I just realized that I’ve spent most of my life asking questions and letting people do most of the talking. Every time I have a conversation with someone I feel super awkward and I don’t know how to keep a conversation flowing.
I’m a decent looking dude and I feel like there’s more pressure on me to be outgoing and I want to nip this in the bud before it’s too late.
I feel like I never have anything interesting to talk about and frequently respond to long answers to my questions either with more questions or a short “that’s awesome.” How do I have interesting conversations with people?
chadinthemaking69 1y ago Stickied
At this point I’ll do fucking anything. I’m tired of this shit. Feeling like a social outcast who can’t even talk to guys, let alone girls.
I know part of this is because I don’t go out much, scratch that, at all. Every night I’m in my room watching TV. I talk to maybe 2 new people a week and it’s always very surface level conversation. Every time someone asks me something about myself I tend to respond with short answers because I expect them to carry the conversation. I don’t know how.
Crazy to think a couple years ago I could do this shit and now I’m a neurotic mess who overthinks every social situation.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Before I even answer, do you have friends?
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
I have a few but I wouldn’t consider them close.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Do you regularly text them or hang out with them?
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
I don’t regularly text them or call them. I usually wait until they call me. I have started taking the initiative more often but that isn’t very often as I don’t go out much.
With them is the same problem I see myself having and it’s not being able to hold a conversation. I can tell it gets awkward a lot.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
First of all, you have very little social engagement.
That's your #1 problem here
How do you expyti develop social abilities with almost no meaningful social practice?
This is like saying why am I not good at guitar when you occasionally play smoke on the water and then give up
financehardo420 Should i (x1) 1y ago
Smooooooooke on the waaaaater there’s fire in the sky
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Doot. Doot. Dooot.
Doot. Doot. DootDoooot
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
I do realize this. I’ve been making an effort to stay out of my house as long as possible, do work in coffee shops, order in person more, etc.
You’re right. I won’t give up that’s for sure. I’m just frustrated.
There’s a cute girl in my lab class getting visibly disappointed that I’m not talking to her but I convince myself that my social skills aren’t there yet. “If I fuck this up it’s going to be an awkward year for me.”
Guys will invite me to dinners and I won’t say a word because I don’t know how to contribute. Sometimes I get a decent joke and some laughs but most of the time I’m stone cold silent.
I will fucking get there. I will get out of this slump. But fuck if it isn’t affecting me in every way but good.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Let me make you a good response tomorrow
As an autist i have a more in depth answer how I learned to socialize very well
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
Looking forward to it. There’s no fucking way you have autism
[deleted] 1y ago
[--removed--]
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
I am definitely on the spectrum it still affects me a lot but not REMOTELY as much as it used to
Ironically the same autism spectrum traits I had helped me over-learn a lot of social rules and skills
My comment to you turned into a full ass TheRedPill post so I'll try to get it tonight or tomorrow, it's 80% written so far
nicknack 1y ago
Dale Carnegie’s “How to make friends and influence people “
Problematic_Browser 1 1y ago
I'm gonna let you in on a secret, one that you have experience in. You said:
You know what people love to talk about the most?
THEMSELVES.
If you give people the opportunity to talk about themselves and you act interested, you'll make plenty of "friends".
EurasianChad 1 1y ago
yeah thats true but you also have to ask engaging questions to make this work in your favor. Also why would you want to be 1 trick pony. Best to be able to listen attentively, ask interesting questions, make funny remarks, and talk like you got the million dollar mouthpiece.
EurasianChad 1 1y ago
You're overthinking convos.
2 solutions, 1 long term 1 short term. Use both to become the Chad you're meant to be.
Short term:
U can keep asking questions, just make sure when you do, make it interesting or funny. Ex. Girl: I work in India. You: Oh isn't that where they have forced weddings? Have u been forced into one (curious look with slight smile)
Ex. Girl: I'm into singing songs. You: Oh so thats how you hit on guys huh, singing songs. U do britney spears or rhianna? You look more like a rhianna (or whatever u wanna add).
Lastly. More disqualification. This playfully teases the interaction and makes it more funny Ex. Her: I work in india You: Oh damn really? Okay well I just wanted to say it was nice to meet you. I swear its not you, its me ;) (while slightly turning away and smiling so she knows ur fucking around).
Try these and it'll work in the short term.
Long term:
Meditate. 10 minutes a day at start, then hit 20. Meditation will quiet your mind and thoughts, making you very present. You will easily detach from the outcome you desire. Remember, seduction for high status men is: desire without attachment. You want her, but you're fine too without her. You won't even care or overthink if you're being boring, and you'll notice more observations that you can bring up.
If you have social anxiety, meditation will help you cure it.
You also have to expose yourself more. Go on walks around your town and nod and smile at some people you see. Say hi, good evening, whatever. Socially unfuck yourself. It doesn't have to turn into a convo, but if you can get to a point where you no longer use pre-remembered lines like "hey how u doing?" and INSTEAD go into more observational phrases "cute dog! (while pointing at dog)", you can go into conversation with them. Socially calibrate brotha u got htis.
