Hey guys,
So I need some opinions from other people than my nearest circle for my situation:
So my LTR is going downhill these last 10-12 weeks because I’ve gotten worse over time and I think the attraction and desire from my girl is getting less. Has not said i love you for like 10 weeks. (We do live together for around 2 years and are together for 3)
We still occasionally had sex etc.
Started to work more on myself then and the last 2 weeks it got a lot better. Started to really get a grip on shit tests etc.
So for these 12 weeks my gf started to complain about my alcohol problem. I do occasionally drink but I’m not an everyday drinker. The problem is that when I drink I get way too drunk. So kind of got a problematic way of consuming alcohol and I gotta admit that.
I do accept this and that’s why I said I’m going to stop it.
Then last Saturday came and I went to a Bachelors party and did drink again, eventhough I said I do not.
Just wanted to avoid the stress, but well she found out because she saw me and I also did not come home and stayed at a hotel with all the others from the party and did not say a thing.
Came home next morning and she said she is going to leave. She packed some of her stuff and went to her parents. No contact for around 24 hrs. Wrote her a message where I said I know what I did was wrong and I’m taking full responsibility and will do my best in the future to fully fix this problem.
She said she needs some time and will get back to me.
Think we will have a talk in maybe like 2-3 days.
What do y’all think of this situation? What would you do? What can I do to make the situation better and fix it to the way that I can build up on my momentum and better myself and get back my attraction?
Thank you in advance.
Problematic_Browser 1 1y ago Stickied
I don't say this too often but I'm gonna say it:
She's 100% right. And you have a drinking problem.
People think that people with drinking problems drink every day or are on skid row. No. People with drinking problems can't control how much they drink. People with drinking problems lie about their drinking. People with drinking problems make choices that put the alcohol above their relationships with others and even themselves.
I need you to stop worrying about this stupid shit of getting attraction back and start worrying about the real problem here - your drinking problem and being in denial about it. Get help now before you're in a position where you're forced to get help.
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
redpillschool Admin 1y ago
Good answer. Thanks
Cyberrr 1y ago
I do not deny it. I have a history in my family of my father drinking everyday so I always thought that’s real alcoholism. But you’re 100% right.
I was already looking for help and have appointments with a counselor regarding my substance abuse and mental health.
But I do still care about my relationship and I don’t want to loose it. I did fuck up, so any advice for me in regards to my LTR is highly appreciated.
I already told her by message that I do take responsibility for what I did and I know that I need to change this.
RedPirate751 1y ago
Bro this is the advice for your relationship. You have a drinking problem. You lied to her about drinking, and it hurt your relationship. Saying that you will fix it and actually fixing it are two dramatically different things.
The advice is simple. Take action on the issue. Quit talking about it and do something. Get rid of the alcohol in your living space. Call the helpline.
Take action.
AurelianWay 1y ago
Are you self medicating for other reasons as well? Hitting the gym and AA is a good start. If you have some past trauma and the drunken binges are helping you cope then you need to recognize and deal with that as well or else you will find an another addictive outlet to abuse, i.e. smoking. Does your girlfriend drink as well, does she drink when you are around?
I find her no contact and staying with her parents kind of weird. This is an LTR of three years and she really seemed to jump ship very quickly. Plus all the shit tests she threw your way. It's like she has already checked out of the relationship and it is possible that she is already planning a branch swing to a new guy. She doesn't sound like a supportive partner. For most women arousal is directly linked to the respect she has for her man. If she has lost respect for you then it will be difficult to get it back even if you were 5 years stone cold sober.
I wish you luck dude, I grew up with alcoholic parents and even though I am a life long tee totaler my brother unfortunately is very similar to you in that he is a social drinker on weekends that doesn't know when to stop after one drink.
Cyberrr 1y ago
Thanks for your answer brother. I really do appreciate it.
Well, I actually think I know why I do self medicate. I have like a 6-7/10 social anxiety and alcohol helps to cover that.
It seems to look like a quick ship jump but I’ll promised it before to reduce it and could not overall keep it up. But I wasn’t aware that what I was doing was sooo wrong. At least I wasn’t honest to myself, did probably know it.
