A recent post reminded me to share this with the community.
I am a single father. And it is amazing!
Before I get into it, here are a few notes and disclaimers:
-
Quick background: Met my wife in college, fell in love, got married, had babies, got divorced. Less than two years after divorce, she went down a bad path and died of a brain aneurysm bought on by smoking and other substances according to the doctor. This left me with three children and a pile of legal, financial, and emotional shit to clean up.
-
Another important note: Since we had only recently divorced, I knew exactly who my real friends and family were - on her side of the family, and mine. Supportive people matter a LOT.
- Finally: My kids were all walking, talking, and potty trained. I cannot emphasize how fucking miserable it would have been dealing with that all alone. I would have done it gladly - in fact I did, just not alone. You get the idea. My kids were old enough to shower and get dressed by themselves. HUGE factor to keep in mind as I brag shamelessly from here on out.
Now to my main points. Here is why being a single FATHER is awesome.
-
No woman! Women are chaotic. Whether you like Jordan Peterson or not, you might want to check out his work on this topic. Yes, women can inspire us and spur great change in our lives. But they can wreak havoc as well. When it comes to raising children over five years old, that chaotic energy can damage kids (and relationships).
-
Autonomy! When I say "Children, it's time for bed" They rarely complain now. Why not? Because I said so. I have never hit my kids (aside from a swat on the bum for slapping mom in the face during a tantrum), and I can count on one hand the number of times I have yelled at them. So how do I do it? First of all ,I am consistent and enforce the rules even when I do not want to. Also, I let them negotiate! When I first said "bed time is at 8:30 PM now" they came back with "but mom let us stay up later..." I listened and then repeated "bed time is at 8:30. Now go upstairs and get ready. I love you and I will think about giving you an extra 15 minutes if you get into bed cleaned up and teeth brushed on time." You never saw so many "thank you Daddy's" in your life. They have no one to play against me now, so my word is the final word. And all I have to do is give a tiny bit of leeway (15 minutes later on bedtime) and they act like they hit the freaking lottery. And it costs $zero. Also teaches them how to negotiate as a side benefit.
-
Financial Control: I make all the financial decisions and I am good at it. I recently purchased a small farm in the mountains a few hours from where I live and we go there and work on refurbishing it most weekends. I save, invest wisely, and spend frugally. Along the way we have beach vacations, ski vacations, and summer camp, and martial arts lessons, and gymnastics lessons, etc. It all works out because control is centralized. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING gets past me. There is no "my money" and "your money" It is all family income and there is one CFO. ME. This is huge.
- Outsourcing: While I was married, chores were a source of conflict. (Who does what, how much, etc.) It's like her feminist coworkers worked on her for 8 hours a day and she would come home and suddenly I was the evil Patriarch bent on subjugating her - despite the fact that I also did dishes a few days a week too! This was no fun gents. Trust me: If you have not experienced this ridiculous crap, count yourself lucky.
So nowadays:
- I hire a woman who comes once a week to do laundry, clean bathrooms, dust, mop, and deep clean. Probably the best money I spend.
- I get a massage from time to time (inb4 happy ending: I get it at the local mall in an open area. Perverts). No need to ask a wife who begrudgingly complies when she feels she has to.
- I order out. We get takeout food an average of 3-4 times a week. But it is local and incredibly cheap. For example, I will order meatballs and sausage from a place a block from me. I boil spaghetti, and for $7, I feed my whole family. There are many ways to do things like this for super cheap. Either way, I do not have anyone holding this over me. Two of the restaurants are owned by women.
- If I need a female perspective on something, I can ask a female friend. At work, this has to be done carefully for obvious reasons, but it is available to me. I am no longer beholden to just one woman in that way.
- I have used babysitters many times in the past. If I wanted to go out for an evening, which is rare, I could easily call on any one of 5-7 women who would gladly watch the kids.
- My barber is a woman. My old guy left and she sort of slid right in there.
You get the idea. The things that a traditional wife might have done in the past can easily be outsourced to other women. Not only is it less expensive this way, my requests are met with good will - not received as a demand or laden with some quid pro quo from her. I get a service, I pay, everyone is happy.
