disappointing is hearing rumors of my mother working as a stripper in her past.
This has affected my brother as well, I believe. I won't get into details about that, but I see his development and guidance in life just turned out worse than mine. He is doing way better for himself though lately and also seems to disassociate from this drama. I'm proud of the direction he's turned his life around in.
Again, I know this level of drama is nothing, but living with them and constantly feeling this tension just brings my mood down incredibly. I'm not depressed, I just feel betrayed by the instability. I recently started heavily drinking just to try and forget about most of this. I have since put the bottle down, but I am struggling to figure out how to deal with this still.
Part of me feels some level of responsibility to help resolve this drama, but I also like to remind myself, my parents are both approaching 70, which makes this feel beyond ridiculous they haven't fixed things themselves at this point, and being together for 30+ years.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3h ago Stickied
How old are you? Are you at least 18
Edit:
Look it's extremely unclear how old you are and what your potential options are here because you could either be 20 or 40 in this post easily
FuzzyGorilla 3h ago
Fair. I am 30; recently decided to move back in with them for a little bit after living on the other side of the country for a few years.
This was a chance I saw to be closer with them while taking my time looking for a house, but now I'm considering finding one a bit sooner.
First-light 2 3h ago
I am sorry to hear you have some family difficulties. Family strife can be a drain on your energy for life and productivity.
We only get the cards we are dealt and it sounds like your parent's relationship is not ideal. It is easy to say "Take ownership and write your own story from now, be where the generation where the shit stops." This needs to be the main aim but one also has to be understanding of the material one has to work with to start.
At 70 your parents are unlikely to learn better thought habits, so you need to practise drawing a line with how far you go into their private hell. You can't help getting drawn in sometimes but practising drawing a line with kindness not with rage is a good habit to foster. It is important not to lose sight of kindness in how you think of and interact with family even when drawing a hard line, try not to do it with bitterness.
A lot of interactions in close relationships are an interplay between learned behaviours, inner nature and cultivated habits. What you learn from your parents also reflects your inner nature is like as you are their child. This can be a huge double handicap for some. Some people's parents were unlucky and their problems did not follow their inner nature but one does tend to find that types of behaviour runs in families by nature as well as nurture -like how twins separated can still have very similar personalities. So you have to work hard with the good habits, constantly re-evaluating your performance and yet also be forgiving of where some of your inner weaknesses are.
Spotting your own inner weakness is more important than spotting the weakness of a parent who will die while you still have a lot of life to live. When you are confronted by your own inner weakness, try not only to overcome it by cultivating better habits but also ask yourself, how can I work to avoid pushing on this weakness to start?
RP is all about self improvement and self help but in doing this, remember that many things can be overcome, particularly in a younger person but not all of them. You need to work with your nature not against it. Some people are argumentative, some people are less affectionate, some people are easily upset, easily stressed, bear grudges and so on. If you have a weakness, saying "I will be stronger. I will practise being stronger" probably won't totally fix it. You also have to accept it and work around it. If you are easily angered, practise making distance in arguments, deescalating and practise cooling off. This is easy to write but actually it takes time to adjust your habits.
Know yourself, work with your nature, improve yourself, be generous to yourself. This will make you a better person for others and less easily hurt by them. Make kindly avoiding petty drama a habit. Try to be the author of your own life. No one else can be.
NeoSpartan 2h ago
70 is crystalized brain. Neuroscience confirms there will not be a viable argumentation strategy that would ever bear any change.
Very much sucks bro, move out as soon as possible. Take your brother with you if you can. Or, set up a landing pad for him as best you can when he comes of age.
Boomers are cooked. Same as we will be when we reach 60+. Biology is a fucked up mistress. Look at any Boomer, Trump for example, he thinks he can remake the 1980s... at a certain point, your brain just ceases to be capable of taking in new information and adapting to it.
Move to a high opportunity area with low rents. Middle America with new factories or industry's opening up due to onshoring necessities.
Was South Dakota fracking 3 years ago as prime when I last looked, not sure what it is now, but I'm sure you can figure it out with some research.
Avg. home price relative to salary is what you want to look for.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2h ago
Look I hate to say this but as a default position as a man you should aim to leave home asap as soon as feasible, and that's with good parents, so you can have an autonomous life and a place you have friends, women and peace
With angry parents it's even more urgent. People, often past 40 years old and some times sooner as usually set in their ways. They've stubbornly done everything the same way their whole life and you're not going to change them.
They'd rather die stubborn than change a thing. It's also a typical boomer mentality if they are near 70. They certainly are not going to change
Your only real option is leave. Stubborn and jaded people who make it to this age and still behave like that only really apologize for their behavior on their death bed or when they are old and feeble. And even then many don't
This is a lost cause, you are going to stress out all these years for nothing, as are you siblings. You should all try to move. Are you able to get a house with siblings even?
mattyanon Admin 1h ago
This is awful.
probably did. you may expect conflict.
this is normal - noone gets good advice on women
right
It is deeply immoral for your mother to have this conversation with you.
good
uh huh
Don't get involved - no good will come of it, you can't change them, you can't change the situation, but it can be much worse for you as you get dragged into it and they both (consciously or not) drag you into their problems and weaponise you against each other.
right
as I say - keep your distance as much as possible.
yes
this is bad
You don't have to "deal with it". Ignore it as much as you can. Don't get sucked in. Don't try and fix it. Don't even try to understand it. Just ignore it as much as you possibly can. The struggle shouldn't be anything more than doing your best to distance yourself.
Alcohol is not the answer.
yes, offspring often feel responsible, but you are not responsible and anything you do to help one will make it worse for the other. Your parents marriage isn't working, and you can't fix it.
They are embroiled in the conflict, but neither is prepared to leave, and neither is either of them prepared to forgive.
So it's constant conflict: no forgiveness, no change, no improvement and no leaving. Just endless conflict, blame and bickering. Noone will take responsibility (honestly probably both are to blame). This cannot be fixed. There is no fix. They blame each other, they don't want to separate.... rinse, repeat.
You, however, have your whole life ahead of you. The sooner you can get out, the better.