What can I do to regain confidence, self-respect and learn to internally validate myself and stop being a bitch?
Context:
M24. Broke up with this girl 5 months ago with whom I had an on/off relationship for half a year before that, where she was a plate/fwb of mine. As time went by caught feelings. Found out she hadn’t been sexually exclusive to me in the early stages. She possibly was BPD and she lied a lot. Even though I had experience with women, I was fooled.
Walked away, ghosted. She did everything in her power for me to take her back (without me asking gave up flat keys, phone location, removed guys on socials), just to prove her loyalty.
I did not know better at the time and thought logically I can see her POV. We got into a LTR. Anyway, once I took her back I could not shake 24/7 rumination on where I fucked up (instead of seeing her for what she is). Gradually (since I instinctively cucked myself), I subconsciously began hating myself. I started losing frame. That shit mentally destroyed me. In the end, before I completely lost myself, I broke up with her. She still wants me back.
I have her blocked everywhere, but the fact that I took her back AFTER finding out she hadn’t been mine and mine only (blue pill I know, but instincts nonetheless), made me feel so emasculated that I cannot shake the feeling of hatred for myself ever since – it has been half a year now.
I fucked only 1 other girl a few times after that but that shit didn’t help me at all so I didn’t want to bother anymore with women – because that girl destroyed my confidence and made me feel insecure (I know I derived validation externally with her – and that’s what I seek to change here and am asking for advice).
It got so bad to a point where I decided to quit all vices, I quit smoking after 10 years, haven’t had a drink since. I have a business and it is going great. I train MMA every day and now took my work remote and even went to Thailand to train Muay Thai 2x daily.
On paper my life seems very great and on an amazing trajectory. But in reality, I am a depersonalized robot who hates himself and lives in constant emotional pain. I sound like a bitch and I know that, that’s why I put extreme pressure on myself to beat this bitchiness out of me.
Yet nothing helps?
I don’t understand why I miss her validation so much and the perfect dream RP-relationship scenario I had built in my head which was a fantasy, while way before I didn’t even give 2 fucks about that girl.
I don’t even know if it is oneitis or if it’s just some internal problem I have. It’s been so long it’s pathetic. I do not wallow in that pain, I try to stay active 24/7, but I am just tired of this constant pain I have in my chest from the breakup.
Do I really have to GFTOW? Yet, my confidence is completely killed to go after new girls even though on paper I am much improved since. I would like to fix myself first AND then go game new girls.
What I also do not want to do is seek a shortcut – to fix this issue with more external validation without fixing the core problem. Or is it truly the only way and internal validation doesn’t really exist (and TRP guys who say otherwise just cope)?
Or should I just stick to this disciplined routine I have and one day these feelings will magically fade?
I WANT to learn internal validation (if it even is possible) and I am open for any suggestions to achieve that.
TLDR: Broke up with a girl who fucked someone else back when she was my plate (for whom I later caught oneitis). Allowed to attach my ego/value to her actions. Cannot regain confidence ever since and do not understand why. Want to learn how to internally validate myself and regain confidence, without looking for quick fixes, before I jump into gaming other girls after a long monk mode. Is GFTOW really the only way?
I WISH I could feel anger/rage again like the first time I walked away. After I took her back she gaslit me and my emotional brain blames myself for what she did (her hypergamy), i.e. I was too cold, non-committing, jerk, distant with her and shit.
Any advice helps.
Thank you.
Cynicalvx 1mo ago
Consider what I’m saying OP
Your anxiety system is telling you that something is missing because you got hurt and you’re trying to solve what that is to prevent getting hurt.
‘Unless I can improve on what was the shortfall in me It’s going to happen again’
You know the right decision was to walk when you took her back.
Yes, abundance would have resolved this but you should be able to make the right decision even if you have lesser options by thinking rationally.
What stopped you thinking rationally? Well you found out a chick had been getting bare backed by other guys and took her back.
