I am red pill since 2014 when I was in a short relationship with a hot blond polish girl that turned out to be batshit crazy. In the time following that I rediscovered the red pill (read shortly the game when I did my first degree in 2011) and the red pill gave me an amazing experience during my 2. degree at the university. Speaking about partying, but also just solid stuff on how you can make more of yourself and increase your personal frame of influence. The improvements were definitly there. I’d say what also led me back to the red pill is, that I felt a little bit left out during school, when it came to girls and other social shit. I struggled massively with self confidence since I can think. Turns out, as I have always guessed, the reason for that has been that my father has a narcisstic personality disorder. Just learned that 8 months ago. That to the pre story.
During my time learning about the red pill from 2014 onwards I came upon the concept of the dark triad and of course, I applied it. To be honest I had great success with basically every concept of the red pill apllied correctly and with common sense. I never questioned the morality of it as for 1) I knew that from how I grew up, I needed to grow bigger balls and stand up for myself more (reason for that see the first paragraph) and 2) it is a rp rule, that we don't question morality or amorality of our action. You could add 3) that most of the startegies are applied by women themselves. In that regard, I dated or choose girls and "handled" them as I've seen girls do that with men.
Finding out about the narcissism of the one I grew up with and the implications it had on my life, like low self esteem as in being unsure of myself, being in a constant state of confusion (because of his squewed views and thinking) not exactly knowing what I want as a person, this revelation (that was brought to me by a close friend, otherwise I would probably not have noticed it) brought a lot of questions with it. Since then I watched numerous 20-30 min videos over the last 9 months from Dr. Ramani especially on youtube on the topic. I can only watch some of them a day, otherwise it just gets to much.
I’ve build myself up to be a good and strong person with the help of the realities that I saw first in the red pill and than, applied in reality, in my own life. Under the microscope of narcistic paterns, a lot of these things would fall under the theme narcisim. Especially my steadfast premise to gain control over any aspect of my life, including women. Another mantra was „As you do to me, i do to you“, and it worked perfect. E.g. using womens tactics in dating on them. Unoreverse card so to say.
And to be honest, I dont want to give that up. I know that psychology is scewed to females premises and that they of course don’t want to see a man manipulating them as they try to do to us. And a lot what you could read on the net about narcisism steems from the female dominated field of psychology. A fact that is for example always repeated is that narcicism is more prevelant in men. I have seen it the other way around. With women it is just a more covert form of narcisism and probably even more damaging.
To be honest, I didn’t expected that massive curveball that life threw me there, but I am really happy now with the facts layed out on the table. I suffered long enough under his shit. It seriously first dawned on me that it is unhealthy shit, when that friend told me I should look into that crap. Since then it feels I can be more myself. I don't have to "fake" it so much anymore. I am more at ease, but I also lack passion I'd say for stuff I do workwise e.g. or school wise (finishing my degree I had to pause because of an accident).
So basically, I went from a nice guy/AFC to an alpha to just having to discover that I grew up in a toxic enviroment that made me that nice guy initially. I am very torn. I never thought about going back being a nice guy. I was proud of myself, being seen as an asshole that sticks up for himself and had a lot of luck with that with the ladies.
Basically I try to find some good middle ground right now if that is even possible. I am ghosting my dad for the last months after I discovered it and would feel devestated to come crawling back to him. Of course I also know of the implications of having a good connection with a father is fundamental for a lot of things, given the father is a healthy father! We live close together. I see him every day. I know about that father "wound" since I had a talk about it in 2008.
I can honestly say that, that one is easily one of the top 2 life revelations I’ve gotten in my 36 years here on planet earth.
I also cut contact with my covert narcicistic grand mother and spend my time with the other healthier part of the family. Additional to that, when I saw that my Dad treats my Mom like a house slave basically, I minimized contact with her as well, to signal that something isn't going right here.
Basically I try to find some good middle ground right now if that is even possible. I am at a loss of my wisdom here.