CHAD OUT
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
I have got to say this worked beautifully. Had a great conversation today, asked a bunch of interesting questions. I got this shit. Great fucking day. Now for women
EurasianChad 1 1y ago
Of course it works bro, its what I've been doing naturally since forever :P Just don't be afraid to be too lose the girl or the person, don't afraid to be a little offensive or controversial. Don't be afraid to be polarizing, but obviously dont try to be an asshole just for being an asshole sake.
I'm naturally a debating type of person (ENTP by Myerrs briggs), so I sometimes cause arguments when really I'm just trying to figure out the truth. If you genuinely offend someone then you can apologize, but never apologize if you did nothing wrong. Good luck!
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
Do you TRY ?
What interests you?
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
I genuinely tried today and it was all in my head. As it always is. Absolutely fantastic fucking day I hit the gym hard and smashed some goals, had a conversation right after and it was smooth as butter.
I like basketball, coding, music, philosophy, psychology, and pussy. Also hiking and camping (not that you care)
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
Why would you add this on the end? No seriously, why? I asked what interests you so that I can help you converse better, and you put this on the end. This suggests that you think others are not interested in what you care about, or are not interested in you. And this might be part of your problem.
Well, let's forget pussy as a conversation starter. Basketball and coding are niche. Music and psychology interest most people to some degree, although psychology can make people self conscious. Music can be good if you can establish interest in a particular aspect.
Hiking/camping are pretty good if the other person is interested, as that can lead to fun stories and potential future adventures.
What happens when you talk about these things with people who share that interest?
This suggests that you can have a fun convo when you're in a good mood, or energetic, or feeling positive about yourself.
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
I guess that is how I feel. I don’t think people care about me unless I am funny, or cool to be around, or get lots of bitches, or have a cool talent, or can converse well, or am interested in them, etc.
I’m pretty good at letting people talk about themselves, but when it comes to me I always feel like no one gives a shit. I’ve had a few conversations this week with some people I’d consider friends and when I started talking about myself they just sat there in silence after I finished, no follow up question or anything. I was talking about a basketball practice I went to and how I got my ass kicked by a bunch of old people and he just gave me a blank stare so I left to go eat because it seemed like he wasn’t interested. He had nothing else to do he was just chilling on a bench.
Another instance where this happened was with a closer friend and I was talking about my experiences with music and psychedelics and he started talking about something completely different relating to himself.
I’ve had many of these experiences and it’s been engrained in my head that everyone only seems to care about themselves, so I just ask people about themselves.
I can’t say every conversation has been like that. Sometimes I’ll go back and forth in sharing experiences but it has to be the right person. Some people care, some don’t give a shit, including my friends.
I went on a hiking trip with my college and it was a cool time. I talked to the “leader” and we had a great conversation about mountains we like to hike and she gave me some cool recommendations and I gave her some back.
Usually goes well.
100% if I’m in a good mood I feel like I can do anything. I have to get my shit done for the day for this to happen though, otherwise I’m stuck thinking about the shit I should be doing. When this happens I’m not thinking about all the bullshit I’m usually thinking about and I’m in the present moment, completely immersed. If I were to start cold approaching it would be in this state and I’m confident that it would go very well.
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
Yeah, ok...... I get where you're coming from I think. I often feel the same, although I stop caring if other people are interested when I'm drunk, and it generally goes better.
It sounds like he wasn't interested. I'm not sure he's so great a friend.
Yeah... people do this sadly.... sometimes it means they're wrapped up so much in themselves they can't think about anything else.... often it means they aren't a great friend.
Here's the problem with that thinking: you end up with selfish people around you. Doing the "talk about other people because that's what they want to talk about" sadly puts you at the bottom of the social ladder. Sure people love to talk about themselves, but they don't respect YOU for letting them do it.
And those conversations are usually without value to anyone. It doesn't go anywhere, it doesn't get you anything, and it gets them extremely little.
I'd advise you to find give-and-take conversations and give-and-take people. It's much much harder to find than submitting/listening to people, but it ultimately is where you need to be.
Right. This is what you want.
Sounds good.
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
Ok one more question (I typically need examples).
For give and take conversations this can be “I relate to this, here is my experience” and the other person goes “no way, that reminds me of when I did this, here is my experience” and/or talking about common interests, say music. I give my perspective (I like hip hop) and some cool ideas (the way hip hop is made is by sampling), the other person gives their perspective, bonding occurs. This is how I imagine it. Is this correct?
Or a simpler question is basically find people like my “friends” except they actually ask questions back?
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
That's a bit clumsy.... but yeah, you're both talking about stuff that you both are interested in.
That's one way.
Most people don't ask questions back....... the best conversations have people both talking in statements, very very few questions.
Ok, imagine what you do now....... asking questions...... but instead of asking a question, you talk about yourself in a way that triggers them to do the same.
Instead of "How do you feel about X thing", you say "I did X thing today at ...." and they talk about your stuff and they talk about theirs and you both talk and both listen to each other.
financehardo420 Should i (x1) 1y ago
Your first mistake is always staying in to Watch tv instead of going out. Depriving yourself of socialization will have these effects
User4566 1y ago
You ever seen chicken run?
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Here you go:
How to Converse
Thanks for giving me encouragement to finally make this. It's been on my to do list and I really appreciated the appreciation
chadinthemaking69 1y ago
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I’m sure I’m not the only one with this problem
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
You're welcome man!
I have seen this asked a ton. Had no idea the reception would be so strong!