Last December, I gave my cleaning lady, for example, her annual bonus/tip. It was pretty generous, but she does a kick ass job. She quickly hugged me and gave me an enthusiastic "THANK YOU!" It was so spontaneous and heartfelt, and it was endearing. In fact, all the tips I give are met with a smile and a thank you. ALL of the women who provide services for me are super nice and they seem to genuinely appreciate my business. In fact, I sense that they all like me as a customer. I am fair, friendly, and slightly more generous with tips than others. That goes a long way in terms of good will.
Try that with a wife.
5). Direction: Finally, we have a clear and singular direction as a family. This mess has pulled us all closer - especially the kids to each other. Divorce did some damage, but it has somehow all worked out. In fact, in some ways they are better than ever before. These days I spend most of my parenting time explaining things like strategy and values (among many other things).
6). Authentic Love: I never coerce them into hugging me, or saying they love me, or any of that motherly sort of strangeness that many cultures seem to embrace. They know that I love them unconditionally, unlike when some parents passive-aggressively pull love, affection, or attention away when they are angry "Ok. You don't listen to me? FINE" (cough cough, women, cough). They also know deep that my work is all about THEM, not setting things up so they feel guilty and compelled to take care of me in old age (cough - women - cough). I work hard to earn their respect, and they explicitly know this.
Somehow, despite our massive loss, they are happy, healthy and fun to be around. We are not friends, but we play together a lot. They ask for it most times! Yes, we are normal, and yes we have have had our share of tough moments, but all in all things are truly awesome.
So when a woman posts about how hard it is to be a single mother, I can't even fathom what that looks or feels like. When it is all about YOU, then I bet it does suck!
But when you truly love your children, and you want what's best for them, and you spent your early years busting your ass to build assets and income, it is a truly beautiful experience. Kids need structure, not emotional chaos.
For some, single parenthood is a nightmare.
For others, it is a blessing.
Cheers.
Edit: Grammar.
[deleted] 3y ago
No, DD1.
You're not a true single parent if you aren't on 5 different dating sites demanding that a woman marry you right now because you are such a catch.
You're not really a single parent. You're not demanding the world recognize you as a superhero and as a tragic victim of mean, cruel, heartless people - at the same time.
You're not demanding that the world give you free shit.
You're not on video talking to a news reporter from a hotel room saying "someone got to be held accountable, and someone got to pay for all this."
You're not flaunting your package on dating sites talking about how your children are your world.
You're not bailing out your son from the county lock up or paying for your daughter's abortion. Nah, i don't believe you're a single parent.
Seriously - children do better with single fathers than they do with single mothers. That's just how it is.
DeeplyDisturbed1 3y ago
Damn, You had me at first!
Then saw it was you and followed you from there.
You have a way with words my friend! Dare I say "you are fluent in sarcasm!"
Ha! I am a scumbag - you come here to back me up, and I insult you. Sorry bro.
BigBoiBahmani 3y ago
Well good sir, do you feel your daughter (if you have one, or else, please give me your thoughts on the matter) will get distant when she turns older? I have seen many girls including my sisters and cousins do so. How do you think you will/would deal with that? Wouldn't she need a motherly figure at that point of time to make sure she doesn't turn to immoral things behind your back ?
(Trust me girls these days are very good at that; that is, doing things behind your back. And she can, to varying extents, no matter what you do to prevent it, I can assure you of that.)
Please do comment on that. May God bless you and your family.
Sincerely,
20 Year Old Guy.
DeeplyDisturbed1 3y ago
I keep my daughter close. There is a lot to say about how this is done. But like my other children, I will keep her close by giving advice and letting her make her own mistakes. She WILL become distant. There is no fighting this.
And when that happens, I will still be here for her. She is my blood and I will always back her up no matter what.
She also knows already that I would be crushed if she were to become a single mother, or do drugs, etc. I would accept her back home and it would crush us all financially.
She knows this and now she can proceed as she sees fit.
I trust her.
On another note: She has little female influence which is exactly why I trust her. Women around us are almost all some version of self righteous morons.
battyryder 3y ago
Dude, am choking up, awesome.
