I've been dating a cute 20-year old girl for a year now. I'm 33 years old. We get along great. We enjoy traveling, watching movies, and so on. She's a pretty smart person who's studying odontology.
The bad: I've been having second thoughts about continuing our relationship. I was unaware of red flags before coming to TRP, but now after reading so many threads about them, there's a few things I don't like.
The big thing I don't like: she has 7 tattoos. I didn't think anything bad of them before, but now they disgust me after reading so many negative threads about them. Yesterday she stayed over at my place and burst out crying, she told me that her step father raped her when she was young. Everything I've read about them is true: tattoos mean damage.
Her mother passed away two years ago. I feel like an asshole for considering ending the relationship, but I'm starting to want to settle down. She says she wants to have kids and would love to spend the rest of her life with me.
Now I don't regret the year I've spent with her because frankly, it's been an incredibly fun relationship with many awesome experiences. She bought me a skydiving experience for my birthday, really looks up to me, and seems to be deeply in love.
I can't stop thinking about the red flags, though. Especially her being a rape victim and having so many tattoos is really disconcerting. I can't say it's her fault, but I'm starting to fear that I've only seen her good side so far.
Any thoughts?
whytehorse2021 2y ago
The huge red flag here is she hasn't dealt with the rape. Are you her full time therapist now? She needs a therapist before she's ready for a LTR, marriage, kids, etc. Tattoos are fine for marking oneself as a warrior but on women they usually are reminders of the gigaChad that pumped and dumped them. Ask her why she got them. I bet it's something like "Well this one reminds me of Chad Thundercock and this one reminds me of some other Chad." Maybe one is for her mom and one is for her sorority but there's always one or more for the alpha widower.
Escapethecity 2y ago
Tough call. She opened up to you and showed vulnerability, that's a big step in the trust department. Tattoos can be trashy or classy. What are hers? They are a vogue thing now, most American girls have em. Slim pickings to find a blank canvas, thirteen year old girls give themselves tattoos with a needle and ball point pen, called stick and poke. If things are going right, and she's doing things for you and the only red flags are her opening up to you (everyone has something) then it might be best for you to strengthen what you can handle as a partner...or it might be good to send her to therapy. Like I said...tough call
jormigaso 2y ago
You're developing oneitis dude, full stop. Remember AWALT, she is a fucking bitch like all the other women, sounds like she's just playing mind games with you.
Also, it's up to you to ignore the red flags, they're there for a reason and there's no exception. Marry her, go ahead!
Hanscheezburger 2y ago
A bit off topic but what are the implications of tattoos? You mentioned reading about tattoos meaning damage and I'm interested to read more about it
Hanscheezburger 2y ago
And a bit more on topic, one year is a VERY short time in the grand scheme of things. I have dated a girl for 6 years who showed only great signs when we were dating. Moved in together and I found out how controlling and manipulative she can be. Of course, I cut it off. Some people can change very quickly when you start to spend a lot of time with then. Or rather, they just show you who they really are.
Imo, trust your gut feeling. If you feel something isn't right, it very well could be. It seems to me you're developing oneitis and you should really take a step back and assess the whole situation as well as all of her behavior before considering settling down. And if you make that decision, never let go of yourself and keep your value high if you want to keep a relationship with a 20 yo
relevantosv 2y ago
It display bad impulse control. Ask anyone over 40 if they are stil happy with their shitty tattoo they decided to get when they were fresh out of school. There is nothing that disturbs me more than what would have been a cute 18year old which has a tattoo. I actually prefer a 50 notch count if they are competent enough to hide it. A tattoo screams "stay away" before you even get the chance too talk to them.
I would estimate that 70-80% of all women iv'e been have had some sort of tattoo, and i can say with a 100% certainty that none of them were fit to anything more than a plate at best.
It's soul sucking walking around in the west really, because it's impossible to ignore.
There is especially two red flags every guy should look for when in thought of giving a girl any type of commitment: Tattoos & relationship with father.
There is of course several more red flags to look after, but these two you should NEVER ignore.
hannulv 2y ago
These are dumb ass red flags. I've had good relationships with way worse. Don't get caught up on superficial shit. Focus on the key stuff.
This is the shit that matters, not tattoos and child abuse. If she's really someone that can add value to your life long term, then you can have a successful LTR, providing you keep your life focused on you and building your own life, with her as a compliment to that life, and never get to a point where you would subjugate yourself because you are afraid to lose her.
Many 20 year-olds are hot, but few are skilled at keeping themselves fit. A girl that was gym-averse would be a deal-killing red flag for me.