This probably doesn't belong here, but r/theredpillwomen is set to private and this is a throwaway account. Also, there is no opinion I respect more than this one, even if it is to tell me to fuck off.

Set up: You name a job in the sex industry, I probably did it. No real friends to speak of save for the ones I made off the internet. I have no nest egg because I gave away all the money I made to my controlling ex boyfriend who pushed me into the industry. I was dumb and desperate to be loved. You could lead me with any opinion if you said it threateningly/strong enough and cuddled me afterward. I'd like to think I'm different now but... probably not.

I have a LTR now and have been monogamous for over a year. We're fighting to the point that breaking up is entirely possible, but the problem is that if he/I left, I'd have less financial stability, which makes me feel like I need to make amends quickly and for my own sake.

That fear in itself makes me want to part ways. Who needs that kind of attitude in a partner that's supposed to love them? Fucking no one.

So on top of not making amends while being largely at fault, I probably fucking shouldn't bother because I don't know how I can overcome such a self centered mindset.. I think I can circumvent it if I was secure in my ability to make a sizable living for myself but I refuse to do that by selling myself... for a number of reasons I won't bother listing. I've been out of the industry for a year but I feel like I'm still staring at a brick wall. I'm in a sales job now solely to build people skills but jesus christ, people are hell.

I've been reading /theredpill. Exercise, work out, eat right, take care of yourself. I've been doing all those things and making them into more of a habit these days. I definitely need to read more though.

But I think I'm completely fucked as a woman (no pun intended) to think emotionally and to be self centered and shitty forever.

I don't think it's worth it for me to become a submissive housewife type. Granted, I do all the cooking and cleaning and I love being fucked like a submissive woman, but I feel so inadequate that I'm not more alpha outside of the bedroom, making money, being rational, not being shitty. Also, by sheer numbers of the people I fucked, I doubt anyone else will ever take my LTR potential seriously unless I lied, but I'm not willing to do that either.

Or is it worse that I'd want to give up on my relationship?

Edit: I appreciate nearly all the comments and private messages; they were very helpful. For clarity: my guy is a great leader/provider. He's actually the reason why I left and will never return to the sex industry. Hell, he's why I'm nowhere near as broken as I was over a year ago. So you're right, I need to trust in him more and stop with the self sabotage. I've talked about everything I posted here over with him and things are already improving.

Heading to r/redpillwomen. Thanks again