Why? The likely anxiety and uncertainty from the scenario clouded your thinking.
I can relate to this because it happened to me and I beat the fuck out of myself for ages and went on a mad self improvement scenario trying to fix something in me when really I just needed to let it go on the basis that if I’m in that scenario again I say no or if it’s hard do the appropriate steps to control your mind.
The problem is solved once you realise this.
You didn’t think rational because you were emotionally driven at this event, to make it worse you didn’t realise this. You’re quite conscientious and I can relate to your way of doing things, accountability. I would add that you’ve gotta be a bit more empathetic to yourself and realise when you’re negged out, that would actually be rational rather than just going straight back to improve improve improve. Yes improve. You were rational enough to know you shouldn’t have done it. You didn’t know you were emotionally driven and now you do. Dust down, move on
Alternatively if you did it because your animal and just wanted that sex then improve your rational mind.
alfon335 1mo ago
Wow, what a reply. I will try to internalize this as it does make sense what you are saying, perhaps it really is the core issue. Indeed, even though I did receive some bad advice, in the end I was completely emotional back then and made the bad decision myself. Life didn’t even feel real, I was acting upon the mate guarding instinct, I couldn’t even discipline-through during work, my mind was racing 24/7.
I would also like to add to this, that I think I feel the anxiety also because of the fact that I was severely fooled.
I cannot trust my judgement about people anymore, because it seemed like I had vetted the girl so well and she passed various tests of mine, while simultaneously she was the one chasing me.
That’s what probably scares me, because if I could have been fooled here, who can I even trust (at least in terms of girls)? I have been on the “other side” as the side guy a few times, I am RP-aware and understand all of the concepts, yet I didn’t think I could ever be out-finessed by a seemingly less experienced, non-slutty girl. But I was. Did I miss some not so obvious red flags? (I did)
But I do think you are right, in the end, the anxiety stems from “running away from danger”, i.e. trying to protect from hurt, so it’s the same thing.
I guess it’s not much you can do, just follow certain rules where you bounce at the first sight of any red flags or if you end up in a similar situation (like you are alluding to).
Another way I guess is to fully accept the “she was never yours” idea, however, as a person who cannot not live “in control” this goes against my core instincts and my brain fights hard against the internalization, but maybe with time and maturity I will learn to detach.
Also sometimes what I noticed is that I feel “responsible” for breaking up and “breaking her heart”, i.e. abandoning her like her father. She even reached out to him after a long time no contact when I left her. She even beat herself up. Feeling bad for “alpha-widowing”, but who knows if I even did that or if it was again a front.
It is as if she guilt tripped me and activated this stupid captain save a hoe instinct in me. Fuck I hate some of this built-in male programming…
Anyway, thank you and I would be grateful to hear more on how that realization came about and helped you move on.
Cynicalvx 1mo ago
I cannot trust my judgement about people anymore, because it seemed like I had vetted the girl so well and she passed various tests of mine, while simultaneously she was the one chasing me.
I felt like this, same scenario. You have to figure out how to stop something happening or you’re going to be vulnerable. What did I miss? What should I have known?
The truth is not to focus on outcomes. So if I’m talking to you and we’re negotiating and you do something I don’t like, il warn you appropriately or leave. What I’m saying is shits going to happen faster than you can can analyse it but what you can control is how you respond.
Even if you date a girl and there’s some huge dark behaviour going on behind your back. Pay attention to what you can but at some point you’ve got to just do you and trust yourself to deal with it when the time happens because you own your right to respond.
Confidence comes from knowing the beginning and knowing the end. Best thing to do is consider your responses for when it might be the end.
Now, don’t get an axe out and go 10/10 when someone commits a 5/10 just go 6/10.
What I mean by this is figure out what your responses should be for poor behaviour, bad behaviour and completely unacceptable and you’re already ahead of the curve should you have to respond this way.
