I don’t have any friends at the moment. It’s my senior year in college and the last person I’d consider my friend was a guy I met through a previous friend who only wanted to hang out when I swiped him into the lunchroom. He hits me up a week ago and asks if I want to eat and I tell him if he can swipe himself in, sure. And now he’s suddenly not wanting to do anything anymore, even posting a pic on snapchat of him at the spot that I SHOWED HIM. WHERE WAS THE INVITE? Fuck him I guess.
Today I saw my coworker who recently transferred to my college in the gym and we exchange smiles and waves, caught her eyeing me a couple times as I was hitting some military press and I finished my workout and leave to the lunchroom. I see her there after the workout with her friend and say “well well well” and she says hi and I ask her how her workout was and she just says “good,” clearly not wanting to talk, didn’t ask me how mine was or even try to keep the convo going so I just went back to sit down. I feel like she thinks I’m a loser and that’s why she doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t even want to fuck her. She shit tests me at work and I pass them with flying colors. I just want to have a fucking conversation at this point, with someone who seems interested in talking to me. Is that too much to ask for???
I’m in a basketball club and am trying to get to know the guys there but barelyanyone seems interested in talking.
I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I have more of a connection with the cashiers of stores I shop at after I ask how their day is going than people I actually know and have vibed with before. I’m second guessing myself almost every day because of these experiences.
I’m thinking at this point I just stfu and let people come to me, because this shit ain’t working fam
financehardo420 Should i (x1) 1y ago
it’s part of being a dude brah.
don’t get your panties in a wad over it. match people’s energy. don’t try talkin to chicks or dudes that are clearly disinterested or you’ll get “my workout was good.” Type responses from people.
“if you can swipe your own card” was also a bit cuntish on your part.
social cues man. read up on like idk emotional IQ
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
Going to have to agree to disagree here. Dude treated me like shit. I went to a store with him and showed him this cool shirt I was going to buy and he said “you’re supposed to thrift shirts” just telling me I’m supposed to do, just say it’s dope! Jesus Christ! I was driving us back and turned on my lights and the brights were on and he says “why do you have your brights on?” like bro is just s dickhead. Feels like he has no respect for me. Recently realized how little I value my time with him because he does shit like this to me.
Wouldn’t that be matching his energy?
financehardo420 Should i (x1) 1y ago
“Sorry I’m not a fuckin poor buddy boy” is what I would have replied lmfao.
“Cause I fuckin feel like it shitstick”
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
Ok I see what you mean now.
I’m not paying for his fucking food anymore though
Anbessa 1y ago
Can you tell us more about your personality, values, strengths, and weaknesses?
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
Not really sure how to answer this but I got INTJ as my personality type. I value authenticity, working hard, knowing when to not take life seriously, enjoying the little things… Strengths I’d say I’m decent at reading people, if I really want something from someone I can be extremely charming but if I feel like there’s nothing to gain I probably won’t give a shit.
Weaknesses I blame myself a lot, especially after I fail, very self critical, not the best with eye contact but am working on it, as well as being comfortable being by myself in crowded places. Feel like everyone’s judging/ looking at me
Anbessa 1y ago
Okay so here’s some advice that helped me a lot in my life. These are some of the things that I learned from reading, experience and trial and error.
Life is acting. You heard me right, life is acting. You can't just “be yourself” and expect people to like you. People don't like rational people, they like fun people. They don't want to hear your real shit, they want to hear your cool shit. So you have to craft your personality and make it interesting and attractive. Use your rational side to create your personal values, but use your fun side to express them. Don't be boring, be awesome.
Smile when meeting people. This is very important, but you have to do it the right way. You have to smile with confidence and charisma (not a fake insecure smile). You have to smile with your eyes and your mouth. You have to smile like you mean it. Practice your smile in the mirror and make it natural. A smile is a powerful tool to make a good first impression and show that you are friendly and approachable. It also makes you more attractive and likable. Trust me, a smile can open many doors for you.
Never talk shit about people behind their back. This is a big no-no. People will hate you if you do this, because they will think you will do the same to them. Especially when you first meet someone, never gossip or badmouth anyone. Gossiping is a sign of insecurity and low self-esteem. It shows that you have nothing better to talk about than other people's flaws and failures. It also makes you look like a snake and a backstabber. People will not trust you or respect you if you talk shit about others. Instead, talk about positive things and compliment people sincerely. That's how you build rapport and loyalty.
Match people's energy. This is a skill that you have to develop over time. You have to be able to read the room and adjust your tone, volume, and pace accordingly. You don't want to be too loud or too quiet, too fast or too slow, too serious or too goofy. You want to be in sync with the people you are talking to and make them feel comfortable and engaged. You also want to be able to switch gears and change the mood when needed. For example, if you are talking to a girl and you want to escalate, you have to lower your voice, slow down your speech, and make more eye contact. That's how you create tension and attraction.
These are my two cents, bro. I hope you find them useful and apply them to your life. Let me know what you think and if you have any questions.
