tl/dr: recently found out wife fucked two guys two years before we were married. Now have 2 kids.
This happened 10 years ago. I recently found out the truth as I had some idea of what happened before - she had made out with one guy, but that was it. I relucantly accepted the story and moved on, engaged, married, had kids, etc., because I didn't want to rake someone over the coals for kissing, even though it hurt.
I never truly believed the story but I had no way to prove it. Until recently, I noticed she had searched for him on FB and then I hatched a plan to pretend that I had talked to the other guy and learned the truth. The trap was set, and she fell in. Immediately, she confessed to having sex. I asked her if there was more to it, or other guys, which she said no. Days later, it came out (after a lot of pressing) that there was actually two guys, that there had been some dinners, chatting, etc., all behind my back. I still don't know if I have the full truth, but I suspect not even though she claims otherwise. I had no idea. She concealed this from me for all these years to 'protect me', but we both know she did it to ensure that I stuck around. Meanwhile, all my friends and close family members knew what had happened.
She claimed it was not cheating. She also claimed that she never intented to have sex, but that she was peer-pressured both times (bit of hamstering going on I think). Meanwhile, she had setup alibis for both times and clearly had some idea of what was going to happen.
Later, she admitted to it being cheating, and apologized for lying to me (but it took me explaining the definition of cheating for it happen, I think she was just in denial...). But she does not apologize for the actual physical cheating - the sex or emotional buildup. Just the lying and for hurting me. She says it made her realize what we had and brought us closer together, which is of course true because I had no fucking clue what happened.
I don't really know how to take all this. On one hand, it happened almost 10 years ago and we've built a life together, and we were pretty happy. On the other, I hate cheaters and I hate the lying and manipulation she did to me. I also don't like that I had to coax the truth out of her, and she's made me feel like what happened doesn't matter, that it wasn't cheating, etc.
Fast-forward to today. I have been extremely angry and distant. I stumbled on TRP and immediately identified with a lot of things - feelings I've had for years, beliefs I shared, but more importantly, I started to make connections with the power/relationship struggle that I'm having right now.
I've realized I've been living the beta life for years since this happened, and now it's awoken the inner alpha. I've always thought like an alpha but acted like a beta, to support her, and give her what she wants. But now I have stopped caring for her. Started looking at outside options. Distanced myself, told her I am angry and not happy with her or the lying/manipulation/etc., and she has stepped up her game I believe in response (dread).
I am an angry son of a bitch, I know this. I also don't react well to people who fuck with me. Is there any hope?
StotheGG 8y ago
This chick ain't worth a damn. You've got a lying whore on your hands and you still don't want to accept it. Having learned the truth this is the BEST TIME to initiate a divorce on grounds that are in YOUR FAVOR. You have the ability to hold the lie over her head, to threaten to make it a point--along with seeking out past lovers while married--in a court room. You also can use it against her family and reduce the amount of animosity they might give you. I'd act while the stars are all in your favor. Go with the momentum. Don't even act violent or threatening, just hurt and not willing to continue believing her.
Maintaining this marriage, otherwise, is more about your fears than anything else. It is bad enough for a woman to lie to you and get away with it--with the full knowledge of your friend and family. It is even worse that she lies to you and faces no true consequences and is not pushed out of your life. At that point, you're worse than a fool--you're a weakling.
Dentrakhs 8y ago
Stop being a cuckold bro.
Also,go check if you got any Sexual Transmitted Diseases from that bitch. (Herpes (HSV1/HSV2),Chlamydia etc)
YOU DONT EVEN RESPECT YOUR KIDS.HOW WOULD YOUR KIDS FEEL IF THEY KNEW THEIR FATHER IS A CUCKOLD LOSER? DIVORCE THAT BITCH AND BE A FUCKIN MAN.
TreeBeats_ 8y ago
Hard next her and your family.
ZeeyardSA 8y ago
Marriedredpill
Bronze_Bound 8y ago
Your marriage is donezo dude. You can stay "married" for the kids, but you should realize that your "wife" is a just a manipulative slut who happens to live with you, so treat her accordingly. Congrats though, you're a single man now; time to grab life by the balls.
theultmatecad 8y ago
In time OP will thank her. He owes her (or anyone) zero allegiance and can now make sure he is never in that position again.
drqxx 8y ago
DITCH THE BITCH!
