Been seeing this girl for 4 months, and we're in a relationship. She has 1 long term male friend from her hometown she's told me a bit about.
They don't meet very often, and have been planning on getting together for a while. He is now coming over and staying at her place over the weekend.
This was all set in motion before we were in a relationship and i never really had a chance to do anyhing about it, and she is now very excited that I'm meeting her "long term friend". She also made sure im aware that he's sleeping on the couch.
I'm not quite sure what to make of this, on one hand he seems like a beta orbiter and that I shouldn't worry. On the other I really don't like random dudes spending the weekend at her place.
So far she's done everything to please me and would probably have a breakdown if she thought she did something i didnt like. I'm pretty sure she just doesn't realize that this might be crossing a boundary.
What is the best approach to this, please share your opinion.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Oh and make sure he hears you railing her while he's staying there ;).
NukaCola 1y ago
Dude don't be a cuck. Tell her that you will break up with her if that motherfucker puts one foot into her house.
Women that respect men and look up to them would not even consider this idea or at the worst would ask for your approval before making a decision. Long term friend is code for FWB/Occasional dick.
All women that respect a man, SPECIALLY when in a commitment with him, block/unfollow/cut ties with all the exes/fwbs before him.
This is really so obvious man, you know what to do. Never allow your sexual needs to be dependent on one woman, even in a 40yr LTR. Always have backup(s). Read the God damn sidebar, what the actual fuck.
Deplorable how you westerners have fallen to this bullshit conditioning.
EDIT: This is incredible man. Reading through 70% of these comments and I cannot fucking believe this shit. How can you advise with "let him come if this was set up before the relationship? By this logic, he should let all the exes gangbang her because they fucked her before he fucked her.
Very few ppl here bother to read Rollo, Rian or Rich, let alone the sidebar. You guys are a lost cause
[deleted] 1y ago
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br0r69 1y ago
Yes, I have a sneaking suspicion that this may be the case for him.
I get the sense that to her he's deep in the brotherzone but she doesn't realize that to me he's just an unknown guy. Should I really leave if she doesn't realize what she's doing isn't OK?
delesseyM 1y ago
You should call her out on her bullshit.
I used to have sex with a girl like that and I've never considered her my friend tho.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
"I understand that these plans were already set in motion but we've since gotten more serious and I am not comfortable with the optics of a one-one-one overnight with a male friend even with context"
If she gets upset, say "it's really not something I'm comfortable with, I'm letting you know my boundaries, I would not let a female friend stay with me in a relationship either "
If she can't be reasoned with this is probably going to be a pattern to come. You can either suggest a workaround like you also staying with her at night or he can get an air bnb or hotel or something
I don't believe in going nuclear in relationship scenarios but at the same time I don't believe in letting shit like this slide either
This dude could literally dry up her pussy like the Sahara desert and be in a permanent friend zone to her. This guy could be the antithesis of sexual appeal, but I think the optics would bother you if you keep seeing her. You'll wonder what happened.
Any time you have a fight or she mentions something stupid about him or some guy it'll cross your mind down the road what happened that weekend. You'll start connecting dots that were never there. It'll be a mind fuck you'll always wonder about
Meet him and be cordial about it so you can vibe check him, but I don't think being an alpha Chad supreme and trying to control her friend life will help you either. A lot of guys seem to think decimating her friend circle is alpha but you need to do this in a socially intelligent manner and come across as fair but having reasonable boundaries
If she can't respect it in the end, it's a poor vet and you have my condolences for being with a woman that can't do basic courtesy in a relationship context
TheAurora 1y ago
This is a good answer. Cutting her off immediately over this is weak and gay. Dude could be some soyjack and if you play it cool she'll respect it. She'd be much more secretive if fucking was involved.
Pfizer 1y ago
Id say she should be coming up with it. If she didnt because of general insensitivity, the chance is she will have a pattern of not giving a shit to accomodate relationship.
