For context, I’ve been dating this girl for 8 months and this is my first real relationship, and I’m a bit on the older side (25). My girlfriend found out I was a virgin a few months ago when she found a throwaway account I used to ask a question, and I told her the truth.That I was raised in a conservative household, that it’s embarrassing to say that I’m inexperienced at my age, and such.
My whole motto is fake it till you make it, so I had this confident demeanor, about how experienced I was, what I liked... etc. I did have another relationship before in my teen years, but it never lead to sex, and just created trust issues.
To this day, due to my lack of experience and the previous relationship, I have trust issues, and these insecurities have been a pain point in my relationship. In the months I’ve been dating this girl (24F) we’ve had a few issues regarding me being suspicious, being too clingy, too inquisitive, and too intense with my affection.
In the months that have followed, I’ve worked on myself, and have resolved 95% of these issues, but there’s always invasive thoughts.
My girlfriend lives an hour away, and therefore tries to spend every other weekend at my house due to her work schedule. When she says she’s hanging out with her old girlfriends, I’m cool about it, give her space and don’t keep tabs on her when she’s doing her own thing. We both share our location with each other, and I just send a casual text hours after her outing to see how things are going.
My latest pain-point is that she recently started feeling isolated (she claims she’s introverted). That all our friends have moved to different states, that we only hang out online and that she doesn’t like spending all day on the computer. She’s resorted to using Bumble BFF to find “girl” friends, and have lunch dates with them.
Now I’ll admit, the insecurity in me feels threatened by this, because it could lead to these friends interfering with the little time I have with her. I didn’t pay too much mind, since they live closer and she’s been meeting them in the afternoon during the weekday.
Now, for example this week there’s only one day I can see her. We had talked about our plans for that day, and the evening (even if it wasn’t conclusive). Then she asked me what I feared, if it was ok to hang with the new girl she met in the evening.
Now, I’ll admit I didn’t react well. I was insulted, because I thought we already had our day planned for that day. I also didn’t want to set a precedent of her having these new friends interfere with our weekends, so I took a bet and “stood up” for myself and told her no, that she should find another day. It came off rude, because I was angry of the suggestion itself since we already had plans?
This started an whole argument about me controlling her time, who she hangs out with, when, and being controlling and possessive. I retorted that I don’t act that way 99% of the time when she’s with her friends, but reacted badly because I thought we had plans. This resulted in her dredging up the past about our past arguments, red flags, and what not.
I gave her a concise explanation, and logic of the way I was feeling. That I’m not a doormat that you just say things to without any opinions being answered back. That I had a right to express myself about things that bother me, and that I’ve made a lot of changes to be a more chill boyfriend who isn’t needy, controlling and such.
Now I thought we had good communication because we usually talk out our problems, but when it’s a bit more intense (this is the 3rd time she’s done it) she likes to give me the silent treatment for 1-2 days.
It’s been exactly 24 hours (in reality two days, because she didn’t speak to me from the late afternoon till evening, and still hasn’t spoken to me today), and nothing. No goodnight, good morning, no texts, nothing. This is frustrating to me, because I’m the type of person who likes to resolve issues.
The problem here is that I don’t want to break down my frame and apologize for a legitimate concern of mine! Now, I understand my reaction could be viewed poorly.
So I’m asking for advice around here. Was I in the wrong in holding frame to prevent precedent; am I being controlling/possessive even though it was just a heat of the moment for this case?
I need your opinions on what I should do. Do I text her saying I’m sorry, saying why she’s ignoring me, etc?
I don’t want to confide to friends in our circle, because it’s none of their business.
7ilk 3y ago
Listen bro, one day you will go back and read this post if you ever (actually) educate yourself on game and the redpill, and you will see all the holes in it. You are dying for some confirmation bias here and you aren't going to get it. You are behind the curve at this point in time and your girlfriend is going to quickly lose interest if you stay on this same scarcity minded path. You didn't "hold frame" to prevent anything, you arguably never had frame to begin with because if you did you likely wouldn't be in this predicament.
I will criticize one portion of this post and leave you to educating yourself on how the rest of it can also be seen as fatally incorrect too.
"This started an whole argument about me controlling her time, who she hangs out with, when, and being controlling and possessive. I retorted that I don’t act that way 99% of the time when she’s with her friends, but reacted badly because I thought we had plans. This resulted in her dredging up the past about our past arguments, red flags, and what not."
Arguing with women = bad. Women are EMOTIONAL men are LOGICAL. Logic and emotion don't mix, which is why republicans and democrats don't often get along or think in the same way at all (sorry, tis the season for political jokes).
If she feels "controlled" (amidst other things) then you have either failed to be the leader that you are supposed to be, or she is shit testing you to test your frame because she senses a weakness potentially. If you entertained an argument, you messed up. If she is digging up the past, then she resents you for your weakness in previous times.
Solution: You need to get out of the scarcity mentality, one could argue that is why you're in a longer distance relationship to begin with, and she could see right through it too (as she might already). Learn game and you'll know how to attract and keep women around, you will start to identify with things in life that YOU chase after, as a man is supposed to, and she will run towards that. Your time will be limited but she will want the small free time you have, to be spent with her. Look up the cat analogy in several recommended readings, give her the opportunity to pursue you, but always remain fairly aloof. Good luck.