In my beta days, I loved Damsels in Distress (DiD). They were my kryptonite. There were girls in my life who were friends or acquaintances, who I'd have no interest in dating. But one day they'd be laid low by something going on in their life, and they'd open up to me, and I'd find myself falling for them (and them for me).
I'd see a girl in genuine pain and be drawn to not just help her, but start caring about her. What can I say? They tempted me with their vulnerability. And I thought I was doing the right thing helping them out.
Well, that's changed. For people like me with a weakness for Damsels in Distress, let me break down those Damsels, and explain why helping them is the worst thing you can do.
Before I start though, a few caveats:
- I'm not talking about White Knights(tm), like you see in forums here, randomly defending indefensible chicks to prove their feminist cred or get a nice pat on the head from a girl they want to bang. I'm talking an actual girl you know, who is facing something real.
- I don't mean physical distress. If a woman -- or man -- is being attacked or abused, then help them, even if all you can do is call 911. No, I'm talking emotional distress. When they're sitting in a heap on your sofa bawling their eyes out.
- I'm not talking about friendzoned guys who keep helping girls despite getting no reciprocal attention. They should just next the girl completely. I'm talking about situations where both of you end up falling for each other. You because she's your DiD, and her, because you're her knight in shining armor. Most of the times, it's still a bad, bad idea.
Why are relationships with Damsels in Distress so toxic? You need to understand one basic thing about women: they love drama, regardless of if it's good or bad. Guys generally hate drama, but will tolerate it if it's good drama, like two girls fighting over who gets to suck your dick first. And even that, we dispatch in a couple of seconds so we can get on with the BJ. Girls, on the other hand, love to stew in drama, marinate in it, stuff their lives with it. It makes them feel like their life is worth living, the fact that it's causing so much torment to them and people around them. That's why they do things that are completely unfathomable to guys, like stay with boyfriends that beat them, or cheat on someone because their life was "too stable". And what is Distress if not drama?
So with that understanding, imagine a damsel who lives in a kingdom with lots of puddles of quicksand. She's walking home on a road with quicksand up ahead. How does she react? Depends on what type of damsel she is:
- She's actually smart enough to spot the quicksand, goes around it, and continues on her merry way. This is the rare woman who doesn't like drama, is smart enough to spot it, and avoids it. She does not become a damsel in distress.
- She doesn't see the quicksand and falls in. But she knows how to pull herself out of it. Which she does, and then keeps walking. This woman may not have been able to spot the drama, but she knows how to solve the problem herself. She may appreciate help, but doesn't need it. She doesn't stay a DiD for very long before getting out and continuing on.
- She falls in and doesn't know how to get out herself. She must be rescued before she gets completely swallowed up and dies. This woman doesn't know how to spot drama, and doesn't know how to get herself out of it. But at least she wants to get out of the quicksand. So when a knight comes along and pulls her out, she's genuinely appreciative, falls in love with him, and they ride off into the sunset together.
- She falls in, and realizes she kinda likes all the attention as all the villagers gather and try to help her out, express sympathy for her fate, and generally make her the star of her own hit drama show, maybe even making the nightly news. Although she won't admit it, she's secretly upset when a knight finally shows up, pulls her out, and all the villagers leave and quickly forget about her. Heck, she may even refuse the first few knights that come around, just so she can stay in the quicksand longer, until she's gasping for breath and about to be swallowed up completely. The knight who eventually saves her is perplexed because instead of a kiss, all he gets is an angry stare for his good deed.
- This girl, when she hears that there's quicksand on a specific road, actually detours to take that road, then deliberately jumps in the quicksand. Why would anyone do such a thing? Because she's been rescued in the past so she thinks the risk of actually dying is low (there'll always be a knight around somewhere, right?), and until then, she loves the attention and being the center of all this drama. Indeed, as soon as she's pulled out by a knight, she goes looking for the next quicksand puddle to jump into. To her finding quicksand is far more important than figuring out where she's going and which road is the best one to get her there. If you decide to be her knight, you will spend the rest of your life getting panicked calls to come pull her out of quicksand that she's deliberately jumped into. Even if the sex afterwards is great, you will quickly become miserable with your life.