The sooner the better. I have kids i know it sucks every day your with her you are with a liar. She's looking for this guy she used to hook up with. What else do you need as proof?
RunawayGrain 8y ago
Back in the day they used to say that once a tiger got the taste of human flesh, they would exclusively prey on people. Cheating is the same. Once they get a 'taste' for it, they can't be trusted again. Ever.
grubek 8y ago
There is more that she is not telling you.
Also, I hope you realize she is wearing you down by making you discuss and fight every little step no matter how evident. Its easy for her to do it since she knows you will get there but she is using your emotional pain to make it harder for you so you give up earlier.
leftajar 8y ago
What the fuck?
I would have some serious words with my "friends" and family if I were you.
RPthrowaway123 8y ago
If they knew and you didn't, then everyone you know willfully deceived you and let you marry a cheater. That's fucking humiliating in my book.
The fact that she looked the guy on facebook would seal the deal for me. She's still curious about his alpha cock and seeing if she can get it.
If you want to stay married then just keep laying on the dread, if not then start looking at the options now. Start moving money out of shared accounts, hire a lawyer, and look for any evidence you can get of her cheating. The courts still won't look on you favorably in this situation and you'll be paying child support out the ass though...
NidStyles 8y ago
This is basically my advice. Do not jump into any rash decisions. Move carefully, and isolate a suitably sized pillow of cash to land on before making any real moves legally.
I highly advocate all men in any sort of relationships to have a good amount of savings that they do not share with the woman. In fact, i even recommend 10% of all income go straight into that a savings without the woman having a say, even if there are children involved. Have a way to move it out into something physical as well, gold and silver work great.
2comment 8y ago
People who say you can't pick your family just don't know how wrong that is. OP should reevaluate who these people are, and ponder what place, if any, they deserve in his life.
OP, one other thing, consider this is not just the past but she was looking for him in the here and now. Men other than you give her tingles in the present. Hell, you don't even know if her confession was the whole truth. And frankly, you have no reason to.
Women regularly confess only to the point they have to; not one iota more. And usually well past the point it's been proven, that the dead horse has been beaten, and they still expect brownie points for "honesty". It's a disarming tactic.
Every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year you're spending unhappy and angry over a decision you've made is time lost before you die. Be able to live with what you choose.
ScottRikkard 8y ago
Have to say, you are on point. Loved reading these.
Mustaka 8y ago
No fucking chance it was the whole truth. If she immediately came clean on everything because of the decade in between then maybe I would give her the benefit of the doubt.
The having to drag the details out her means that she was still lying in present day which means she will continue to lie in the future.
Fuck her /u/nightdepartures1. Get the hell out of the marriage whilst you can.
Archwinger 8y ago
This. If it was that easy to get her to admit to two episodes of cheating, she's probably been cheating for ten years, is currently cheating, and the kids aren't his.
nightdepartures1 8y ago
They were all told it happened with us during a "break", not that it was cheating. We weren't on a break -- maybe just in her mind to alleviate guilt. They were told told not to tell me.
Fucked up, I know.
Ditario 8y ago
Taking a break from the relationship implies not having to do the day to day shit "listening to how their day was, worrying about if they handled what they needed to handle, texting throughout the day, etc. "
That does not imply - go fuck whomever you want.
Fuck I hate that "we were on a break". This shit ain't friends.
steelsoldat 8y ago
Nigga you don't take a break, she may be laying low now because of the attention, but if you don't get out I can garuntee worse will be happening in a week
Edit : I would say your family doesn't deserve the time it takes you to think of them even if they hid that. Your birth family isn't always who your family should be
Dentrakhs 8y ago
Screw this fucked up family.Oh and those dudes are not even your friends.THEY FUCKED YOU BIG TIME. YOU FUCKIN LOSE 10+ YEARS FROM YOUR LIFE.
FelixCopy 8y ago
She told them all individually? There was an event you weren't present and it came out? Why would she even tell anyone? I think there is a ton more information you are missing.
TheDon835 8y ago
OP, PLEASE listen to gazelle_og those people deserve absolutely nothing from you.
MHOOD01 8y ago
I honesty believe none of those people love you.
How could your family members look at themselves in the mirror everyday knowing this kind of information.
[deleted] 8y ago
Don't speak to them or her about anything. Act like nothing happened, but you need to get her confession of having sex while you guys were in a relationship in text or email form.