[deleted] 3y ago
I have been raised by my mom because I lost my father when I was a baby. I don't even remember him, but he was a good man. My mom hasn't been an authority figure, so since childhood I had a sense of responsibility on my shoulders, and so I have never put forth unnecessary demands or tantrums. This helped in developing a moral compass, but it really messes up with my real world interactions now. So many things like managing finances, negotiation and communication skills that should've been taught in the childhood, are now the chores for me to learn in early adulthood. Also, I really hate that all of my extended family puts her on a pedestal and always chastises me to take care of her in her old age, and I will do that, no one needs to explicitly tell me that to my face, it just means that no one trusts me despite all the sacrifices that I make to not make a mess for my family. I respect her for all she has done, but I won't put her on a pedestal, she did her job and I have been doing mine since I gained consciousness. Even today, she behaves immaturely that her colleagues have things that she does not, and I always get mad, that I was never envious of my peers in my childhood, she should be ashamed to feel the same when she in her late 40s. I have just grown distant, and for once after I left for my College, I breathed some fresh air, and was able to get away from all the emotional manipulation. She still uses her leverage over me to get her way, and even though I love her a lot, I always keep my contact bare minimum.
DeeplyDisturbed1 3y ago
This may be THE essence of masculinity. Knowing this, understanding it, and dealing with it in healthy ways is THE answer.
The core strategy of a single-mother
I am the same with my mother. My issue is more about her not influencing my children, but I get you.
Stay strong my friend. It sucks, but in the long run it is all well worth the effort. Ask me how I know.
Final thought: As the saying goes "The best revenge is a life well-lived" We may not be seeking revenge or anything, but live your best life and that has so many rewards that all the rest seems foolish.
BewareTheOldMan 3y ago
Yep - research, long-term studies, and empirical data supports this as fact... " children do better with single fathers than they do with single mothers ."
[deleted] 3y ago
[deleted]
DeeplyDisturbed1 3y ago
Ha! She is not ugly, and if she were I could not bring myself to bag on her. She is not even close to my type.
That sounds like a Seinfeld episode with the housekeeper. No way. I would loser her after about 6 months when she would start seeing herself as my woman and trying to get up in my grill about house things. Not happening. in fact, my whole post was about avoiding that with ALL women, not just my ex. That includes in-laws (who I still see quite a bit), mother and sisters (who I never see anymore), and any other female. No need for that.
Like I said, things are pure bliss right now and I would be a fool to ruin this.
Yes I am dating someone. But she comes over a few times a week and sleeps over and then goes back home. It has been that way for 5 years and it has been mostly good. When she gets nasty, I kick her ass out. I did it the other day. She hates it but she keeps coming back for some odd reason!
But make no mistake - I have very clear boundaries with her. She knows the no-go zones and she respects them. It helps that she is a lot younger than me, so she has this built in respect thing, which is good. But she is a LEO, so she takes no shit either. She can shoot me at will! So it's like a dance.
Final thought: The last time I did online dating about 7 years ago, I did pretty well. From what I hear, it is a shit show out there. So I prefer to meet people in-person, old school style. it's how I met this one.
loneliness-inc Mod 3y ago
Are you suggesting that <gasp> you're getting by just fine without a
supervisorwoman in your life???Such muh soggy knees!!!
NohoTwoPointOh 3y ago
On your second point, my parenting style is unapologetically authoritative. Certain things like manners and the treatment of others could even be called authoritarian. On these matters, there is no room for discussion outside of explaining why manners are important.
The result? Fun and harmony. Within the boundaries of the rules, anything goes. It allows my child to go nuts and explore their world and not have to worry about the fickle and elastic nature of a mother. It also allows us to have a more "grown-up" relationship. In things where they can be adult-like, I hold such an expectation. 99.9999% of the time, they rise to the challenge. I heap great praise on them and then we act like fucking little kids. When they don't, I explain things to them on an adult level, always reinforcing love and the reasons behind my expectations of their behavior.
Quite enjoyable, actually. When I hear women complain about these things, all I can think of is "what a lazy, selfish piece of grabastic shit you are." How fortunate can you be to get an enjoyable duty. And yet they complain about that??????
Your parenting style seems very similar to mine. Bravo!!!!!
DeeplyDisturbed1 3y ago
Thanks. And good on you. This is wisdom of the ages, not a fad or trend or my personal opinion. I would just rather they learn on their own so I can get on with other things. But my main, and perhaps only job is to teach them how to be good human beings.
Also:
You former military? That's common slang for Army dogs.
NohoTwoPointOh 3y ago
Absolutely. Not only has that term crossed branches, but it also might be heard outside the USA.
