This is a blend of vent/rant-field study and red pill case.

I'm 26 y.o. and i met this 24 y. o. hottie in september. I was decisive and proactive in the beginning, I was stunned by her beauty but I was quick to build some rapport and ask her out leveraging her strong attraction for me.

In the first date I was totally amazed; I knew not to be needy or pursue, I knew I had to treat her like any other girl. But every moment I spent knowing her I realized she was closer and closer to perfection. Prettiest face, wide cat eyes, sweet pink lips, stylized nose, sharp jaw, shiny hair. Her body absolutely amazing, boobs and ass round and perfect shape and size, her skin silky and tan. I can't imagine a hotter girl than her, every other girl seems mediocre and ordinary in comparison. She kissed me in the first date, and then we dated for three months. Had good fun, sex was good, we always met at the evenings and spent the night together, 1-2 times a week. In subtle ways it was clear that I liked her more than she liked me. I was falling deep for her and she could surely detect that. Nevertheless she seemed to have a good time with me and had some initiative to set dates. I was trying to not show too much interest, wearing myself out with ruthless emotional self-control. I tried to date other girls but it was like eating rice leftovers knowing that you have caviar in the fridge: they completely turned me off as they were nothing compared to her.

As I discovered more of her, I felt more and more insufficient, insecure, worthless. She sings in two music bands, not famous but they perform around town and she is a good singer. She's had a threesome one year ago. Two of her male friends are in love with her, and she receives crazy amounts of male attention. Her social life is vibrant, intense and she has strong, old frienships. It's like her life is also perfect. Me, on the other hand, I've always struggled meeting new friends, been battling with depression for years, and my life is all projects, I haven't achieved anything yet. I've had couple girlfriends and I have a reasonable bodycount but none was nearly as hot or interesting as her. So at all times I felt like i wasn't enough for her, like I was mediocre and couldn't keep up, like my life was grey and boring compared to hers.

After 3 months of dating she was still giving no signs of wanting a relationship or anything close with me (although she said she really liked me and i was special to her), we only met once a week and she didn't show signs of being in love, she kept some emotional distance, and I was scared shitless that I was just some fun amusement to her (I know, I was getting laid and the emotional bond was progressing as it is inevitable, but in my fear I couldn't see this! What was the problem really? I wanted to see her more and get reassurance of her feelings towards me, and I know this is a mindset flaw). I was very impatient really. So I planned to become cold and play some intermittent reinforcement games on her to increase my value in her eyes and force her to want to spend more time with me and fall in love, trying to stimulate hypergamy through dread. I got some success, she became more needy and put more effort, but she confronted me about my hot and cold behaviour and my distant demeanor. At this point all my brain reward pathways were fried, my nervous system was dealing with tremendous anxiety which was there since our first date, and the rest of my life was stagnant due to different circumstances. So I was clumsy, sort of lost in the "fog of love", fumbled the ball, I blundered, failed to make her feel heard and understood, acted like a stupid immature douchebag and she was done. I promptly apologised, pursued a bit keeping my cool, and confessed that i acted this way out of fear, tried to get a second chance. It didn't work, as you can expect I only dug myself deeper. Now she wants nothing to do with me.

I'm dissociated. I feel like I'll never find any girl at her level, I don't quite understand how lucky I was to meet her at my master's degree class, she's like a celebrity-stripper-main character blend, great chef, singer, honest.... Just the whole package. So yeah, I feel so guilty about the whole thing that I want to kill myself for losing her. It's been 3 months since she broke up and I don't know what to do. Been thinking about going MGTOW, going Monkmode and working on my social life, my finances, my appearance and my status to become the kind of preselected high value alpha that will have access to girls as hot as her. It's either achieving this or acknowledging that I will forever be dissatisfied with women, always trying to find her again.

So, the thing is: if she actually was the whole package, if she actually was one of the hottest girls in the world, if she had all the qualities you might want in a woman but are very rarely found in the same woman, is it oneitis? or did I actually met a very rare specimen that has marked me and set the bar so high that I can never actually replace her? I feel alpha-widowed. Also, any similar stories on your side? Any advice on how to get out of this hole? I have a 10 year plan to become the man I want to be with the life I want to live, and be able to choose from an abundance of high quality woman, to kind of redeem this loss and this mistake, but it sometimes feels like a lost cause, I get self destructive and life feels completely empty and absurd.

Thank you for reading.