I’ve been through this, I responded badly and entered a line of business thats felt never ending for financial freedom and since then I’ve just created my own issues from the isolation but because I’m so busy all the time my body never experienced a calming state until now to sit and say to myself:
I need to improve on a couple of things but I’ve got so much going for me compared to everyone else. The one thing I need to improve on is being calm and recognising my emotions when difficult things happen to ensure I make the right decision rather than just doubling down on the grind and trying to fill a hole that doesn’t end the self doubt
Some red pill people will highly dislike this comment
Ofc I’m always going to prioritise certain things in life that are red pill advised but on a foundational level I realised I’m alright as I am, just acknowledge how you feel when you make tough decisions to ensure you stick to the rational
My advice is to re read no more me nice guy
Now I’m not saying that you’re nice or is there any evidence for that but to a deeper level you need to understand you’re ok as you are because like me you’re over accountable compared to the rest of people.
It’s like this, emotional intelligence is great until you excuse poor behaviour for why they did it.
“She did this because I was off by 8%”
I recently saw a video of 2 people fighting in London, England with machetes
Some people said 15 years both of them
Some said that it’s not their fault they’d of been grown up in a deprived area etc. (bollocks ofc)
My point is, stop blaming yourself when you don’t always need to. Make yourself accountable, yes.
Sometimes you just gotta say, I get why you did it, I know why you did it. But you shouldn’t have done it. Obvs don’t say that to them unless you want to but just be aware of that emotional intelligence and realise the accountability you put on them is what makes you a true leader.
In business you can have emotional intelligence to mitigate a good outcome if you think people are snakes, you can still let them be valuable to you and compromise your boundaries because at some point you get to get off.
But in friends and relationships you reap what you sow
Everything you do is a negotiation. I know you know this and I hope this info can help you realise that and let go
Cynicalvx 1mo ago
I want to also add something
There is a version of you that could of been told she wasn’t exclusive to you at the start of the ltr that could of maintained frame
Rationally you probably knew you hadn’t made her work for it hard enough and it negged you hard
These are all multi variables but the key thing is you need to be able to sit down and calm yourself
Learn to separate yourself from your wants to stop you forcing outcomes
As conclusion I mean figure out what you need from others not want
A want can imply an outcome
A need, well that’ll get you there if you know where you’re trying to go because you just get off if you’re not getting what you need from something
For your own piece of mind I’d ask the guys on here their opinion of moving forward with a girl in an ltr who told you they weren’t exclusive to you when you were in the dating period
Might give you some calmness
alfon335 1mo ago
What doesn’t give me peace is the madonna/whore complex I have with her and women overall. I either see a good girl or a slut. If I had gone no contact forever after the first time I broke up (if you can call it since we were in a situationship/she was a plate), it would be easy for me to chalk up everything to her being a lying hoe and put her in the “whore” box.
Yet, her behaviors after I took her back, literally trying everything to show her devotion, from writing and recording love songs, knitting socks, making jewelry, to giving up her privacy fully just to reassure me, I cannot reconcile in my head the fact that she could have done what she did. It’s like 2 separate people. It made me fall in love with a hoe. In my head it seems like I can get closer to peace by thinking (male hamstering) about everything she did being a lie and her being a super manipulator, but I don’t think that is true.
I don’t even know what is the truth to be honest. Was I ever AF to her? Or did she play the long game by seeing me as high status beta? Why chase me? Was it all just for validation? But other girls haven’t acted that way with me before. Did she really fuck that guy that one time because I said I am not ready to commit or was it hypergamy (logically, it always is)?
Is her “love” just triggered abandonment trauma? I cannot think that this lovebombing was fully fake. Maybe life isn’t as black and white. But then that makes me feel responsible for breaking her heart and damaging her. Again madonna/whore.
And because I cannot find out (I would need more proof but realistically, without reaching out to her/her circle, how?) - maybe that’s where the anxiety comes from?