I hear so many mothers talk about "Ayden is my best friend!" This is exactly why Ayden will have terrible outcomes. Guide? Mentor? Leader? Model? Sure.
Friend? Not until you have your own place and are supporting yourself on your own. Then we can pour a cold one an diddy-bop like drinkin' buds. By then, I might be in a bit of a subordinate role and will be learning from them. That is, if I did my job right. I pray I live to see that day.
Thank you for sharing your style and techniques with us!
DeeplyDisturbed1 3y ago
Perfect! And that is how it is meant to be. If we live long enough to see our children surpass us, what is sweeter and more satisfying than that?
I was a USMC infantryman many years ago. So thanks for your service brother.
NohoTwoPointOh 3y ago
And to you, oh-three!!!!
dorballom09 3y ago
One part of your post hit me. Its about being grateful for all those little things. When you give that tips, people who work for you feels thankful and appreciate it. But many people(wife in your case) dont. They take little help and support here and there for granted when it should be appreciated. That little smile of acknowledgement that you get at the end of the day after a tired working day means the world to men. It keeps them going for another tiring day tomorrow.
DeeplyDisturbed1 3y ago
Here's to that!
Well said. Thanks.
bigbadjohnsnow 3y ago
I must say, even though I don’t have kids I respect the bedtime negotiation aspect. It both establishes the law but let’s them know that you are open to changing things based on their behavior. It teaches them responsibility. Kudos to you.
DeeplyDisturbed1 3y ago
Thanks. Honestly, they know that when they stay awake late, they feel like shit the next day. So the sales job is a bit easier.
I make them turn off electronics these days at 9pm, but they can stay awake and read or just lay there.
If I were to let them stay awake until 10:00 PM, and I enforced the bedtime strictly, they would grumble and complain. Ask me how I know this!
But make it 9:00 and give them 10 extra minutes and they act like I just bought them a new puppy.
Kids. Go figure.
goodmansaysfuckyou Mod 3y ago
I'm not going to get into all the dramatic bullshit that was my marriage and the issues arising from it. For a while I was a single father with full custody of my kids. My kids are now both over 18, finished with high school, and started college; but still live with me and are supported by me.
With that being said, I can agree wholeheartedly with all of the points that you have made. Life is soooooooo much easier without a woman around. It is cheaper, more fun, my kids are healthier without that toxic attitude to poison them. My kids became more social and started participating in school and community activities. Even though I work a lot and my kids have school and jobs...we get to spend more time together.
More importantly...my kids actually want to hang around with me. They are dating and bring their dates around the house instead of being secretive about everything. They begrudgingly go see their mother 1 weekend per month. To me that says a lot more than any 'single mother' could claim.
For me, single parenthood is a blessing.
DeeplyDisturbed1 3y ago
Fuck yeah! Great story. Thanks for sharing it. I can tell we had similar experiences.
Although I have to always be honest - my wife was a good woman in every sense of the word. Until the very end she did zero shady or deceptive crap. It wasn't until she got a new job with a bunch of strongly feminist women that she started to change.
That's the saddest scariest thing of all - that you can have one of the truly good women in the world and they can so easily be turned to AWALT.
Thanks again. Good on you for being a good father.
Our stories are getting out there and that is a good thing.
Cheers!
BigBoiBahmani 3y ago
"That's the saddest scariest thing of all - that you can have one of the truly good women in the world and they can so easily be turned to AWALT. "
​
Don't I know it!
And don't laugh, It can happen to you.
rpwc99 3y ago
Mah man...
DeeplyDisturbed1 3y ago
Nah man what?
NohoTwoPointOh 3y ago
Mah as in "my". He's complementing you.
DeeplyDisturbed1 3y ago
Oh! I am old and blind.
That's my excuse anyway.
silly_birb 3y ago
Your story with making kids follow your rules made me remember of the two sons of Arnold Schwarznegger.
The one living with the mother is a fat guy while the other is living with Arnold is a stud full of muscles.
DeeplyDisturbed1 3y ago
Good point. Children need a few simple things at a minimum. Love, discipline, fun, and structure.
It is really easy. You just have to be fair and consistent with it. Kids know when a parents is full of shit. Sooner or later that comes out.
[deleted] 3y ago
[removed]
DeeplyDisturbed1 3y ago
There is a difference between "can't handle" and "refuse to tolerate".
But I don't suspect you would understand.