With that breakdown of the different types, the key to this story is to reverse the scenario: imagine now that you're a knight, with a weakness for Damsels in Distress. You hope you can find one, rescue her once, and she'll fall madly in love with you and you'll live happily ever after. IOW, you're hoping to find #3. To do so, you need to flip things around: when you come upon a random Damsel in Distress flailing around in quicksand, which one of the above 5 is she most likely to be? Even if all 5 are evenly represented among the women in this kingdom (which in real life, they're not), for any random DiD you come upon, which one of those 5 is she most likely to be?
- She will never be #1, because those damsels are never in distress.
- It's highly unlikely that she's #2, because she's usually pulled herself out before you even arrive.
- It may be #3 (your dream girl), but remember, these damsels don't fall in quicksand very often, because they're not actively seeking it, and they get pulled out by the first knight that comes along, which means chances are, she's already gone by the time you come by.
- That leaves #4, who enjoys being in the quicksand, and resents you for pulling her out, and especially:
- #5, who enjoys it so much that she actively seeks it out.
So regardless of their distribution in the population, the distribution of damsels that you happen to find in quicksand at any given time is dominated by types 4 and 5, which will lead to misery for you.
Okay. Enough about knights and damsels. What does this mean for the real world? It means that when you come upon a Damsel in Distress, you must realize that the chances are highly likely that the Distress was self-inflicted, she enjoys it, and will likely resent you for resolving it for her. If she's crying about her boyfriend cheating on her, understand that she most likely knew that was the type of guy he was when they started dating, but she decided to date him anyway because it means she will always be "superior" to him in the relationship i.e., she threw herself in that quicksand willingly. Or, she likes the attention she gets when she's crying, the sympathy from her friends for being "wronged" by her bf, and will not appreciate it if you solve her problem and cut short her moment in the sympathy spotlight. The chances of you actually finding a "good" DiD are exceedingly low.
So there you have it. While every knight hopes for #1, 2, or 3, those are not the most frequent damsels found in distress. Most distress is willingly self-inflicted, even desired, by women, despite their protestations about how awful they feel. They are not looking for your help, and if you do help them, chances are, they will hate you for it even as you spend your life rescuing them, an increasingly tiresome chore. So stop looking for damsels in distress, and start figuring out where #1, 2, and 3 hang out. Usually, they'll be nowhere near quicksand.
(Also, knights go to battle and get slaughtered. Do not be one just to indulge your rescue fantasies.)
LoreleiLeigh123 2y ago
I want to add a type 6 whereby the white knight rescues the damsel causing the damsel to experience the Spanish language emotion of malagradecida, an emotion best translated as resentment or "bad gratitude". The unfortunate damsel surely needed the help at one particular moment in the past, but her pride has been hurt in the process; she has now been made to feel she is less than someone else. She experiences the constant "help" from the white knight as further examples him showing off his superiority, and as an ongoing assault on her self esteem. She sees him as using his assets, intellect and abilities as a form of control and manipulation, and a belittlement of herself. The power imbalance between them can best be rectified if she takes him down a peg or two. Cheating, lying or stealing might level the playing field, she wants to see all his best efforts fail. She ridicules him to her friends as a mark, a target, a human ATM machine, and a necessary pit stop on her path to success. In psychology these actions are described as compensatory to her flagging self esteem. The real reason why the white knight is helping her is a tactic born of his frustrated sexual motivations; on a personal level he is not a great guy. His actions are hardly selfless, they are directly related to his inability to get pussy from any woman who wasn't broken or in dire need. That's precisely why the white knight seeks out power imbalance relationships, so he can avail himself of some unfortunate creature who has little ability to say "no" to his advances. If any woman didn't need the bills paid each month, or if she had any financial alternative, she wouldn't be doing anything with this guy. That's why it's called a blow job, not a blow volunteer. Plenty of people with money are mediocre human beings. It was the white knight himself who put himself "out there" in that way, hitting on various desperate women until he finally found one who capitulated to his superior finances and was willing to use him for cash and favors (on a barter swap). In a way, you could say she earned the money, if you want to look at it that way. He is not innocent, he is half of this dysfunctional equation. He set in motion the overall relationship dynamic by baiting desperate women with money. He enjoyed the sex his miserable victim provided. He substituted the idea of big money to fill the gap of his shitty personality and ugly looks. Where does that leave the unlucky damsel? She is trapped, humping a guy she hates, trapped in a sex abuse nightmare when she needs the basic things of life. If she won the mega millions lottery drawing, I am sure she would leave the same day. The white knight needs to work on himself and start taking some responsibility for his rescue ranging tendencies.
