A recent post reminded me to share this with the community.

I am a single father. And it is amazing!

Before I get into it, here are a few notes and disclaimers:

1. Quick background: Met my wife in college, fell in love, got married, had babies, got divorced. Less than two years after divorce, she went down a bad path and died of a brain aneurysm bought on by smoking and other substances according to the doctor. This left me with three children and a pile of legal, financial, and emotional shit to clean up.

2. Another important note: Since we had only recently divorced, I knew exactly who my real friends and family were - on her side of the family, and mine. Supportive people matter a LOT.

3. Finally: My kids were all walking, talking, and potty trained. I cannot emphasize how fucking miserable it would have been dealing with that all alone. I would have done it gladly - in fact I did, just not alone. You get the idea. My kids were old enough to shower and get dressed by themselves. HUGE factor to keep in mind as I brag shamelessly from here on out.

Now to my main points. Here is why being a single FATHER is awesome.

1. No woman! Women are chaotic. Whether you like Jordan Peterson or not, you might want to check out his work on this topic. Yes, women can inspire us and spur great change in our lives. But they can wreak havoc as well. When it comes to raising children over five years old, that chaotic energy can damage kids (and relationships).

2. Autonomy! When I say "Children, it's time for bed" They rarely complain now. Why not? Because I said so. I have never hit my kids (aside from a swat on the bum for slapping mom in the face during a tantrum), and I can count on one hand the number of times I have yelled at them. So how do I do it? First of all ,I am consistent and enforce the rules even when I do not want to. Also, I let them negotiate! When I first said "bed time is at 8:30 PM now" they came back with "but mom let us stay up later..." I listened and then repeated "bed time is at 8:30. Now go upstairs and get ready. I love you and I will think about giving you an extra 15 minutes if you get into bed cleaned up and teeth brushed on time." You never saw so many "thank you Daddy's" in your life. They have no one to play against me now, so my word is the final word. And all I have to do is give a tiny bit of leeway (15 minutes later on bedtime) and they act like they hit the freaking lottery. And it costs $zero. Also teaches them how to negotiate as a side benefit.

3. Financial Control: I make all the financial decisions and I am good at it. I recently purchased a small farm in the mountains a few hours from where I live and we go there and work on refurbishing it most weekends. I save, invest wisely, and spend frugally. Along the way we have beach vacations, ski vacations, and summer camp, and martial arts lessons, and gymnastics lessons, etc. It all works out because control is centralized. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING gets past me. There is no "my money" and "your money" It is all family income and there is one CFO. ME. This is huge.

4. Outsourcing: While I was married, chores were a source of conflict. (Who does what, how much, etc.) It's like her feminist coworkers worked on her for 8 hours a day and she would come home and suddenly I was the evil Patriarch bent on subjugating her - despite the fact that I also did dishes a few days a week too! This was no fun gents. Trust me: If you have not experienced this ridiculous crap, count yourself lucky.

So nowadays:

• I hire a woman who comes once a week to do laundry, clean bathrooms, dust, mop, and deep clean. Probably the best money I spend.
• I get a massage from time to time (inb4 happy ending: I get it at the local mall in an open area. Perverts). No need to ask a wife who begrudgingly complies when she feels she has to.
• I order out. We get takeout food an average of 3-4 times a week. But it is local and incredibly cheap. For example, I will order meatballs and sausage from a place a block from me. I boil spaghetti, and for $7, I feed my whole family. There are many ways to do things like this for super cheap. Either way, I do not have anyone holding this over me. Two of the restaurants are owned by women.
  • If I need a female perspective on something, I can ask a female friend. At work, this has to be done carefully for obvious reasons, but it is available to me. I am no longer beholden to just one woman in that way.
  • I have used babysitters many times in the past. If I wanted to go out for an evening, which is rare, I could easily call on any one of 5-7 women who would gladly watch the kids.
  • My barber is a woman. My old guy left and she sort of slid right in there.

You get the idea. The things that a traditional wife might have done in the past can easily be outsourced to other women. Not only is it less expensive this way, my requests are met with good will - not received as a demand or laden with some quid pro quo from her. I get a service, I pay, everyone is happy.

Last December, I gave my cleaning lady, for example, her annual bonus/tip. It was pretty generous, but she does a kick ass job. She quickly hugged me and gave me an enthusiastic "THANK YOU!" It was so spontaneous and heartfelt, and it was endearing. In fact, all the tips I give are met with a smile and a thank you. ALL of the women who provide services for me are super nice and they seem to genuinely appreciate my business. In fact, I sense that they all like me as a customer. I am fair, friendly, and slightly more generous with tips than others. That goes a long way in terms of good will.

Try that with a wife.

5). Direction: Finally, we have a clear and singular direction as a family. This mess has pulled us all closer - especially the kids to each other. Divorce did some damage, but it has somehow all worked out. In fact, in some ways they are better than ever before. These days I spend most of my parenting time explaining things like strategy and values (among many other things).

6). Authentic Love: I never coerce them into hugging me, or saying they love me, or any of that motherly sort of strangeness that many cultures seem to embrace. They know that I love them unconditionally, unlike when some parents passive-aggressively pull love, affection, or attention away when they are angry "Ok. You don't listen to me? FINE" (cough cough, women, cough). They also know deep that my work is all about THEM, not setting things up so they feel guilty and compelled to take care of me in old age (cough - women - cough). I work hard to earn their respect, and they explicitly know this.

Somehow, despite our massive loss, they are happy, healthy and fun to be around. We are not friends, but we play together a lot. They ask for it most times! Yes, we are normal, and yes we have have had our share of tough moments, but all in all things are truly awesome.

So when a woman posts about how hard it is to be a single mother, I can't even fathom what that looks or feels like. When it is all about YOU, then I bet it does suck!

But when you truly love your children, and you want what's best for them, and you spent your early years busting your ass to build assets and income, it is a truly beautiful experience. Kids need structure, not emotional chaos.

For some, single parenthood is a nightmare.

For others, it is a blessing.

Cheers.

Edit: Grammar.