I've been in a LTR for two years. She was a plate/FB for a little bit, then soon we started having social time together (FWB). Almost a year in she asked repeatedly where do we stand and she became my girlfriend. No red flags, and plenty of green flags at that point.
Now 2 years or almost as an LTR and living together. Planning to start a family together in a year or so. I finally met her parents last week.
Two days ago, coming back home, she threw a tantrum. I tried to calm her down but couldn't. Maybe that was a mistake as it's supplicating behavior. When asking why she was mad she said loud, in a subway train full of people "you're being an asshole".
I left her there. I saw in the text notifications that she was getting a hotel. I didn't open the messages and this has become a soft-next so far. She continues texting being mad.
She had a similar tantrum a year and a half ago, but she didn't insult me back then. I soft-nexted her that time too.
I'm familiar with u/HumanSockPuppet's Guide to Managing Your Bitches. According to the guide, since she insulted me in public, she should be demoted to level 1 (plate/FB) and never rise again to anything beyond that.
I don't think I have oneitis. But I spent 2 years with her and maybe I'm falling the sunk cost fallacy. Or maybe u/HumanSockPuppet's guide is just too harsh.
The question for Ask TRP:
Just soft-next or hard-next (back to FB at most)?
EDIT: There's an event in 2 days where I'm going to run into her almost for sure. I'm considering ending the soft-next tomorrow.
Lionsmane8 1w ago
Dude, this is missing so much context..
Why did she throw a tantrum? What was the trigger? What was the build up to that (underlying issues)?
whytehorse2021 1w ago
Were you an asshole? Is this a you problem or a her problem?
BecomingABetterMan1 1w ago
I'm so glad you posted this link, because I was about to. You handled everything right as far as I'm concerned.
However, I will go slightly against what the guide recommends. She didn't know the consequences before, now she does. If she comes to you with an apology (and heartfelt blowjob), and shows sincere remorse, giving her a second chance would not be unreasonable. Just proceed with caution, and inform her there are no third chances.
Or just leave her as a plate and find someone who is never disrespectful, though I suspect this is a unicorn as bitches don't know how to be respectful in this clown world.
It all boils down to what you want to do here.
Freespiri 1w ago
If the relationship is worth saving, calm it down and refrain from any form of texting/messaing. Face to face only and book in a time to discuss issues.
I repeat dont do the texting thing.
I'd say you need to iron out whats going on with her (maybe you have issues unsaid here too I dont know).
Never do texting for disagreements or fights, set the boundary, never go there again.
Lone_Ranger 1 1w ago
agree with this.
She wants to drag you into text /messaging. That is where she will have the advantage.
Don't do it - face to face only.
The first thing to do is withdraw, and withdraw hard. Deprive her of the attention / validation / dopamine / tingles that she will get by just ignoring her for a while.
if she comes back to you with a sincere apology, then its up to you. I realise this is a live in girlfriend, therefore a proper LTR, so I understand that this serious stuff.
It may just be her hormones acting up and she is having a tantrum. Withdraw, give it time and see what she does next. In the mean time, take care of yourself, go to the gym, go out with your buddies have a good time, don't fret or worry. Continue with enjoying your life.
Lone_Ranger 1 1w ago
Forgot to add - when she does come back and eventually call you (I think she will if you withdraw hard enough) do not agree to her first suggestion.
So if she calls and says that she wants to come back to the home (she will get bored of the hotel real quick) and have a 'serious conversation', tell her
Sure - I'm a bit tied up right now, but how about day after tomorrow? I'm free at 6pm.
Typo-MAGAshiv 1 1w ago
I'd advise hard next. Definitely don't marry or start a family with her; women's behavior never improves after securing commitment.
Maturin_nj 1w ago
Requires a stern check with slightly raised voice never to disrespect you in public. Ask Her, do you understand. Now you know what shes capable of. Next time she'll ramp it to the next level. Stop it here and odds are high she'll never do it again. No worries it's all part of managing a relationship. Contrary to what you may read, no chicks are perfect but need to be corrected and molded.
This can not be said in the good guy accommodating way. This is where niceguys open the door to progressively poor behavior. Is it any wonder why these nice guys get flattened over time.
First-light 1w ago
Clearly is not acceptable behaviour but you do want to know why it happened before you decide what to do.
Some women really can't control their hormones. Women claim they can so they can have some claim to be treated equally but really they can't. You can decide to be with one of those or not but they have less control than one might think, it just makes them less attractive too. You really might decide you can't start a family with that as if she can't handle hormones now, just wait till she is pregnant, post partum depressed or hasn't slept right for 6 months feeding a baby at night! Its all a question of degree. women are the weaker vessel. They can't control their emotions well but some are a lot worse than others.
Hormones plus negative life stuff can equal psycho bitch. Before you lay down the law, try to find out what motivated it. If you tell her off first, she may just double down on being pissed off and not discuss it honestly. If you know why she did it you know how serious it was.
redhawkes 2 1w ago
That's demotion for sure. Public freakout and you trying to calm her down..just look at her like she's retarded and part ways.
Even if she apologizes, it won't change anything. Apologizing is the biggest manipulation, watch what she does. Next time she acts shitty, she'll know an apology is gonna fix that.
Never reward shitty behavior, boundaries aren't drawn, they are enforced.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
I'm late to the party but read this and see if any of it resonates with you
Green-Tinted Glasses™