Rayzor_debiker 2y ago
"good drama, like fighting over who gets to suck you cock first"..
Guess I've never experienced good drama in my life.
MaxwellsMommyMilkers 2y ago
Woman on my facebook feed was lamenting that as she ages she is "becoming invisible" and that young men will no longer due her any favors or help her out. She concludes that this is patriarchy because her looks should have nothing to do with whether people help her out.
[deleted] 2y ago
[removed]
ogrilla99 Mod 2y ago
No, not true. Actually, the point of my post is, *don't* seek out damsels in distress. *do* seek out women in groups #1 and #2. And those women aren't found by looking for women needing a man's help to get out of quicksand.
You're not a bitch for being self sufficient. I never said that. *But*, and this is a big but, if being self sufficient means you cop an attitude that men are useless and you don't need no man, then, yeah, that bitchy attitude will drive away good men.
So how can you be self sufficient and not be a bitch? The key is to understand what I mean by quicksand. It's the bullshit drama and stupid ways that women sabotage themselves and then hope a man will rescue them. The catfights with their frenemies, getting tangled in MLM get-rich-quick schemes that leaves you in debt, even things like having a baby with a shitty guy just because he gives you the tingles. I'm telling men not to rescue women caught in that type of quicksand, because many of them will just jump into the next pile of steaming bullshit that they run into because they like the attention and sympathy they get out of it.
A woman who doesn't need a man to pull her out of quicksand can still need a man for other things. A self sufficient woman still needs a man if she wants a family, and/or children. Even if she's financially stable herself, she can still want a man for a lifelong partner, recognizing that as good as her life is right now, it could be even better if she lets the right man in it. Yes, a man wants to feel needed in a relationship. Just like a woman. My point is, men (and women) should be wanted / needed for the right reasons. If, as a man, you're needed by a woman to constantly bail her out of jail, I guess that's a kind of need, but my advice is don't do it. Cut her loose. But if you find a woman who needs you, wants you, to build an amazing, fulfilling life that could make both of you happy, then by all means go for it.
Do you see the difference?
[deleted] 2y ago
Don't rescue a woman, period.
If I'm not banging her, related to her, or being paid, I'm not helping her. Period. End of discussion.
If you're not my wife, girlfriend, FWB, FB, daughter, mother, sister, niece, or client, I'm not helping you at all.
Hard-Truth7 2y ago
Also #2 type girls will more likely put up some initial resistance if you try to help them (cause they want to get out of the quicksand themselves) so saving them might not even really benefit you in regards to relationship points (would benefit you as a Good Samaritan but that’s not what we’re talking about here)
NoonTimeHoopsMVP 2y ago
I learned this lesson back in college. A high school friend of mine, a girl, slimmed down from pleasantly plump to pretty hot. Irish redhead with apple cheeks. Any way, I was off at college several hours away and she stayed home at the local college. Never had any real romantic interest in her. So after she became conventionally attractive, she hooked up with the Chad in her reenactor group. You know the song. She wanted a relationship. He wanted sex. Well, she gave up the sex but didn't receive the relationship. I spent too much time consoling her after it. She asked why wouldn't he commit? I said because you gave away the only thing he wanted for free. He wasn't interested in love and affection. So either leave him or accept it. She got mad about my honest response and cut off contact for a year. She wanted me to reassure her not provide actual advice for resolving the situation. She later contacted me but the friendship hasn't been the same (just random snapchats of her cat).
She didn't want to be rescued from her situation. Most women don't. Because they put themselves in those situations.
