I’ve been casually dating for the past five years, but recently I got into a serious relationship. It started long-distance, but she actually moved in with me last week—sooner than either of us planned.
She’s attractive, does the cooking and cleaning, and our physical connection is strong—we’re intimate multiple times a day. Before making things official, we had a quick talk about what we both expect in a relationship, and I made it clear that staying in touch with exes is a dealbreaker for me. She told me that she doesn't keep contact with them, which I appreciated.
After we became official, I brought it up again just to be sure, and she reassured me that there’s no communication with them.
But recently I found out that her definition of “not keeping in touch” is… flexible. She doesn’t message them directly, but she still interacts with their posts on social media. I even noticed that some of them seem to have access to more personal content she shares—like stories that aren’t public. At the very least, it seems like she’s still feeding off their attention—and that doesn’t sit well with me.
I really do like her, and we’ve been having a good time together. Still, this crosses a line for me. I feel like if I bring it up again, it might have to be in the context of ending the relationship—but part of me thinks there’s potential here, and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.
For context, I’m not hung up on anyone from my past. I’ve been completely loyal, and maybe that loyalty has made me a bit too scarce emotionally.
So now I’m stuck wondering: Is breaking up the only logical step, since she hasn’t respected this boundary or even tried to understand it? Or is this my own scarcity mindset blowing it out of proportion?
Ending things right after she moved in feels abrupt, but the fact that she’s still emotionally entertaining other people while I’m 100% focused on her… makes me think I should start emotionally detaching and maybe even consider opening myself up to others too.
My answer: It's scarcity. I am restricting myself from female attention while she is still entertaining attention from other men. This situation can be saved assuming she's innocent, but if she isn't trying to get with my standards or try to match them, then she simply values other people's attention than mine
First-light 1w ago
Its good that you are now with her all the time. Now you can address this. It will only get harder once a routine is established between the two of you. Start as you mean to go on.
It won't be easy. You must not get heated up about it or let her get heated if you can avoid it. Its not a negotiation, its not an ultimatum, its setting out your boundaries. You are not angry. You are not going to get too far into it. The ground rules are mutual exclusivity. If you can both agree to the principle by how you lead the conversation, then this will be a logical next step in implementing your agreement. You are already feeling like looking up other girls because of her behaviour. You both owe it to the relationship to give each other the best shot.
Your next problem is what happens when she tests the rule? If you threatened the door at once, you have to split or she has called your bullshit and you have taught her that you are a bullshit artist she can disrespect. So try not to make this too hard line but its very clear its not acceptable. If you have to keep saying she is breaking a rule, then you will need at that point to give the ultimatum and bin her if she crosses the line, just don't set it up to fail on first test. Some women will test you. Its not good but you are fairly invested now and its not logical to bin her straight away after finally getting her here. Some women will accept things after a test or two brings a bad result -its how they learn- others never learn. Men are just the same -some accept it from the off. Some test it, some can't learn.
You could agree to mutually block certain contacts at the same time?
Mofreer 1w ago
This is something that I prefer. I am heavily invested with this girl. But I have vetted poorly. It seems like there are a lot of points that need to be addressed, that it's starting to feel like a training camp.
I have already started to detach emotionally which isn't easy itself. We have an upcoming trip in a few days, I'm going to see how this trip goes, and make a decision.
One thing I can say: I might also be avoiding confrontation, and as a result I'm going this route. So, I want to be sure this is something I truly want.
First-light 1w ago
I think one thing to remember is that no one ever vets perfectly, unless perhaps you grow up in the same village, so don't stress over any errors. You need to find someone who you can work with, who can meet you in the middle, who accepts your feelings are valid, who will (usually) listen when she is being over emotional and accept your leadership.
Vetting doesn't really end when you ask her out or when you sleep with her the first time or when you tell everyone or when you move in. It ends when you are satisfied you really know her. Sooner is better, before investing too much but doing the job well is better than doing it badly, particularly when you are invested. Don't beat yourself up about the vetting, just carry it on. Its not lost until she simply refuses to respect and work with you after you have tried.
Just be wise in how you engage with her and trust your boundaries, help her to share your vision of a good relationship with your wise boundaries to protect it. If she doesn't get the vision after you have given it a proper try, then she is not the right girl but till then, don't despair, look to your leadership qualities, be positive, care for her and have vision.
No-Stress-Cat 1w ago
Welcome to the world of Womanese. Just have a chat with her and let her know that in order for this relationship to continue, she's going to need to unfollow and block her exes, that you will not be competing for her attention. She's either all in or all out, no in between. That leaves the ball in her court to decide.