Then, go find a divorce attorney with your best interests in mind, usually if you ask around work or even your boss, this works out the best as it will be a friend of a friend. And go speak to him to see what your options are as far as alimony, kids, moving accounts and so on.
Then, don't do anything until your anger has subsided. Making important life decisions while not being emotionally balanced is not a good idea. But, don't loose the principle of why you were angry in the first place.
Once you have kinda become numb to the idea, you can evaluate the situation with a clear head and decide what your best course of action is. It may be divorce, or it may be just you threatening divorce enough to the point where she fulfills all your needs. The important thing is to be in full control of the situation.
The problem with just letting it go just to save the marriage is that it creates a validation behavior pattern where "you can do things as long as you apologize sincerely latter and then nothing ever happens". She doesn't have the strict moral code inside of her, otherwise she would have not cheated in the first place.
Good luck.
RidleySmith 8y ago
Yeah. Don't expect her behaviour to actually change much now either. she won't be grateful that you forgive her. She won't feel like she "owes" you.
jupc 8y ago
Divorce attorney, agree. But he doesn't need a confession, or evidence of cheating.
It will not help in settlement or court in any US state, because the fault reasons for a divorce do not factor into any decision regarding property division, custody, or support.
Exception: New York State, in a fault divorce (expensive).
leftajar 8y ago
If my friend's girlfriend came to me and told me that, I would instantly go tell him.
Bronze_Bound 8y ago
You wouldn't fuck her first?
MHOOD01 8y ago
You like the way your friends dick tastes and getting his scraps?
zeny_two 8y ago
You're acting like her manipulation all happened in the past. She's still manipulating you and lying to you, and she is doing it on purpose. Whatever you decide to do, NEVER TRUST HER AGAIN. It would be a massive mistake. She is still gaming you.
She knows exactly what she's doing. No adult is that stupid. She's acting dumb because otherwise she's responsible for her actions. Don't be a fool, man.
dreckmal 8y ago
There is always hope. The tricky bit is what to hope for.
It's easy to arm-chair scream divorce. None of us are in your position though.
Fact of the matter is that you've had people close to you that have held secrets behind your back for years of your life. Ultimately, you now have to question the trust you've placed with all of them who were 'in' on it.
I think you still care about her a great deal and just aren't sure how to deal with the sudden revelations. You need to focus on what you want now.
You have been given a golden gift to turn yourself into the center of your world.
What she realized was that you were the best option she could grab a hold of and wanted to keep. It doesn't make you two closer, it makes her more attached to you then the other guys she had opportunities with.
She dipped her toes in a couple other ponds (at least two) and decided you were the one to put a boat in. There are many ways to take this.
Were you guys exclusive at the time? Was it overtly stated or understood exclusivity? How long had you guys dated exclusively before you were married?
nightdepartures1 8y ago
We were exclusive and had been together about 4 years at the point when she cheated. I think the tipping point was she began partying / hanging with a different crowd, received attention from other guys and it just snowballed to the point where she began to hate me.
I saw this going on, but I didn't know the extent of it. Any attempts I made to pull her back in backfired because I simply couldn't compete with attention from 'new' guys. She just became more irritated with me. Ah, how naive I was...
Glennus626 8y ago
I'm curious how it went from her partying without you and hating you, to you marrying her. I think I missed that part. Did it, by chance, coincide with you getting a raise or a promotion? Did you buy a house?
dreckmal 8y ago
Well, there is little to no point in damning yourself for mistakes you made in the past. use the anger to motivate yourself to meet your needs now. Come up with a plan, and make some changes. PM me if you need/want someone to talk to about it.
CuddleMyNeckbeard 8y ago
Get a lawyer and leave her. And never talk again to the people who new and didnt tell you.
Vaselinee 8y ago
Go see a lawyer, don't tell her anything, time to move on. Think that way, what she would have done if you cheating on her?
santander26 8y ago
Divorce, divorce, divorce. Fuck that friends also. I can't believe nobody did not tell you. She fucked MORE than 2, DURING your marriage, i guarantee you that a CHEATER is always continues.
UnluckyPenguin 8y ago
She did something horrible, no doubt there. AWALT.
I'm going to assume you posted this in /r/marriedredpill and give you the best advice I can.
