I sent my condolensces. Im just wondering how to let her know im there for her beyond just words, without seeming too beta.
I told her to let me know if she needs anything. At what point do I lead the situation and set something up so we can hang out and i can provide comfort...? Or do I just let her "request" my comfort?? Im just not sure because some people process grief differently, some need others and some need space for a few days..?
I feel like "sorry for your loss, let me know if you need anything" is super cliche, but its all you can say. For some background she doesnt live near family, she is about 6 hours away, and I have not met her mom or dad, due to it being a relatively new relationship (4 months) and the distance thing.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Bro, her mom died. Why are you concerned with looking beta when comforting her? It's not like someone you know died and you have to avoid looking needy as fuck to her.
I was going to say to just be a rock for her in person but you have a long distance thing going on. Just find a great time to call her, check in on her, and just let her talk and express herself. Give the vibe that you're a rock she can weather the storm against and don't become a blubbering baby getting all emotional for her.
Give that vibe and then let her know you're there for her. Let her come to you when she needs it mostly or you'll come across as babying her. Check in from time to time but let her grieve and process without yourself looking needy trying to fix her pain.
Honestly you're in a tricky spot of being able to confort her because of physical distance. My advice would be substantially different if you were nearby.
If you're determined to make a long distance relationship work (which TRP strongly advises against) then make a time to visit her. Making at least one trip to see her during this time is probably called for
Wishing you and her the best
gr8bollos 1y ago
We arent long distance, but yeah. I still think its possible to over-do things. Girls can be judgmental during the most difficult and weird times that us men would find bizarre.
As for the "trying to fix her pain" "dont baby her" thats what i meant by not being too beta.
I am nearby but at work, what do i do differently..? We are together, she is away long distance from her fam. She appreciates my condoloscenses, but i feel like i should do something more still, and as you said without babying her
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Wait, just to be clear, she is long distance from her family? She lives near you?
gr8bollos 1y ago
She is long distance from her family, me and her live in the same city. I have not met her mom or dad yet. She is not able to be with her family in this immediate moment, she lives a plane ride away. She is in college alone living away from fam, who she should be spending time with. She received the bad news this morning.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Oh, that is drastically different than what I read your post as.
Advice about what vibe to give us still the same. But hang out with her per usual. It's completely fine to hold her more often, provide more comforting touches, hugs, just do some activities she really likes to do to take her mind off it.
You should still lead in this situation but understand that she'll probably lead a good amount of what she wants to do and what she wants to express.
Be a rock. She might be a bit withdrawn during this period or on the other end of the spectrum, clingy.
Just be solid. Don't text your condolences so much, show your condolences, just as long as it's not pity or coming across as though you comforting her is validation for you as a partner
whytehorse2021 1y ago
The death of a loved one is the most stressful life event. Showing support and love can help. There's a lot to be done with funeral arrangements, wakes, death certs, insurance, banks, etc. So she's going to be busy helping the other survivors. Some people put their own grieving on hold to get through it and it can take a long time to move on. There are therapists specially trained to handle this. You might offer her to get her one.
gr8bollos 1y ago
She is only 22, so I imagine her dad will be dealing with this. What can I do besides letting her know im there for her, i feel like thats the same reply i would give to a friend (but also mean it). I imagine she needs something along the lines of emotional support, and not so much financial or logistical (funeral, etc).
Anything i can do?
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Yeah just emotional support. Lots of time and space to deal with it. No pressure.
Pyth0ns 1y ago
Sigh! Go to her… Bring her, her favourite snack, teddy, dildo, whatFookinever and simply STFU!
Yup… STFU
Let her hug you, vent to you, pull out her strap on and ram your ass (I do hope you know that was a joke) and be her Oak (Oak tree, sturdy as fook!)
What YOU need to work on is the fact that you can’t even live/do whatever the fuck you want coz you’re that shit scared you’ll be perceived as beta
You’re that shit scared that if you do something, she will jump on my dick in 2 seconds
You’re shit scared to realize that even if that ‘unicorn’ of yours turns out to be an AWALt coz you comforted her over what is a serious thing… That you don’t have confidence in yourself that you can either be alone and be fine with it, or banging her best friend + multiple others within the week!
Go back to the side bar!
Fookin learn it proper!
Scorpion69_ 1y ago
On point.
Comment must be at least 10 characters.
xaxixh 1y ago
I don't think she needs someone who can talk about her mother with her. Instead, she wants a shoulder to lean on and ears that can listen to her. Give her that. Sit with her, let her hug you and let her vent to you.
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
Forget about alpha/beta for a minute..... her mother just died.
Tell her you'll be there for her, but also be aware she might need space and time with family too.
Honestly, this is fucking terrible. EVERYONE says this, and it pressures her to know what she wants and have to ask for it.
Better is "I am here for you, how can I help?"
lead/hangout/comfort yes.
Assuming your girlfriend if female then obviously not this
Right, suggest you hang out somewhere easy for her and somewhere nice, ideally with some nature. If she hangs out great, if wants space then great too.
Offer to drive her there, hang out with her and family for a few days, etc.
Also, take her some decent/easy food round so she can eat without too much thinking/effort.
[deleted] 1y ago
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