TLDR: I'm in the kind of relationship with the type of woman I've always wanted and that the TRP espouses as the ideal, but now faced with the reality of starting a family and children, I can't bring myself to do it and it's tearing me up.

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I'll preface this by saying I've probably been red pilled over a decade now, 3 digit notch count, prestigious lucrative job yada yada only as to indicate the level of experience this question is coming form.

I'm mid 30s. When I was 27, I met a girl (cold approach daygame) who was 21 at the time. She was sweet, innocent, from a great family, extremely low notch count, who from the very first day made it clear she wanted a family and children. She stuck it out amongst other plates over about 18 months despite often wanting to leave because she sensed I wasn't a serious prospect as a committed partner. After being promoted to top spot, I sat her down and told her I loved her, and that I did see marriage and children in the future with her, but that I couldn't commit to sexual monogamy.

I had been jaded by the fact that no women I met came anywhere near to being close to LTR material, let alone wife or Mother material, and so marriage and kids just wasn't something I thought was a realistic possibility and I was totally fine with that. Yet somehow in front of me I had a so called unicorn that was completely dedicated to us, who even begrudgingly permitted me to see other women, though she decided she didn't want to be with anyone else but me. It seemed foolish to let her get away - wasn't this what all red pill men dream of orchestrating?

Fast forward 5 years around the time of COVID, I continued to sleep around but I knew it was killing her inside and that the situation wasn't tenable long term. I allowed her to move in with me and I told her I would only see other women if it was in another city and only as a one off thing. Last year I proposed. She made it clear every step of the way that she wanted children, and I said once I got past some extremely difficult professional assessments that took the last two years of my life, we would have kids.

Now that's done, and it's time to shit or get off the pot, my gut tells me I can't go through with it. She remains incredibly dedicated, and I literally wouldn't want any other woman to be my wife or mother of my children. But I can't help but think of the freedoms I would lose if I went down that path. The loss of finances and independence. The tedium of family life and dependents. The inability to have a forever rotating roster of women. The possibility that the hallmark husband and father life is only 2% of what is otherwise 98% of the time being bored and resentful. Our relationship is most certainly less than it was - I am struggling to have sex with her more than twice a month because I am no longer desire it, despite her being objectively gorgeous and begging me for it. Living together has taken the joy out of spending time with her, and I am most certainly taking her for granted. People talk about how high notch count ruin a woman's ability to remain loyal, but I feel like TRP mentality and continuously chasing ass for a decade has made it difficult for me to be happy with a good woman.

I literally have in front of me the best opportunity for 'happily ever after', am the envy of many a red blooded male, but I find myself hesitating and hesitating. I tell myself, what else am I going to do, chase more pussy, travel to more places, buy more shit that will make me happy for a week? I've done all of that and it's going to be a sad life as an old lonely man in the nursing home without a family around him. Despite telling myself this - I remain ambivalent, unappreciative of what I have, incapable of putting in the work and commitment to create a great relationship and loving family. Being unable to pull the trigger on putting a baby inside her and she knows this.

I think there's a part of me that knows if I had the balls, I should have called this off a while ago while she was younger to give her time to find a man that can give her what she deserves. Because I've stolen the youth of a woman who has done nothing but love me and I feel like a piece of shit because of it. She's 28 now and it's not the end of the world if she had to start over, but fuck it's going to be a stain on my soul and I just can't bring myself to leave her. What if walking way would be the biggest regret of my life? Do I need to just man the fuck up - but if so, why haven't I been able to do it yet?

Has anyone been in a situation like this, or have any thoughts on the matter. Have you been a fence sitter with family life and found it hard to renounce your old ways, gone through with it and then regretted it? Maybe you committed and came through the other side a better man?

Thanks for reading.