Your "status" is separated. Don't jump to divorce yet, because you should never make an emotional decision. Don't deny yourself the separation.
Be angry. Schedule a meetup with guys on TRP. (in the OC? check out /r/orangecountyseddit. There's a similar and even larger group for SF). Verbalize in actual spoken words your anger to people who understand and won't think you're being misogynistic.
Spend time apart. See if someone better is out there, someone you could connect with better and gives you the respect and treatment you deserve.
When you get it out of your system, whether it's banging a random HB or just chatting with the immature younger generations, cry about it. Seriously. Nothing wrong with that. The cuts were deep.
Hopefully by the end of this, you can think as clearly as another member that wrote the Dirty Sheets post on TRP a month or two ago.
TL;DR - There's no skipping any of the 5 stages of TRP/grief
Drenmar 8y ago
Divorce is the only way.
jons_throwaway 8y ago
I agree these are the only two that you know about. And the fact that the rest of your family and friends new is worse.
Myself I would divorce. Cheating is absolute dealbreaker for me regardless of our past or what we have going on.
Ibex3D 8y ago
Oh, and i would cut contact with everyone who knew. Even if it was my fucking mother.
jons_throwaway 8y ago
Most definitely.
long-lostfriend 8y ago
Paternity test, dude.
Bronze_Bound 8y ago
Op needs to see this
bm2l 8y ago
i would have never gotten married in the first place, because i'm not a retard
fnordsnord 8y ago
Frankly, it's up to you.
First off - she doesn't think she's lying. That's the nature of the female hamster. She's managed to convince herself that what she was doing wasn't wrong, and in fact was good for your relationship.
This is also classic trickle-truth. If you've found this much, there's probably more to find.
You're going to have to decide what you want. Frankly - while it is possible to find a younger, hotter, tighter woman, AWALT. Almost ANY woman is capable of the behavior you describe. She was basically trying to confirm that you were the best man she could get and hold on to and she did it by shopping around. If it's any consolation: she chose YOU.
Is this something you can let go of? If it's not, best to dynamite your marriage now, not after years of dysfunction.
You've been happy for a decade, and you like the life you built. Are you willing to give that up?
My advice? You can't move forward until you answer the question: can I let this go?
You need someone to talk to. Find a MALE therapist. See if he can help you work through your rage.
zyk0s 8y ago
That's the wrong perspective to look at this from. It's the same bullshit people tell a guy who just found out the unicorn he married got 20 dicks in her before being legally allowed to drink:
"It doesn't matter who she slept with in the past, in the end she chose you!".
No. Women chose who they spread their legs for, not who they give their provision and commitment to, that's what men do. It's about as out of touch as telling a girl the guy who slept with her doesn't find her attractive, he was running after other hotties and offering them gifts, but she should feel honored because in the end "she's the one who took his virginity".
And I have an issue with your other argument, that all women are capable of the above behavior so it's pointless to find one who doesn't. All men are capable or pretty vile acts, everyone has their breaking point. But most people have restraint, and even if the majority of women don't in this cultural climate, it does not mean you should abdicate and give your provision to them. Don't support a whore, if you cannot find a woman that does not meet that criteria, simply don't support any woman at all.
wanderer779 8y ago
have you ever seen a recovery from something like this though?
bicepsblastingstud 8y ago
If it had actually occurred only in the past? Yes.
In this situation, where she's looking up dudes on facebook? ....Haha.
truchisoft 8y ago
The best man she could get a hold off? More like the best doormat she could get.
EDIT: made a new comment instead.
RPmatrix 8y ago
no need to be cruel bro, even if it is true!
truchisoft 8y ago
Man up, TRP was branched from seddit because of the bullshit, if your girl is looking for ex adultery partners it means you are a doormat for her.
RPmatrix 8y ago
I've never heard of seddit, what's it about??
truchisoft 8y ago
Reddit's seduction board, hence the nickname: seddit
Real8inchDong 8y ago
We can all sit here and say "Get a divorce!", "Ditch the bitch!". But it has been over 10 years since the actual act happened and it's kind of futile to be mad at something that happened a decade ago. The fact that she was looking for that old flame again through social media is what you need to worry about now.
I would probably get a paternity test done ASAP...she doesn't even need to know. I would feel a shitload of resentment about what happened still. Eye for an eye. I'd fuck 2 women to get even about the situation honestly. That's if you don't want to take it all the way to a divorce and lose half your assets and a custody battle.
