Hi mate,
To get to the point, I have been brought up with a very strong binary "Black & White" thinking that I applied unconsciously to every aspect of my life (relationships, work, conversations, interactions). Literally every aspect of my life.
A little background, 24 yo, father left me when I was 7 and been brought up by my ma since then (My ma had a lot of guys over and often 2-6 months relationships. My ma often told me negative points about my father and all the guys "who are just friends" - bullshit. I left home at 18 years old, moved 20 hours by car away to a major city in Australia. I currently work as a Nurse (1.5 years in the field).
For example, I deeply believe that 1 - smoking is bad, and every girl who smokes is bad 2 - drugs are bad and every girl who does is bad 3 - girls who have sex with many guys are bad 4 - all girls with tattoos and piercings (nipples, belly button etc) are hoes. 5 - getting drunk is bad
I know it is not necessarily the truth as I have never smoked or done drug or got drunk etc. I notice that I unconsciously project my beliefs and expectations onto other and if it is not fulfilled, I often removed myself from the situation. It gets to the point where girls ask what is wrong or stop being so petty with your cold texts.
As a result of this thinking, I miss out on a lot of opportunities.
I really believe that this black and white thinking was drilled into me from my ma when I was kid. But she often gets with those types of people.
I would really appreciate any perspective or guides that can help me work through this and essentially add a grey area between the black and white thinking.
mattyanon Admin 1mo ago
ok, here's the problem......it's not that you're wrong, but what does "bad" mean here?
Bad for marriage or bad for the mother of your children or bad for a one night stand? Or evil and wrong and should go to hell? All very very different things.
haha right..... so she's not being honest.
Suggestion: study your feelings and try to extract some nuance...... rather than good/bad..... try to see things as "good in this way, bad in this way, neutral in this other way".
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1mo ago
Ask yourself how much is black and white in real life. Not much. Most of everything in life is on a spectrum. Then it comes to preference, is something a dealbreaker or just a negative? Dealbreakers are black and white, negatives are just, meh i don't like it but i only wanted to fuck this chick anyway
Black and white thinking, as reinforced as it could be, is a choice
Some things in life are black and white: pregnant versus not pregnant, human or not human, etc. for most other things you can weigh out pros and cons and what you want and determine what purpose you want certain things for.
For example i tolerate some things in acquainces but not friends. For women i would tolerate pot smoker in a plate but not a girlfriend. It depends. Life is dynamic just treat life like it's dynamic. Most of life is an interconnected web of different factors, not mere binary components
EurasianChad 1 1mo ago
Good way of analyzing things
adam-l Moderator 1mo ago
This is the way.
It's not Black and White thinking per se that's problematic. For example, having strict rules when selecting for a wife is mandatory. Your problem might be that you don't have short term prospects, which are essential in giving you pleasure, and for which you can discount your strict rules. Who cares if a ONS has a tatoo? Not so for a wife. Etc.
EurasianChad 1 1mo ago
Just allow people to be who they wanna be. And you, be who YOU wanna be.
Who gives a fuck bro? For as long as it doesn't affect your safety, the safety of people you love & care for, or your $$$ and most importantly your PEACE OF MIND.
U die eventually. We all do.
Intrepid_Place53900 1mo ago
People are different and have different views, likes, dislikes,etc.
got to allow people to be what they want.
that said, like others have pointed out.
A girl who smokes can be a friend or whatever, she's not gonna be my plate. I hate the smell,etc.
A girl with lots of Tats, can be a plate, or FWB, but she's not gonna be a LTR probably, I'm going to doubt her being mentally stable.
A girl who has a High N count, can be a plate or FWB , but not gonna be a LTR, too many issues to probably deal with.
To me, many women will not be acceptable to spend any time with.
a good amount are fine to be a plate or FWB.
Very very few are going to meet my requirements for a LTR. Also, it will take a lot of time to vet a girl before I'd be willing to commit. She's got to prove it.
MrSupreme 1mo ago
While shaping your worldview you've become judgemental. Be more relaxed, be around different people's wether they're gay,doing drugs or full of tattoos, just get used to tolerating them and meeting them,instead of passing silent judgement and quietly going away. It would benefit your social skills and you learn about the world,cause you're missing out on meeting tons of different people even if you're not going to befriend them.
First-light 1mo ago
I think your ideas are pretty straight about good and bad but rather than say black and white, I would say lighter and darker.
You would be really, really unlikely to have a happy ever after life with a girl who smoked a lot, binge drank regularly, was covered in tattoos and piercings and had a high cock count. However that is adding all the darkest elements together. You might be able to tolerate one of these in an exceptional woman as a LTR, you might be able to tolerate a number of them to a small degree in a plate. A one night stand might be OK with all of them if you had blue balls and a few drinks inside you.
Your compass is orientated in the right direction but you may have to deal with some shades of grey.
idontdesireusername 1mo ago
your father left you => trauma => black and white thinking.
I know.. I have the same thinking :/
MFVORX 1mo ago
'Ello gub'ner,
Joking. I'm from nowhere near the Commonwealth.
I've also dealt with black and white thinking, also drilled into me by parents who wanted me to listen and not watch. Black and white thinking can absolutely be a benefit, but you've gotta be able to get it under some measure of control. Take a step back, and all the black and white turns to gray.
Do you know why you believe things are good or bad? And not just because your mother told you? I've personally found that if you can articulate why you believe something, it's a much stronger and more functional belief.
Really sit down and pick your own thoughts apart sometime. If you're gonna have core beliefs, as you should, figure out why they're your beliefs. Yours, not anyone else's. Yours.