The No contact thing was a weird one. I did not contact her for 24 hours after she got out but she told my mom she was surprised I didn’t write her or say anything against her going to her parents.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Just go a few AA meetings and tell her. "I have AA at 6PM so can't meet up until after" or whatever. But in all honesty she left and you need to be prepared to move on. I'd suggest a new drug called dopamine. Pick up a combat sport or extreme sport and stick with it.
Cyberrr 1y ago
Thanks dude. Yes I need to be prepared for it.
Was already looking for MMA but there’s nothing near my place.
But thanks for taking the time!
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Just pick whatever is close and go from there. Any combat sport is adequate: boxing, kickboxing, karate, BJJ, etc. Heck I do biking and frisbee golf because it's free and nearby. I want to try "tanking" since we have a big river nearby.
Intrepid_Place53900 1 1y ago
not sure you can resolve this and it shouldn't be your top priority.
stop drinking. Get in shape, lift weights.
When you say you are going to do/or not do something, follow through.
Its a RP teaching, others have said it on here, it's not worth trying to fix something up with a girl, it's better to move on to a new girl. That may be true here, don't know your whole story.
I'd plan on her being gone, get your finances in shape, lease/rent issues,etc. Hopefully you haven't co-mingled finances and purchasing. I preach against doing so , for these type of reasons.
Get yourself in shape, for you.
If she wants to give you another chance, you figure it out if it's worth it. Maybe you wanted to move on and couldn't admit it?
But, clean yourself up for you.
Cyberrr 1y ago
Thanks dude appreciate the answer. I really have do this for me, yes.
I’m already lifting since I’m 15. I’m 24 now and lifting is a big part of my day to day life. Current stats are 192cm which is around 6 ft 3 I think and I weigh 100kg at ca. 13-14% bodyfat.
Would suck if I would have to end the LTR as I do not want it to end. Im also running a side business so my finances are getting better each week and each month.
Besides that, yes I made the mistake of completely splitting up every piece of furniture into 50/50.
Intrepid_Place53900 1 1y ago
so, physically in good shape.
Now, stop the booze.
Finances, getting better, keep it going.
Lease/rent?
furniture, if you split, you'll have to figure it out. First thing is who stay's in your current place? Someone will have to pay off the other or you split it up between yourselves. Cost money to move it, keep that in mind. Me, I'd tell her to keep the place, keep the stuff, pay me half and you are gone.
Of course, I don't know your lease deal, etc.
Cyberrr 1y ago
We are renting and it’s a pretty big apartment with around 100 sqm.
Will probably make no sense to stay here for me as it’s way to big for a single person. Will probably split some stuff up and throw some things away I think.
Could probably be out in a relatively short time frame and would not have to pay anything too long.
I’ll guess I have to figure that out.
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
Things go downhill fast in year 3 or 4 I've generally found.
OCCASIONALLY.
fix that shit
No, this is unacceptable. If this made her leave then so be it.
unacceptable
Find a new girl, this is unacceptable behaviour in a girlfriend. This is fine in a fuckbuddy, this is not a girl you can ever fully trust or live with again.
NEXT.
Cyberrr 1y ago
Thanks for you answer. I appreciate it.
For me personally it sounds a little harsh. But you maybe right.
I don’t know tbh.
coolsocks00 1 1y ago
Dealing with your shit competently also happens to be perhaps the most attractive thing you can do in a relationship. So by tackling your issues for your own sake you will also become more attractive.
It's vital that she sees you're not doing this for her. Do not supplicate, do not even apologise to her. You should apologise to yourself, accept your situation, and work to stop drinking.
When you have a plan and set your mind to it, you can start to rebuild a frame where you're in the leader seat again.
Cyberrr 1y ago
Thanks dude. Yeah she also said that she wanted me to do this for me and not for her.
I already apologized because I’m aware that lying was wrong.
What do you mean with not supplicate?
I will probably have a talk when she writes me in like 2-3 days.
Hope you have some additional advice :)
Cyberrr 1y ago
I also not quite get how it’s possible to show that I’m not doing it for her.
Cyberrr 1y ago
I was thinking of having a talk not apologizing any further not talking much. Just saying it’s going to change and she can take it or leave it there.
And then I’m going to change it.
[deleted] 1y ago
[--removed--]