Also, I wish I was dumped. These faggots who cry after being left are stupid, they have free anger and motivation, as the door is closed and the girl unambiguously says “he is better than you”. You can thus improve where you lack. Here I have ambiguity. And from ambiguity comes anxiety…
First-light 1mo ago
Tough one. Some people find it harder than others to find internal validation.
Discipline and training are great but if they are not aimed at goals that actually give us inner validation, we can find them soul destroying self punishment. Self improvement is the only truly unclimbable mountain. There is always another higher horizon once you gain the next goal, until you can't reach the next goal and then there is usually injury and despair. There needs to be some inner satisfaction that is found and a point where enough has been achieved that anything more is just a bonus.
Pushing yourself out after new girls could turn into more of the same automaton stuff as you are feeling in your self improvement. It could even be part of a whole quest for external validation.
Can gaming girls ever give inner validation? -by gaming you are not even coming as who you are.
I think this is probably a case where, unless you can totally separate pursuit of women form your self image and feelings, you need to heal first. It takes as long as it takes. I would think about the things that actually give you pleasure in life other than women, make some goals for them and do them.
At some point you will either fairly soon run into a woman you just like or feel more sound inside, till then actually seek to enjoy yourself in healthy ways, develop your mind and interests.
alfon335 1mo ago
Thank you. That’s the thing - is such a full separation of pursuit of women and sense of self achievable? Did others on TRP here (or you) achieve it?
I guess my life will fix once I find another woman, but that just means I am still in my blue pill ways and not training my instincts to be self-sufficient and am fixing the symptoms not the root problem.
First-light 1mo ago
I think that love and desire are huge influences on us. It would be an unusual man who said he was really beyond his sense of self being influenced by women. Is anyone really ever immune to falling in love and the transformation of the sense of self that brings with it?
In my case I think general disappointment with love has put me in a position where right now I say I would not replace the present incumbent were she to vacate (and in moments of frustration I have been known to ask her to vacate but I never push it because I feel sorry for her as she has no job or property). I feel like after years of spinning plates (given up now as a waste of energy), supporting women and raising children with them, I would just really like some time to myself, to have the fruits of my own energy. I have given out and given out and the value I have received from women has not come close to equalling the value they have received from me. Briffault's law always applies. So to an extent the pursuit of women is self diminishing in terms of resources -be that financial or time and energy.
I think the above point about Briffault's law is valuable for moving the focus of inner validation away from women. When you embark on a new relationship with someone you really value (not just a plate thing or FWB thing but someone you know you would like to be a real part of your life and probably raise children with, it is a self transforming thing. You feel inspired to reach for better within yourself but this phase is only significant during the first couple of years. After that you will usually end up with a woman's weaknesses to carry in return for some stuff you could do fine for yourself anyway like cooking and cleaning and that's about the best outcome with an honest faithful woman who means her best. If you like the conversation and company of women you will be better off than if you prefer male hobbies and male company.
Long term, there is just no inner validation in women, except looking at your children. Short term there is a thrill and a burst of energy but one can't live on thrills, its not healthy and the continual investment of energy in the pursuit of short term sex is pretty adolescent really. I am sorry to say I can't really offer anything more than the experience of a disappointed man to say how you can separate your inner validation from women.
However one thing I can say that may bring some hope is that the best that comes from women comes when it comes easily. When you get a degree of inner happiness in and of yourself, they always seem to find you and they really want to be with you. Its that thing about women being like buses -nothing comes for ages and then 2 or 3 come almost at once. This almost always happen when you stop feeling lonely and start feeling good inside, then its like you become a pussy magnet in a way that all the "game" in the world can't fake. There is none of this bullshit frame holding -your happy life is the frame.
