I've recently started dating someone. Although I don't know exactly how much she makes, by my estimations I bring in roughly 10x more than her. Now I don't mind paying for dates and trips, but I just don't want to be taken advantage of, which I've got a history of under the pretext that if we'll be together forever, why does it matter? I've fallen or that once, never again.
So I'm asking you – how do I pay for stuff (which I'm happy to do) without being taken advantage of. What are signs to look for? For example, sometimes she offers to pay, and some other times even does so while I'm not paying attention. But longer-term, how do I not slip into a place where I pay for everything and then if I don't, then I'd be labelled as cheap?
I_respect_females 2y ago
How much you spend really does not matter your whole frame is wrong because you are so beta you can't even tell when someone is taking advantage of you so you are in her frame, you need to be the alpha and fuck her how ever you want, money shouldn't even be crossing your mind you just do what you feel like doing
whytehorse2021 2y ago
I hide my wealth. I shop at goodwill, garage sales, drive used cars, etc. I stay in inexpensive guest houses, eat at good but cheap restaurants while traveling, eat at home mostly, etc. It's your money. You won't have it for long if you spend it on unnecessary things. I can get the same thing at a 3 star hotel that I can at a 5 star because I don't require a massage, spa, nail salon, etc. A gold digger would be miserable with me and think I'm cheap and reveal herself.
hannulv 2y ago
So there's missing info here. Is this just dating? Is this exclusive dating? What are the terms?
In general, the limits are based on what you want to do. If you want to do expensive shit... Guided buffalo hunt on the cape of Africa... Skydiving... Island resorts... then you'll have to pay, but doing that shit is risky, because it cultivates beta bux feelings and resentments. The law of reciprocity mandates that humans once gifted return the favor, forcing girls to see fucking you as transactional, or forcing them to see you a mark that they are grifting.
What usually works better is if you HAVE expensive shit and then she can use it with you without you paying her way directly. You can take her out on your boat, your jetskis, your snowmobiles, your shotgun, your vacation home, etc. She can taste a piece of your amazing life, but you bought it for you not for her. Think of a date like your kids friend. If your kid had a friend and they came to do some activity with you, then for most small stuff like snowcones and gas you would just graciously host them, but if you took them skiing or to disneyland, they would need to come up with cash for tickets, rental, lodging, etc.
Don't treat her like your moneywhore, and don't nickel and dime her. I swear some guys wouldn't share their burrito if the bitch lost her purse. It's also good to lay things out as long you don't sound cheap or cringey. It's better to spell it out that your going dutch in general and then just cheat a little. "I respect you and I don't want you to feel like you're my whore or like I own you, so lets pay equally. When someone pays for everything, you can never escape the pressured feeling that you're in their debt." It also means not suggesting shit that's going to cripple her financially.
redhawkes 2 2y ago
You establish that frame from the beginning. Do you even fuck her? Probably not.
The second the bitch sense beta in you, you're gonna be milked for your resources. So, don't talk about how much you make. Go dutch, or if she pays one tab, you pay for the other. Never pay for a bitch you haven't fucked already.
You're giving off bf material vibes. Don't get surprised when she starts to hold her pussy hostage.
If you're fishing with gold, you'll get golddiggers. Read the fucking sidebar on the topic and use the askTRP search bar.
pfeilmacher 2y ago
"If you're fishing with gold, you'll get golddiggers."
This right here. Brilliant comment.
SillySillyBoy 2y ago
At no point during my question did I specify whether we fuck or not, but you've made the assumption that we don't, hence the rest of your comment was based on that. Sex is not a problem in this relationship.
Second of all, at no point did I say that I'm fishing with gold. I'm not flaunting my salary. I don't dress from D&G. I don't drive expensive cars. I spend my money wisely, but it's obvious that I've got them. She didn't know this in the beginning, of course, but it became clear over time.
I want to make it clear that this is not a "She's taking advantage of me financially and I don't know how to get out of it". Women who take advantage of you financially don't pay the bill at a restaurant while you've gone to the toilet or always ask "Let me know what I owe you for this or that". What I'm afraid of is this behaviour slipping in the future, where if I don't make it clear that I expect her to continue paying her part, she might stop.
But I don't want to go to her and say "Hey, look, you need to carry your weight in this relationship, otherwise it won't work". That's not productive. I'd rather do it through small subtle cues, which is where I'm struggling. The well-known "I'll pay for this round and you get the next one" will only work so many times.
Intrepid_Place53900 2y ago
you don't want to say (you need to carry your weight in this relationship). Why not? You just started dating. do you want a LTR with her maybe?
I'm in a LTR, right off the bat I told her, 50/50 and I have a certain lifestyle, vacations,etc which you'd need to keep up with.
she had no problem with that at all. I make twice what she does, and I don't care, it's 50/50.
Remember, it's just your turn. Make her pay for it.
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SillySillyBoy 2y ago
Okay, but I'm not sure that's possible. If we'd go half on everything, I wouldn't be able to go to the places that I want to go, travel to the countries I want to travel to, stay in the hotels that I want to stay in, etc, since she is not making enough for that. Saying "She has to pay half" means me lowering my living standards. Not interested in that. I'm happy to bring her along, I just want to figure out some sort of a mutual understanding that I'm not her cash cow.
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KirthWGersen 2y ago
It's not what you say, it is what you do.
If she can't afford to do the things you want to do, but you are happy to pay for 90% (knowing the relationship can end at any time), she is not taking advantage of you.
If she is suggesting places to go that she can't afford and expecting you to pay, she is taking advantage of you. Unless you like the ideas you would not otherwise have had and are happy to pay.
When I (rarely) spend money on a woman, I treat it as simply paying for what I want without expecting to get it back. Like gambling: only bet what you are willing to lose. However, some reciprocity is appreciated and necessary to sustain a relationship. For example, if I buy her a meal (can't remember the last time I ever did that), I would appreciate her cooking me a meal in her house.
It is generally a very bad idea to move in with someone who earns a lot less than you. All the risk is on your side.
Intrepid_Place53900 2y ago
aha, very important. ( If we'd go half on everything, I wouldn't be able to go to the places that I want to go, travel to the countries I want to travel to, stay in the hotels that I want to stay in, etc, since she is not making enough for that).
My view, with my girl, I don't care, I want to do this stuff and we go 50/50. If she can't do that or can't travel 3-4 times a year, I find (women who can). Note: I told her at the very start, I'm old though, so time to enjoy life.
You just started dating her, she doesn't meet one of your main standards. Your question has been answered. She can be a plate, not a LTR.