Ibex3D 8y ago
Like she didn't cheat after the marriage
mismm 8y ago
I only have one thing to say: get a paternity test.
Stories_of_Red 8y ago
You don't. There have been others. She did not stop having sex with others just because of a ring.
What a manipulative pile of crap.
Look, you just met the lying, promiscuous woman you ACTUALLY married. The person she claimed to be via her lying was never in your marriage; that person does not exist. That person she pretended to be was never a person. It was a construct. A lie so complete and pervasive that you believed it for ten years.
Accordingly, you got into a marriage based on a lie by her about who she was. Stay married if you need to in order to have access to the kids. Start laying all the groundwork now and divorce her when it is convenient. Have sex with whomever you want in the meantime.
Yes, I'm serious. In these circumstances, I would not consider myself married to her, and I would be simply working to make sure the legal consequences of leaving were as small as possible to me and my kids.
Aerobus 8y ago
Very insightful comment. I manually pointed you for your contribution.
Whisper Moderator 8y ago
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theultmatecad 8y ago
This is the best answer here and is actually my current strategy.
My attorney recommend I get my wife back to full time work and I start documenting all the parent teacher visits, activities with kids, etc.
I also have zero obligations now to wife. I sleep with one of her friends, don't accompany her and kids to visit her family. I am free from all allegiance to her but she doesn't know it (yet, ever..?)
Funny enough ..She can't be any sweeter and we have unbelievable sex again. The more I pull away, the hotter she gets for me
Go slow here OP. There is plenty of time to make the right decisions and you have us to talk to.
Pm me if u want
Edit..OP wife was not the only one pretending here. OP didn't want to see what was right there in front of him because of our collective socialized BP brainwashing
wanderer779 8y ago
I don't know if cheating is wise advice because it might be able to be used against you in the divorce. I could be wrong though
I think the thing to do now is to start speaking to divorce attorneys and plan your escape for minimum damage. There are some posts on here that may give you an idea how to proceed. I'll try to find it. There was one about a guy who planned the whole thing for a long time in advance and had a whole life set up so that when it came time to drop the hammer everything was in place. That's how I'd look at it. Maybe you can get confessions on tape of these things, hire a private eye, get DNA tests (I don't know if that will help or not, maybe if they aren't yours the judge will have more sympathy?), maybe quit your job for a year and get a lower income for child support reasons? Or if they are yours try to get some abuse on tape, if there is any, so you can get custody? I don't know, I'm kind of talking out my ass here because I have no experience but maybe some other guys who do can chime in. But I think the point is at this point it is to sort of look at it strategically and develop your plan instead of just blowing up in anger and making rash decisions.
ECoast_Man 8y ago
This is something that came up recently in my life. Married man, wife cheated, same shit. But if you live in a no fault divorce jurisdiction, there are no consequences, really?
So I was chatting with this dude, and he was full out anger stage and mentioned he should fuck this waitress who flirted with him just to get back at his wife. Obviously childish, but at the same time, I told him if losing your second virginity this way will help, fucking go for it. If probably want to fuck a new pussy or two right the fuck away if it happened to me as well...
nightdepartures1 8y ago
Other than the sex itself, I think this is what aggravates me most and this sums up how I feel. I proposed, married, had kids, vasectomy, build a business and a life together based on a web of lies and deceit. I feel like a pawn in her chess game.
RPmatrix 8y ago
at least you didn't marry this woman (the one being interviewed, I sure she has LOTS of 'admirers' too!)
Bel Gibson vs Tara Brown
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsw90DY5gEI
roteroktober 8y ago
why would you be so sure those are YOUR children? you better take a paternity test.
Royale_mit_kase 8y ago
Yes. Do this OP, if these aren't your kids then you might not even have to pay child support.
Dentrakhs 8y ago
Omg,vasectomy? What if these kids are not yours?
nightdepartures1 8y ago
They are definitely mine. I had it after we had the kids.
theultmatecad 8y ago
You should get paternity tests. Simple cheek swab from amazon and its less than 100 bucks
prodigy2throw 8y ago
Dear God
teeay 8y ago
Eh, don't hate on the vasectomies. The planet has enough people.