Intrepid_Place53900 1 1y ago
excellent advice
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
I love you… thank you for this. I’m screenshotting it and putting it on my mirror
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Unless your face is deformed or your breath smells like fresh ass, it is YOUR BEHAVIORS AND MANNERISMS that are driving people away
It is NOT hard to make friends as a normal, regular dude. 100% hands down doing something socially and behaviorally to turn people away. Short of telling us what you do or seeing how you act, only you could figure out the answer
ogrilla99 1y ago
So wait, you're saying my breath should smell like stale ass, and I'll be swimming in pussy? Gonna try this tonight!
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Dude that's like the first reading in the sidebar
Pk wrote it
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
The only thing I can think of is desperation. I’m in a needy place right now, no friends, no girls, no life. I’m doing more things I enjoy by myself like art museums, nature walks, etc. Maybe lack of eye contact/confidence
I really don’t know man
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
No one wants desperate low value friends
Do you have hobbies? Are good at your hobbies? Are you funny? Are you rude? Are you way too available? Do you have anything remotely interesting to say? Do you have anything of value to offer people? Are you yourself good company or just seeking validation from them? Are you way too nice to the point it's fake/low value? Are you sad I'm their presence? Did you have shit body language (slouching/looking defeated)?
It's 100% you and how you carry yourself man. There's nothing wrong with YOU, there is something wrong with how you act/socialize
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
I have hobbies, I won a talent show with one of them. I can be funny when I want to be. I wouldn’t say I’m rude, rarely I am. I am definitely way too available. I’m decently smart and can contribute to a conversation if I know a little bit about it. I like to think I offer good company and a carefree attitude, easy to be around. I do think I’m looking at people for validation though. I am pretty nice, working on finding a more outgoing balance. Sometimes can be sad in their presence. I think I slouch and have a victim mentality.
Would it be a reasonable goal to emulate someone I want to be like? Maybe Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love?
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
No it's fake as fuck.
Behave in a manner that is conductive to being likable. I doubt half of what you said about yourself is accurate if you have these problems. Start monitoring when things don't go well in your interactions
ogrilla99 1y ago
Here's an article that I think might help you: https://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person
tldr: What do you do for people? Can you make them laugh? Can you commiserate with them when they're sad? Do you in some way, small or large, make their life better in the time they spend with you? That's the only thing that matters.
"Easy to be around" doesn't really cut it. I'm not even sure what it means. You listen intently to their sob stories and don't yell at them in response? Congratulations, you're maybe as good as a goldfish. You need to be better.
If you're good at your hobbies, find other people in those hobbies. At the very least, you can help them get better at it, and that's something of value that can lead to friendships. If you think everyone in your hobby is a loser and you what you really want to do is crack the cool kids' club, then you'll have to develop something that is of value to those cool kids. It's a harsh reality, but OTOH, you're looking for the same (friendships that can improve your life and cure your loneliness), so you can't really criticize everyone else having needs too.
Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love is a fictional character. Not even Ryan Gosling looks like that (it's called makeup, editing, and photoshop). And even the most successful pickup artists out there don't have the success rates that that movie implies Gosling has (PUA experts still get shot down anywhere from 50-90% of the time; they make up for it with volume of approaches).
Hell, even the Steve Carrell character in that movie is unrealistic to aim for. He goes through a 5 minute training montage and goes from boring schlumpy Dad who hasn't been in the dating market ever (married his high school sweetheart) to smooth ladykiller. In reality, it takes at least a year if not more to change your life so drastically. He sweats a couple of times in the gym and all of a sudden he's more buff? Yeah right. Those are the same idiots who say things like "I don't want to get too big by lifting" as if putting on muscle is so easy, you might do it by accident if you're not careful. Here's another great article from the same writer about this particular lie (i.e. the training montage) that movies tell: https://www.cracked.com/article_18544_how-the-karate-kid-ruined-modern-world.html
This is not to say that you shouldn't set your sights on improving. You absolutely have to. But if your goal is to be Ryan Gosling's character, and you expect to get there in a few months by reading a few PUA guides on the internet and watching Crazy Stupid Love 100 times, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment and failure. Set realistic goals, work your ass off to achieve them, then set another set of goals, and keep going. That's the only way to really change your life.
EurasianChad 1 1y ago
I didn't read the whole thing but you clearly seek external validation And approval to see how valuable you are. Seek internal validation instead.
As for your coworker, there could be so much going on. Maybe a guy she likes is in the area and doesn't want him to get the wrong idea, maybe her best friend in the office hates you and doesn't wanna see u being buddy-buddy together, maybe an officemate told her you're a chode and doesn't wanna be seen with you, maybe you're just unattractive in behavior.
WHO FUCKING KNOWS. WHO CARES.
Work on yourself and become the greatest version of you and stop tryna get female approval to give you self esteem. That kind of self esteem is predicated upon other people's reactions to you & is therefore an unstable foundation.
Do things for yourself, have principles and stick to them no matter what. You'll see how fast you build self respect, and in turn, how other people will respect you, or you simply leave/they leave.
The funniest part is, by the time you get to this point, you won't even give a shit if people like you or not. You only give a shit if YOU LIKE YOU.
So let me ask you this.
Do you even like you?
EurasianChad 1 1y ago
Practical advice:
Set lifting goals and hit them. Meditate 10 minutes daily to ground yourself to your internal core. Read & be curious about the world so you know the rules of this game & how you can play to win. Seek genuine connection with like minded men instead of superficial friendship based on fake social pleasantries. Have a mission & a plan for your life & fucking send it.