Mofreer 1w ago
I am a little bit hesitant to issue ultimatums as it feels its coming out of weakness. I suppose that's where my confliction lies. I know this is a red flag, but I also want to address it somehow?
No-Stress-Cat 1w ago
It's not an ultimatum. It's a choice. Her choice. Why would you not hold her to the same standards that you follow yourself? You're all in, why should she not be as well? Basically, you are being weak by not making her hold up her end of the bargain.
Mofreer 1w ago
I also have to admit that I started avoiding confrontation, so the weak thing is just me trying to rationalize it
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
This isn't really an ultimatum it's a clear relationship boundary you aren't enforcing
However, any relationship quality woman wouldn't be doing this, you shouldn't even have to be in a position where she has you needing to do something about it. You vetted poorly
Overkill_Engine 3 1w ago
Yeah now he's stuck fighting an uphill battle.
@mofreer
You don't have to issue an ultimatum, in fact, any overt verbal communication of displeasure or directly bringing it up yourself is not advised. However, you may have to engage in indirect communication with some ruthlessness, like dread game. Let her see you get flirted with/paid attention to by other women more than you otherwise might. Especially on the same social media that she engages in and is boundary testing on.
Then when she complains just (silently) point to her posts where she's still fishing for attention from ex's.
If she can't take the hint with some grace then you know it's time to exit.
That being said, you really shouldn't have had to do this to begin with and could have avoided this by vetting for better and longer to ensure that she is able to behave without you having to train her like a fucking dog.
Mofreer 1w ago
True, it feels like an uphill battle. I've actually decided to take the exit route directly. I'm positive she's aware on some level that what she's doing is unacceptable, but she thinks that since there's nothing blatantly ill-intentioned happening (innocent post interactions), she can maintain the status quo.
I'll break the news in the next few days.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
Read my comment too
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
While i support this advice if he wants to keep this relationshit this is just in my personal tastes unbecoming of a girlfriend, it's street behavior, the streets are still calling her name and she can't drive down relationship lane without looking in the rearview
This is behavior i would never want to waste my energy fixing
Mofreer 1w ago
I agree with you. I am choosing this way. Although I am emotionally involved with her, I believe already expressing this boundary once was enough.
What's done is done now
Overkill_Engine 3 1w ago
Oh, same, was just giving the "try to salvage this shitshow (haha good luck)" version of advice .
I've noticed that once someone has been told how much work/stupid performative bullshit they have set themself up for, they start to realize "Next" is probably the more efficient use of time and effort.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
That's actually a brilliant tactic to getting men to realize it, thanks for the perspective!
Durek_The_Bald 1w ago
Scarcity, yes.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
You need to try to answer your own question in AskTRP posts per the AskTRP rules
Wintergreen Didn't Read Sidebar (confirmed) 1w ago
I had an ex that liked her ex’s posts while we were together but she was also willing to unfollow them. Personally I’m not exactly sure how much it matters vs doesn’t that they like the posts, although to me it made me feel like shit, but if they won’t unfollow them that is a huge red flag. I was pleasantly surprised that she was willing to unfollow.
I think sometimes them liking the posts is less about them wanting to fuck them still and more about the fact that they are acknowledging that this person gave them SOME value that they retain. Maybe the person taught them a new perspective on life and so they want to support that person for little things like that.
However, them being there does indeed make it more likely that they will fuck again after you two breakup.
As for the private stories thing… that’s nothing. It’s actually a plus in my opinion that your girlfriend didn’t care enough to remove them from that. If they are not interacting on these stories then that itself doesn’t matter.
My opinion is that she needs to unfollow them or you should end it. Also, in my opinion this kind of stuff, while not actually cheating, suggests that she does not fully stick to strict “no grey areas” thinking. It’s not ideal. But then again, I can’t say for certain that I wouldn’t like an ex’s posts on social media if they were kind to me in the past, even if I didn’t care about them anymore. Sometimes there is a great feeling when you can stop giving a shit about an ex and just treat them like every other random person on your Instagram, which includes liking their posts.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
This is why TRP says no cohabitation
MentORPHEUS Senior Endorsed 1w ago
Record scratch!
I made that mistake over and over as a younger, more naive and idealistic-toward-women man with his own house. It always seems so great at first, but makes breaking up difficult, and God help you if she turns out to have BPD or similar, because the police sure in the fuck won't.
Mofreer 1w ago
If she is that way, then I vetted horribly haha.
My mistake while vetting her about this prior to exclusivity was asking the question directly; she obviously fed me an answer to my liking.
I have already started detaching. We have something going on in the next few days, I will have fun with it, and give her the news then.