I’ll try to make this long story short.
I met my girlfriend about 3 years ago. We lived together for about a year and a half. She was a great girlfriend, loyal, never cheated, never broke my trust. But I broke things off because I felt she was lazy and thought I could find a better option. I admit I spoiled her a lot because I loved her.
3 months after the breakup, I missed her and reached back out. She was honest and told me she had met someone new at her job and wanted to explore that. I respected it and stepped back.
She dated that guy for a year. During that whole time, I was still helping support her mom and brother (something I had always done, since I cared about them deeply). At one point she and that guy broke up for 2 weeks, during which she reconnected with me. We hooked up, talked every day, and I thought we were on track to get back together, but she went back to him.
Fast forward to the start of this year: I was arrested, my assets seized, and I went from living with big houses and cars to starting over. Even then, I still supported her family (and now). A little while later she finally broke up with that guy, and after a month or so she reached out to me again. By then, I didn’t have my lifestyle anymore, so I know she didn’t come back just for money.
We started taking things slow. Recently while laying in bed she told me: “After that 2-week split with my ex, I knew we’d eventually get back together. I just needed to make a clean exit with him and make sure I was making the right decision.” Later, she told me things like: “I love you so much,” “You make me feel like the happiest woman alive,” “You’re mine forever.”
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My interpretation: • On one hand, I believe she’s the love of my life. She came back to me after I lost everything, which makes me think her love is genuine. • On the other hand, I know I’ve been guilty of pedestalizing her and her family. I also realize I haven’t always held frame — I’ve been more focused on keeping her happy than on setting boundaries. • I want this LTR to work, but I want to do it without slipping back into old patterns.
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My questions to AskTRP:
- How should I navigate this LTR going forward?
- How do I keep my frame and avoid falling into the “provider” role again while giving this LTR a chance?
- What boundaries would you set in my situation (especially regarding her family)?
- What red flags should I watch out for moving forward?
First-light 2 4mo ago
I see its tricky. There are two ways you could look at this;
Who knows which version is true? To an extent both may be.
You have the opportunity for a bit of a re-set on the financial support thing but she will see it as part of you, so the re-set won't be too easy. You could re-set as "Right now I just need to concentrate on us and our future"
Moving can be a good idea if its an option -far from inlaws and back up guys she may have at work.
She has already tasted the ease of changing men, so you need to set boundaries over speaking to other men outside work.
Some women never forget people who have helped their families. Others see sponsors as ATMs. You won't know which unless you turn off the taps. Your changed circumstances are a great opportunity for this but just watch for signs of disillusionment with the relationship. All women have to end their run of power and glory somewhere and its best if it comes in settling down with a man who loves them. If she is wise enough to do this, it will be well. No one ever settles down without twinges of regret but she does need to see all the good in you outweighs the opportunities she has lost and this is what you really need to watch -where she stands on what she has lost and gained.
Prestigious-Exam-599 4mo ago
Very insightful reply thank you. So for the most part, play it cool and become her best option and I should be good?
First-light 2 4mo ago
Definitely play it cool and offer as little as possible to start as its much harder to take away than to fail to add. Your change in circumstances is a good excuse not to give too much.
The problem will be if she has her mind on the idea of better options or if she has genuinely decided that you are her choice.
Prestigious-Exam-599 4mo ago
Appreciate the replies.
Lone_Ranger 3 4mo ago
"During that whole time, I was still helping support her mom and brother"
Wait....WTAF?
What the fuck are you doing bro? That's INSANE
Lostandhound 4mo ago
I think you judge him this harshly because you didn't finish reading.
He actually mentions that on 2 separate occasions.
You should judge him twice as harshly.
Prestigious-Exam-599 4mo ago
I was making like 40k a month dude and their rent is like $1,200 and expenses maybe another grand
Lone_Ranger 3 4mo ago
It doesnt matter if you were making $4m per month.
It's the principle of it. You are presenting as a pay pig, and this will always end up with getting put in the beta bucket.
Prestigious-Exam-599 4mo ago
What should I do then ???? we’re already back together and in that “honeymoon” stage again but I want to do it right this time and make sure i maintain a decent frame and keep her behaving good lol
Lone_Ranger 3 4mo ago
It sounds like you are leaving a lot of detail out.
The simple fact (on its own) that you were paying for her family is enough for me to say that you are in a daddy / provider dynamic with this woman.
I would demote to plate and keep it moving.
And tighten up those purse strings, and stop being so beta.
Prestigious-Exam-599 4mo ago
Can a relationship work if u are in provider status or? If it works im cool with it as long as each party respects one another
Musicgoon78 3 4mo ago
No. An actual "relationship" needs desire. You are simply getting used for your resources.
adam-l Moderator 4mo ago
I take it you are in a non-western country? Supporting her mom and brother sounds weird. In the West, it's not viable, it's too expensive.
You should be doing your stuff, and she should be the one worrying about "making this work". This is the frame you need.
If/when she decides to leave you, there is almost nothing you can do to stop it. Typical advice runs "be her best option", but again, if this is taking up more energy than you are able to replenish, it will burn you out. Don't get paranoid, but since she already left one time, it's something she can do a second.
So relax, do your stuff, and enjoy it while it lasts. Invest on your self instead of the relationship. That's what can work in the long term.