So i’ve been in a LTR for the past year and i’m struggling to find the means to navigate it - Mostly in terms of jealousy and trust issues. Past experiences have left me feeling needy and I find myself often asking her for reassurance, asking if she loves me, if i’m the pne, etc. I know my beyavior isnt doing me any favors, but I can’t help but ask because I am so afraid of losing this. I know that I shouldn't feel that way... But it feels outside of my control. I'm scared of being left and scared of what that rejection would do to me and say about me.
I’m never aggressive in how i ask or bring these things up but I find myself being clingy, wondering and asking who she’s talking to, and feeling anxious all of the time. Frankly, I don’t know how to stop giving a fuck. I don’t know if I could handle betrayal. She says this is forever, but those words do nothing for me.
I know I might catch shit for this post but i’m trying to work myself out of this. Sex is still great, we talk about moving in together, but sometimes she doesnt respond or ignores my messages and I feel more invested. I don’t know how to pull the energy back in my favor. If I back off and stop being available, what if she starts having interest for someone else? Those are the thoughts im stuck with.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Classic ONEITIS. You are in her frame. She wears the pants in the family. You're her bitch. You put her on a pedestal. You're the woman in the relationship. This is normal, by the way. You mated which triggered hormonal changes and put you into a mate-guarding mode, territorial mode, and triggered social monogamy with this woman. The problem comes when you throw sexual monogamy into the mix. This is what makes men go all beta. Go fuck other women, then you won't be worried if she leaves you. Then you will treat her appropriately. Then she will respond with emotional investment. Then you won't be worried.
[deleted] 2y ago
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Growing 2y ago
If you haven't read this read and do it for as long as you live.
Ow, plus leave that bitch.
Not because she is bad, because you need to be better.
I'm not seeing how you are going to grow if you are still with her. I mean, you need her, don't you? That's my point. You shouldn't need her.
When you stop needing her, you'll tackle your inner demons better.
Will it be lonely? Of course.
That's the point.
Then go practice game. The first few rejections hurt like fuck.
Over time, you'll get used to it.
Over time, you'll know, without a shadow of doubt, that you need no bitch. They are a compliment to your life.
All the best bro.
master-of-losers 2y ago
I don't know how frequently you act clingy and whether you occasionally mix it up with some alpha behavior or not, but in case you're always more or less at a steady level clinginess/alphaness, I'd recommend the following:
Forcibly suppress your beta loser mateguarding instincts for, say, just a week (or however long you might manage). Promise yourself that no matter how you feel, during this timeframe you will not ask her ANY such questions, never send her any messages unless she texts you first, etc. Since it's just a limited timeframe, it should be easier to stick to. During this timeframe, you will probably notice an increase in investment and attraction coming from her. You will perceive this as rewarding and get trained like a pavlovian dog to treat her that way.
YourOwnDisaster 2y ago
You feel more invested because you are more invested. You're right to not listen to mouth words from a woman, instead watch actions.
The reason you feel like this is because you're scared, just as you've said. Your need for validation, comfort and overall neediness has taken over. You think this is the best you'll ever get. I've got news for you. Chances are, you won't marry this girl. If and when you break up (and this is highly likely due to your own beta actions), you'll be in a terrible space for a long time. That is, unless you stop being such a pussy and start living for yourself and not some chick.
Start off slow. Start reading and understanding the Sidebar. If you're not lifting already, start. You probably do everything with her, so start solo activities where she's not involved. Your scarcity and oneitis of one chick's affection is what you need to break out of. Realize that a man drives the ship and a woman is welcome to follow if she acts right. You don't sit and beg them to love you.
Musicgoon425 2y ago
So far you're doing an excellent job of making sure she will eventually branch swing. You look really needy and weak.
Every time you ask for reassurance, your also damaging the relationship. One day she will leave because of it. You've got to stop this.
None of this is outside of your control. You're just telling yourself that lie so you don't need to work on it. Go out and talk to people. Flirt with cute girls. This isn't optional. You can save what you have or don't apply yourself. When the relationship ends and you're a mess you'll need to understand that you could've gone out and worked on your SMV and social skills, but you decided to be passive.
unplugged69 2y ago
It sounds like you have not read the sidebar, go read it and re-post and tell us what you've learned.
LTRs are considered hardmode, you need to have high SVM, apply dread and have a very solid frame to be able to pull one off.
Since you are a noob you should read up on plate theory and hypergamy, start with the book the rational male since it's an essential read.
You need to start working out, LIFT. Start with a simple program like 5x5.
Read up on stoicism and meditate, this will massively help your frame.
Finally start applying dread, look up 12 levels of dread and start applying. You don't need to go all the way since you're not in a dead bedroom secenario but you should go up to level 8. When your girl is hitting you with comfort tests that's when you know you've applied enough dread.
Finally, your LTR is not going to work out. This is because you started out as beta and she will probably never see you as alpha now. Iron rule of Tomassi says it's ALWAYS better to try to develop new relationships than to save old ones. Go talk to other women, flirt, push-pull, learn to tease them and polarize the conversation.
Once you're spinning 3 plates for at least 1-2 years you'll begin to internalize abundance mentality and make better decisions. Your insecurity and neediness comes from a scarcity mentality. The only day out is spinning plates.
Feel free to ask questions, and good luck on your journey.
pfeilmacher 2y ago
Even if you're deeply in love with this woman, she (or any other woman) should never be the FOCUS of your life.
Make sure you're following your own path, not the breadcrumbs this woman.