Goldmansachs3030 2y ago
Never have i ever, benefitted from helping a girl.They think its obligatory, but reciprocation is a concept alien to them.
Mundane_Worldliness7 2y ago
It was posted on here recently about one in our subs (a member of the USMC at the time) who was nearly arrested for trying to help such a woman. She was being beat up on bus, he intervened only for her to tell the cops that he started it. To such women, their boyfriend is god, everyone else is just a tool. Thus, she’d have happily seen our bro get sent to jail, had it brought her some love from her boyfriend, within a week she’d have forgot his name and only remembered him as the loser who went to jail for her boyfriend.
Dean_Clean 2y ago
This is 100% true IMHO, and likely because they've likely always been types 4 and 5. This includes my sister. It should also be pointed out that types 4 and 5 fall into the realm of Narcissism due to the unending need for overt attention. Either I have helped a woman and gotten no reciprocity or I got some benefit for a while, but the consequences ended up being far more than any benefit. So a net negative. I helped a female friend get hired on with a company, and afterwards nothing. Reciprocity is even a trait found in primates, so whether you help a man or a woman, it's the right thing to do. If I help a guy, they often reciprocate in some way. Women? Almost never. Even if I help a female colleague, I now have to specify in advance what the payback needs to be or they'll never think to give anything back. Barely even basic appreciation. Lastly, I never really did nice things for women even expecting any kind of reciprocity, but over the years, the time and effort adds up and you realize it is really just wasted time that could be better spent on something productive or with some kind of ROI.
[deleted] 2y ago
Fuck yes. And it’s not even the “I did x, now you owe me sex” or whatever bullshit they’ll claim it is. A genuine “thank you!” would be great. Instead, you’ll get a half hearted “thanks” that she says while she’s focused on her computer screen with her back turned to you, and it will never come up again. And no matter how many times you do it, you won’t get a thank you card on your desk or a quick email saying that she appreciates your help. You won’t even exist.
But goddamn. As soon as they need help suddenly you’re the most important guy in the office.
therealpkg 2y ago
Don't save her. She don't wanna be saved.
Siddyf 2y ago
You will have a kind of resentment on you she will save for no one else…
kidruhil 2y ago
If a chick isn't family or someone I'm already in a relationship with, her problems are her problems and idgaf.
limpingrobot 2y ago
I’m not really sold even if they are family. I have a niece who is 33, has no skills, no higher education, no curiosity, no drive, no femininity, no job, and of course no money. She is tatted up, butch all the way, overweight, and disagreeable. If someone won’t even try to better their own life, who am I to try to better it for them?
kidruhil 2y ago
Good point. I meant my own nuclear family (parents, siblings, and of course my own children). Extended family- yes I care about them but I'm not gonna jeopardize my own nuclear families safety and resources to help some dumb bitch of a cousin.
BeholdTheHair 2y ago
You too, eh?
I'd probably piss on my sister if she were on fire, but mostly only because I know my parents would be upset if she were gone.
Not because I hate her or wish her ill or anything, I just have no interest in saving her from herself. She insists on living in a thoroughly selfish and self-destructive manner, who am I to stand in her way?
whyserenity 2y ago
So true. So many are simply walking bad decisions.
KoloGupta 2y ago
This right here.
bestbegreat 2y ago
Mental illness is in all of them. Better to just let them rot . They are spoiled fruit
[deleted] 2y ago
[deleted]
68w92 2y ago
From personal experience, escorts have their head on straight and have way better personalities than 99% of women in the states.
FiftyWaysOfRape 2y ago
OMG yes, I don’t know about in other countries but in my countries prostitution is legal and I had seen few escorts.
They were all clean, professional (pun intended) and didn’t act like a 5 year old and I had some of the most amazing/ interesting conversations with them.
moorekom Mod 2y ago
I upvoted just for your username, you glorious bastard.
PS: Was fiftyshadesofrape taken?
FiftyWaysOfRape 2y ago
Thanks. No it wasn’t taken, TBH I didn’t come up with my username, I saw it inside one of posts (when the film first came out) on TRP sub years ago.
