Will try to summarize. But it is a long story. Ex gf (3-4 years older) is a long term friend. 2 years ago we decided to get together and start seeing each other. Growing up, she was and still is very attractive and very very popular in our small community. We had a lot of fun in the beginning and she was super into me until I started to grow tired of the party lifestyle. I also stonewalled and was bitter towards her history. She was my only adult relationship that I loved and she had hooked up with 10+ people in our town. Many of whom I know and see on a regular basis. I loved her but I hated this part. Seeing them around would make me act negatively towards her. I wanted to be captain save-a-hoe. I wanted to be the dad, brother and boyfriend that she never had. I was called insecure because I felt this way about her history and that there is nothing she can do about it.
Last year my life went to shit. Death of 2 loved ones, bad case of the coronavirus and sever depression. I was taking it out on the relationship (never physical abuse) but was just not a good time. She ended up dumping me. I begged and pleaded and explained how and what I learned moving forward. She did not accept and ended up dating someone else 2 months after the breakup.
I have been hooking up with other girls but I still miss her and I am still extremely upset. While she is out partying and having a good time with her new boyfriend.
If she was anyone else I wouldnt have cared, but what we gone through together and our long friendship makes me confused and unable to understand how she would go about things this way. Questoning why she didnt give us another chance. How she jumped into another relationship like this. How do I move from here?
I hate that my heart still loves her and wants her back.
She knows I wouldve gave her my world. It was real genuine love.
EDIT: title shouldve read "Heartbroken By Ex GF and Needing Guidance"
Durek_The_Bald 1y ago
Speaking from experience, break-ups become 10.000 times worse if you've done a lot of stupid, cringy shit to try to hold on to it; pleading, begging, crying, beta games etc. Probably a lot of what you're thinking of as "oneitis", "broken heart", or however you want to put it, is really about the shame of having completely and utterly debased yourself. Top that with her jumping straight to a new guy, you probably feel very small with how your exit was, the night-and-day difference between your exit and his entrance, and the impression you imagine she must have now.
That's really not about her, just you.
It'll pass with time, but for the future, realise that how you exit a relationship plays a huge part in how you're going to deal with it ending, and for how long. It's better to leave a downwards spiraling relationship with your head held somewhat high, rather than having to deal with having totally embarrassed yourself in the process. In practical terms that's means: Don't chase, and accept rejection and getting dumped with as much stoic force as you can muster. Some things you just have to let go, and not fight for it, lest it costs you your dignity.
burnerpage40 1y ago
Thanks for this. Unfortunately, I tried to hold on and fix what i deemed love beyond comparison.
Intrepid_Place53900 1y ago
Oneitis issue
You sound young, definitely inexperienced. You need more experience, go out with more girls as you say you are doing.
That's how you move on. Focus on your goals in life while having fun with more girls.
The wondering why this or that. Chalk it up to , a bad period in your life, you didn't handle it too well but she wasn't girl friend material to stick with you either, it appears.
A learning experience.
Especially young women, they want fun, if you aren't fun, they aren't gonna hang around generally. She moved on, you need to also.
burnerpage40 1y ago
I have trouble building this emotional connection. The girls I have been seeing have been just for sex. I am worried I wont find someone to connect with and love me like she did.
She tried to be patient with me but I only learned what it was too late it seems. But i keep telling myself that she knew she was my first real love.. why not wait or try again..
Intrepid_Place53900 1y ago
There's millions of girls out there for you. Don't worry and don't rush it.
In the meantime, focus on your goals in life.
[deleted] 1y ago
[--removed--]
burnerpage40 1y ago
its very difficult as we our community is very small and we share alot of friends
Axlerod9999 1y ago
Get new friends. It's not that hard
[deleted] 1y ago
[--removed--]
burnerpage40 1y ago
She has been through alot. She loved me and was waiting for me to change and be accepting and i just couldnt at the time. I didnt have the tools. I deff had oneitis. and still do. I just feel she was so special.. in our community she is seen as an "it girl" and high value.
Axlerod9999 1y ago
If it helps, she was a town whore by your characterisation. Good riddance
pfeilmacher 1y ago
Stop being a loser. That ex of yours is a whore. Have some dignity, bro. Jesus fucking christ.
Axlerod9999 1y ago
He seems to not know what dignity & self respect is
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
This is how women are. This is the well known lightswitch effect.
Why? You hated the party stuff and you are not compatible, you want different things...... you're trying to rescue party-ho, and she wants to still be party-ho.
Find a better girl for yourself.
burnerpage40 1y ago
isnt love enough instead of compatability?
Axlerod9999 1y ago
You are a class A moron. Ever reply of yours is Cringy. Are you retarded?
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
Let me save you a boatload of pain throughout your life:
Firstly love isn't a thing. It just isn't. Doesn't exist, doesn't happen, doesn't work.
Secondly: in so far as "love" exists, which you might define as mutual respect, comfort, appreciation, etc...... it only exists AS A RESULT of everything else. It sits on top. It's the "end result". It's the final stage. It stands atop everything else.
It is NOT a foundation.
Let me give concrete examples:
Girls fall in love with chad.
A couple who "love each other" where the boy is fat and jobless will very very quickly hear the girl saying "I love you...... but I'm not IN LOVE with you".
The foundations are attraction and compatibility and respect. Feelings of "love" are the the result (but they are just feelings, it isn't real).
Love is NOT the basis. You can't build on love, but you can feel love (briefly, as a feeling only), as a result of everything else being in place.
When women talk of love they mean your support.
Love: it isn't a thing and it's certainly not the basis of anything.
You're welcome.
benzino 1y ago
bro she broke up with you in her mind a long time ago, way before she made it official.
Carry on with your life. Take people as they are - some are good, some are evil, just treat them accordingly. It can only affect you if you let it. Look from another perspective, she broke up with you when you're young, haven't married, got no children and therefore no alimony. You're free to pursue other younger women, and she became someone else's problem
burnerpage40 1y ago
Yes. Looking back, there were signs that I didnt see. I just kept making it worse. She had subliminally warned me tht if my behaviour continued she would leave but i didnt see it or beleive it i guess. never thought she would leave. Im not as social as she is and she sort of made me put my self out there. now i feel alone.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Lots of guys make the mistake of thinking they have equity in a relationship. We don't. It's a covert contract. All that stuff you said and did for her counts for nothing. We may sound like heartless jerks for telling men to invest nothing into women but now you can see why.