For context, I’ve been dating this girl for 8 months and this is my first real relationship, and I’m a bit on the older side (25). My girlfriend found out I was a virgin a few months ago when she found a throwaway account I used to ask a question, and I told her the truth.That I was raised in a conservative household, that it’s embarrassing to say that I’m inexperienced at my age, and such.
My whole motto is fake it till you make it, so I had this confident demeanor, about how experienced I was, what I liked... etc. I did have another relationship before in my teen years, but it never lead to sex, and just created trust issues.
To this day, due to my lack of experience and the previous relationship, I have trust issues, and these insecurities have been a pain point in my relationship. In the months I’ve been dating this girl (24F) we’ve had a few issues regarding me being suspicious, being too clingy, too inquisitive, and too intense with my affection.
In the months that have followed, I’ve worked on myself, and have resolved 95% of these issues, but there’s always invasive thoughts.
My girlfriend lives an hour away, and therefore tries to spend every other weekend at my house due to her work schedule. When she says she’s hanging out with her old girlfriends, I’m cool about it, give her space and don’t keep tabs on her when she’s doing her own thing. We both share our location with each other, and I just send a casual text hours after her outing to see how things are going.
My latest pain-point is that she recently started feeling isolated (she claims she’s introverted). That all our friends have moved to different states, that we only hang out online and that she doesn’t like spending all day on the computer. She’s resorted to using Bumble BFF to find “girl” friends, and have lunch dates with them.
Now I’ll admit, the insecurity in me feels threatened by this, because it could lead to these friends interfering with the little time I have with her. I didn’t pay too much mind, since they live closer and she’s been meeting them in the afternoon during the weekday.
Now, for example this week there’s only one day I can see her. We had talked about our plans for that day, and the evening (even if it wasn’t conclusive). Then she asked me what I feared, if it was ok to hang with the new girl she met in the evening.
Now, I’ll admit I didn’t react well. I was insulted, because I thought we already had our day planned for that day. I also didn’t want to set a precedent of her having these new friends interfere with our weekends, so I took a bet and “stood up” for myself and told her no, that she should find another day. It came off rude, because I was angry of the suggestion itself since we already had plans?
This started an whole argument about me controlling her time, who she hangs out with, when, and being controlling and possessive. I retorted that I don’t act that way 99% of the time when she’s with her friends, but reacted badly because I thought we had plans. This resulted in her dredging up the past about our past arguments, red flags, and what not.
I gave her a concise explanation, and logic of the way I was feeling. That I’m not a doormat that you just say things to without any opinions being answered back. That I had a right to express myself about things that bother me, and that I’ve made a lot of changes to be a more chill boyfriend who isn’t needy, controlling and such.
Now I thought we had good communication because we usually talk out our problems, but when it’s a bit more intense (this is the 3rd time she’s done it) she likes to give me the silent treatment for 1-2 days.
It’s been exactly 24 hours (in reality two days, because she didn’t speak to me from the late afternoon till evening, and still hasn’t spoken to me today), and nothing. No goodnight, good morning, no texts, nothing. This is frustrating to me, because I’m the type of person who likes to resolve issues.
The problem here is that I don’t want to break down my frame and apologize for a legitimate concern of mine! Now, I understand my reaction could be viewed poorly.
So I’m asking for advice around here. Was I in the wrong in holding frame to prevent precedent; am I being controlling/possessive even though it was just a heat of the moment for this case?
I need your opinions on what I should do. Do I text her saying I’m sorry, saying why she’s ignoring me, etc?
I don’t want to confide to friends in our circle, because it’s none of their business.