I should also mention I am in no any shape or form support/condone actual legitimate rape/sexual assault. My username is just a way of making fun of the novel/film.
TP_Crisis_2020 2y ago
Hey, at least you don't have a name like /u/iRape4Sport
moorekom Mod 2y ago
I understand that distinction. But, with reddit being reddit, I also understand that it is necessary for you to jump through these hoops.
I hope to see you contributing more here and in the main sub so that we can provide you a custom flair to go with your username.
cc: u/typo-magashiv
FiftyWaysOfRape 2y ago
Will do, I tag you /PM you for my next comment on the main sub
Typo-MAGAshiv Mod 2y ago
Agreed. One shouldn't even joke about such things.
Tag /u/FiftyWaysOfRape
moorekom Mod 2y ago
Lol.
HedgeRunner 2y ago
I prefer 1 but pretty rare to find. In my own experience, 4 is the most common where she's very good at spotting the difference between good guys and assholes where she gets "tingles". She usually keeps the good guys around to be her shrink while telling them about her adventures with assholes.
I had a girl that I turned down become 4 and because I turned her down, I was more friendly to help her psychologically but eventually it was evident that I can't be her therapist and even if I could do it, I simply didn't want to because she wasn't at all interested in improving herself.
I had to ghost her afterwards because she was becoming increasingly warm and touchy after she realized what I'm doing.
I do think sometimes we are too harsh on women overall but with certain specific type of women, we are not harsh enough.
Cheers.
omegajelly200 2y ago
She also keeps good guys around to be 'safe choices' and 'backup boyfriends', hence her being so creepily and ambiguously girlfriendish with them but refuses kisses or sex, just keeping the guys thirsty enough but never letting them get what they want in the Friend Zone.
She is not interested in them, but doesn't want to let them go either because these guys usually are well-adjusted and have stable lives. The ones she gets tingles for are not husband material.
OwenWentFullMGTOW 2y ago
Men have an instinct to protect and provide for a woman. Strangely enough, women seem to understand that better than men do.
If I see a female family member in dire need of help, I'll help. Because that's what family does.
But everyone else is on their own. I've risen above my instinct.
monkeymanwasd123 2y ago
That would seemingly be be orderliness and agreeableness speaking clinically Women are higher in both but men who tend to become successful in life and romance will tend to be high in orderliness and disagreeableness. On average humans are super agreeable in so far as how we will care for pets dispite them not being human
CriticalEscapeBike 2y ago
Dude....you need to write a fucking book!!!!
That is some good stuff!
(The guy that wrote the very first "Hot / Crazy Matrix" needs to put your treatise on a whiteboard: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkYNiKXf4ZI )
moorekom Mod 2y ago
u/ogrilla99
Please post a copy of this to forums.red Watgma.
https://www.forums.red/i/whereallthegoodmenare
ogrilla99 Mod 2y ago
Thanks. Just did:
https://www.forums.red/p/whereallthegoodmenare/275975/do\_not\_rescue\_a\_damsel\_in\_distress
[deleted] 2y ago
Married women are the worst Damsels in Distress. They talk about how their husbands are tyrants and their children shit all over them and how much they sacrifice without any appreciation and they just need a hug.
I found myself strangely attracted to married women for the longest time, but eventually, I realized they're still women, and if they're not getting that drama from home, they're looking for it elsewhere. If things are really that bad at home, they can just walk away.
Which makes them the most dangerous Damsels in Distress. Even though some men may look at them and say, "Oh, she's married. Leave her alone." They still crave that attention, and will prey on some unaware sap stupid enough to fall into her thirst trap. With that, comes the risk of some pissed off husband showing up at your doorstep with a 9mm.
IllegalCrabSmuggler 2y ago
Something else to add is that she thinks of the whiteknight as a "mark", an easily manipulable gullible fool who does not understand that she is playing on his empathy and rescuer buttons. She only has respect for those who don't save her.
TP_Crisis_2020 2y ago
I don't even know if I'd go that far with it. Someone like #4 or #5 I think doesn't have respect for anybody.
68w92 2y ago