If she was conscious then best chances by me are: it was nuclear test (almost or rightout), or she was hoping to.spend with him some time to.catch up without you around and was counting on.you not to mingle. Otherwise WTF would they do couple of hour alone, more if not sleeping.
BTW all this assumes she is honest about being friends only. Not FWB, ex, prospect etc.
If she shit tested you I think youre done already, almost no matter how did you handle. Its about her not you.
Also I cant see why would getting an airbnb etc.would be a problem 6h prior, at least asking him about checking out. It just sends the messgae: making little trouble to him is more important than relationship.
(Causing little inconvenience to beta is more important than my man), how does it sound.
Is he beta and you are even lesser beta, or is he alpha fucks and well you are the second one in a queue.
@br0r69
br0r69 1y ago
A well thought out reply, thank you.
This is what I should have done, but it's now too late to cancel since he's coming this evening.
I will be going out with them and said I'm crashing at her place.
I'm considering putting down a boundary once he has left telling her not to do this again.
Typo-MAGAshiv 2 1y ago
@Vermillion-Rx nailed it.
This situation is more common than you think:
https://youtu.be/9aofoBrFNdg
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Appreciate it @Typo-MAGAshiv
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
You're welcome man
Smart. At least you still saved that. Now you now what is happening there.
Probably best. I don't see a net positive of saying it while he's there. Unnecessary drama, she'll blame you for her mood fluctuation and bad time over it.
Let her know in the future for sure. This is unacceptable to continue doing without making reasonable accommodations to respect you.
Just be socially intelligent about it. No alpha bravado plate game when doing it
br0r69 1y ago
Yes, this does seem like the best course of action.
I'll just have a talk with her afterwards that I had a great time with her friend, but now that we're serious I'm not comfortable with her having random men stay over.
I'll mention that she's free to do as she likes, but that's my line.
Many thanks friendo.
Bulba 1y ago
First you say you’re on the verge of a relationship, two paragraphs later you say you’re in a relationship. You need to make up your mind.
br0r69 1y ago
That's fair, my bad. We're in a relationship.
Positive-Lifeguard80 1y ago
She doesn't see you as a relationship, otherwise she would have made it official months ago.
You mean her boyfriend backup, if you bail or she decides to branch.
But the core problem is something else: You don't have girl abundance, but she has men abundance and uses it to her full advantage.
Her SMV is high and your SMV is low. It looks completely different if you were on par. For example if a girl I "see" sees another guy, she's gone (soft next). I'm not involved in such a play at all. But I'm not in a "relationship" or "maybe-relationship" and I don't care for being in one.
br0r69 1y ago
Fair take.
Her SMV isn't higher than mine though, this is the only guy she knows and she has complained that she barely has any friends compared to me.
You're right though that I should keep my options. Sometimes it's easy to forget to stay hungry.
Positive-Lifeguard80 1y ago
You mean the only guy YOU know of now. How many chicks do you have in line?
Probably half that much.
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
It's probably fine.
dongking 1y ago
Well the issue seems to be you haven't vetted this girl enough and made your boundaries clear before LTR'ing.
A simple "My girl does not have male friends" is enough. If she crosses that line after you've said so, you simply bounce and start fucking other girls.
Make sure to punish-fuck your girl so her "friend" hears it when he's on the sofa. Just pound the shit out of her. All weekend. Let's see how much of a friend he really is.
Pfizer 1y ago
That's a good shit test actually.
It wouldn't bother him if he just wants to pump later but that would bring some reaction out of her.
Peter_Henderson 1y ago
If this is 100% true, then let it pass. The fact she set this up before being in a relationship with you is a HUGE detail and it completely changes the scenario (in her favor).
Just let the dude come over to her place for a weekend since this was a decision made before you were seeing her.
dongking 1y ago
I disagree. In the guys mind this is a date/opportunity to fuck. If a girl enters a LTR she has to fend off shit like that on her own. Doesn't matter when it was booked.
There are no male friends. Women are aware of this too.