As Red Pill's Chief Bro Scientist it is my duty to help the men of Red Pill maximize their gains, Tinder matches and Black Knight debauchery. Since January is New Year's Resolution month, my focus is going to be making Blue Pill's problem bigger, stronger, and more intimidating. In fact I've been getting private messages all month requesting a fitness article, so I guess I have no choice but to give the people what they want. While I could do another basic beginner guide I'm confident that most of you are more than ready for more advanced material. So without further adieu, GayLubeoil Red Pill's most upvoted contributor of 2015 proudly presents his guide to avoiding Snap City and Making Gains. Enjoy.

Food is the Answer: To be a professional bodybuilder you need about $20k a year of growth hormone and rejuvenating oils. The problem is that shit ain't cheap. Sure you could work a nine to five job but that would cut into your cooking, eating, training, and sleeping time. You could make money the Kai Green grapefruit way, do cam shows like Matt Ogus or maybe even go full Gregg Kovaks. However, selling butt to gay men isn't enough to cover the drug bill. Most professional bodybuilders have to sell their butts to supplement companies. In fact supplement companies not only own bodybuilder's butts but also the shows and magazines that can make and break their careers. Bodybuilders' entire livelihoods depend on pleasing their masters and pushing ineffective overpriced and over hyped products. So do yourself and your kidneys a huge fucking favor stop believing in the bullshit supplement Blue Pill and spend your money on food instead of dat dere Cell -Tech. Congratulations! Now that you're not wasting $50 a month on protein powder you can buy stuff that will actually improve your life. Buy a rice cooker, a George Foreman grill or a crock pot. Girls will gladly trade their tacos for your slow cooked carnitas tacos. GayLubeOil just got you jacked and laid at the same damn time. You're welcome.

Don't be a Thirsty Beta: The fastest way to make yourself a weak beta bitch is to not drink enough water. The scientific basis for this fact should be obvious to anyone who doesn't spend their free time slurping glue and playing with colorful blocks. However, I'm sure there are a few special little boys here, so I'm going to do my best to break it down Barney the Purple Dinosaur style. Your muscle fibers are basically springs that sit in a water envelope that keeps them lubed. When you lift your body pulls water from your blood stream and sends it to your muscles to keep them protected, causing a pump. If you are dehydrated your body will not send extra water to your muscles and you will be significantly weaker. So do yourself a favor and drink more water, it's literally the easiest and cheapest way to make yourself stronger.

Trigger Points: Sometimes individual muscle fibers can't handle stress and get triggered like the fat positive lesbian in your gender studies class. They freeze up, refuse to do any work and marinade in their own lymph fluid, forming painful knots called trigger points. Myofascial Trigger points are basically gain goblins that sit inside your muscles and ruin your hard work. If you deadlift you probably have a bunch in your trapezius muscle. Left untreated Trapezius Trigger points, will cause horrible pain in your back, neck, and shoulders which will fuck up almost all of your upper body exercises. Like wise, you probably have a few trigger points in your glute which may be causing your lower back pain. The only way to release Trigger Points is deep stroke massage. This can be done by your girlfriend, a lacrosse ball, or a hard plastic stick called a theracane. The theracane is by far the best tool for revealing trigger points as girlfriends and lacrosse balls are difficult to direct onto the target area.

Know What the Fuck You're Doing: Most people have no idea how to fully contract their muscles via isolation exercises. Now if you go the Boston Loyd route and put 5cc horse syringes in your butt it doesn't matter. You can herp weights with no regard for muscular tension or form and still grow. If however you are natty, half natty, or YouTube natty, understanding how to properly contract your muscles is critical to your success. When you bicep curl supinate your wrists. Don't cheat with your erectors or hips on row movements. Understand how to fully squeeze your abs for optimal development. There are a million little tips and tricks that I could write. But honestly, invest some time into learning how to actually lift rather than flailing weights mindlessly like a New Years Resolution Retard.

I hope my guide has given you giggles and gains.

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