This reflects the sad truth of women -when you are winning they are your great cheerleaders (that's nice but who actually needed a cheerleader when he was happy and clearly winning). When you are unhappy and losing and actually would hugely benefit from their moral support, they regret picking a loser. So strangely, the more you can shift your inner validation away from them, the better you will get from them and they will find you, almost no effort required. (No need even to act like a jerk like so many red pill guys practise so as to appear not to need the women they desperately pursue). So prioritise finding what makes you happy and satisfied and put women on a back burner. All this chasing women, usually only results in finding the trashy ones who seek to be found anyway.
whytehorse2021 1mo ago
Interesting, I was going to do exactly what you did as far as Thailand goes... but then I thought about what would I do with the rest of my life? Go walk the beach in the morning, hit the swimming pool, hit the shower, head out for lunch, do some work/gym/sex/tourism, hit the pool, hang out with expats at local places. For the next 30 years? I dunno, doesn't seem like living.
I met a lot of retirees in Thailand and most of them would get married, maybe have kids, and open businesses and use them as social clubs. Some succeed, some fail. Eventually they integrate into society.
So maybe you could transition away from a remote work job(that can be replaced by AI or cheap foreign workers) to a more long term business that you can build and grow. Financial security, freedom, etc.
Anyway are you on Koh Samui? If so I may be there too one day :).
alfon335 1mo ago
Maybe I wasn’t clear in the post. Regarding work, I don’t work a technical job, I already have a business based in wholesale.
I went to Thailand (and still am) for 2 months, not permanently. And the time blows by when you train Muay Thai, eat/sleep/work/train and repeat. Nothing much else to do. You get into amazing shape and progress super fast. It’s pretty great actually but still is a distraction to my emotional state at best, although my life seems to be improving in many ways.
No, not in Samui. Can DM me if you want.
whytehorse2021 1mo ago
Well, Koh Samui is the world capitol of kickboxing. The world's greatest go there to train. It may be all commercialized now though... Anyway, if you're set financially and have to leave due to visas, I recommend Bali. Hit the gang(alley) Poppies and Kuta beach. I know a great guesthouse if you need and every restaurant there.
Testme 1mo ago
You are thinking way too much about yourself. Do your duty. Stop putting importance on yourself.
coolsocks00 1 1mo ago
You have oneitis and you know it. Just erase her from your life as well as you can and move on. There's nothing more to say about that, ever.
That helps for a number or reasons.
They will fade. It's not magic.
Good. The way you're trying to achieve that is unhelpful though. You're going from one extreme to another, focused on why you're "being a bitch" and hating yourself for it, as you say. I think the thing you have to understand is that you need to accept yourself first. You need to start there, because this relentless overthinking is digging you down into a deeper hole.
Some things to try are meditation, or at the very least incorporating one technique; everytime you catch yourself thinking something negative about yourself or something you do/did, stop immediately. Remove all thought, and just breathe, focus on whatever you're doing or just be still. This probably requires conscious effort, and perhaps will for a long time.
I'm not big on positive affirmations myself and have heard they dont "work" or help particularly, because they can solidify that you're not those positive things you say to yourself. But what you need to do, is understand that you're okay just as you are. Doesn't mean you cant improve, that's not the same.
You should definitely read/re-read No More Mr. Nice Guy. I think When I Say No I Feel Guilty has some chapters that are good for grounding oneself too.
I also found The Power of Now by Echkhart Tolle to be a good read. It's a difficult one to conceptualize but it's worth trying. I've found myself thinking back to that book many times and it always helps me enjoy life more.
alfon335 1mo ago
Thank you for the reply. I think the main issue with the anxiety I have like I replied to another user, is that I cannot find the truth. That’s what causes the rumination and doesn’t allow me to detach/move forward. It feels like I need more proof (to my emotional brain, hence “feels”) - to know whether it was something wrong with me/what I did or if she was a hoe. l keep running through scenarios and applying logic but it never just “clicks”.
Is it possible to solve this via rationalization, or are rationalizations just a symptom and hopeless attempts by the logical brain to try to fix the anxiety? Is it truly a dead end or is there a certain truth/realization I can find within myself?