Dr_Shakalu22 8y ago
Yep. I wish vasectomies were more common actually.
prodigy2throw 8y ago
Cheating on you with two different guys is what she ADMITS too. You're fucked dude. Take advice from the older dudes who went through divorce about how to do it right and get a nice divorce lawyer. Get out. Now. Please.
NiceTryDisaster 8y ago
She slept with way more guys. I can bet my money that the number is 5+.
'Two' lets her hamster to herself that she isnt a whore and something she can get away with.
fruguy 8y ago
The fact that she was searching for him again...she's probably been fucking all through the relationship. Just go on Ashley Madison to see how entitled these whores are.
ShrimShrim 8y ago
Would you be interested in using this as leverage to start an "open relationship." If you're not into that lifestyle, then yea just leave her because she is into that lifestyle.
FarfromaHero40 8y ago
Welcome newcomer, /u/nightdepartures1. Your journey will be long, and, perhaps it will make you more angry and bitter. But it will be the truth. With time & understanding, hopefully the anger will dissipate and you will learn AWALT. And remember, as many here are also recovering Betas, to continue with the daily dose of red pills. It is the fucking antidote.
edit/ In answer, time to walk from this waking-nightmare. Think of it as training a dog. She (the dog) has already conditioned herself to 10 years worth of lying and manipulating you. She is used to being able to get away with this behavior - I mean let's be real, she didn't even fucking apologize for the cheating. She apologized only after being confronted and the apology was for hurting you, not the fact that she was in the fucking wrong and cheated. If you take her back, you will only reward her behavior, showing that you would tolerate her infidelity.
truchisoft 8y ago
She was looking for them in FB so she obviously has no lust for you at all, had she found them she would be fucking them already.
She probably cheated on you on a monthly basis, hell I fucked married girls with children and when I was not available when they wanted, they just got someone else to fuck them, once the gates are open there is nothing that can stop the cuckold flood that comes afterwards.
Dr_Shakalu22 8y ago
Thank God I found TRP before I made the horrible mistake of getting married. Thank. God.
CrimsonCapn 8y ago
this is dead on. listen to him
favours_of_the_moon 8y ago
Hahaha, here's what you do. Why don't YOU bang two other bitches, trickle truth it, say IT "JUST HAPPENED," then see if it "strengthens the relationship."
ScottRikkard 8y ago
GET A PATERNITY TEST DONE!!!!
DreamBoatGuy25 8y ago
It's a tough situation to be in no doubt. You got a family to think about.
Don't be fooled by what we say here, ultimately no one can tell what the right choice is. You have to do what you think is best for you. I wouldn't make any decision while you're still angry. Let things cool down, play with your kids, then you can start thinking about who you need to talk to you; a divorce lawyer, counselor, etc.
roteroktober 8y ago
Divorce.
crack_tobi 8y ago
The question remains - What will you do?
The only instances that you know of are from 10 years ago. The other instances, you do not know and hence she does not need to mention. Please do no think that it happened only 2 times over 10 years.
MeatCurtainRod 8y ago
We all know she clearly cheated, no questions asked. She knows she cheated. There is none of this 'it just happened' bullshit. Ever.
Talk to your friends and family NOW. Fuck that shit. Get it all out there in the open. Then lawyer up. I feel your pain, bro.
squirtmasterd 8y ago
Your in a bad position either way, short of her death she's got you locked down for the rest your life. I'm sorry.
ECoast_Man 8y ago
You might want to ring this one over to Married RP.
Obviously everyone here is going to say next the bitch, but family and kids complicates this.
My own advice is that I'd end the thing for sure. Try and keep it civil for the sake of your kids rather than go to the mattresses. Either way if suggest retaining a good divorce lawyer now and at least discuss options.
Bottled_Void 8y ago
OK, so she finally apologised to you for lying.
So what has she done to make it up to you about the cheating? Nothing? Doesn't even feel bad about that? ... And the fact she's looking him up on Facebook?
I presume she's blocked these two guys on her Facebook and is never going to contact them again.
Does she want to cheat on your again? Has she already? Has she been faithful since she's been married? Hey, it's possible a little bit of metal on her finger makes a difference, maybe not.
I don't know, maybe deep down she really hates you and is only staying with you for the paycheck. Is that what you want to deal with?
Two points, don't stay together "because of the kids", because you'll still have your kids. And second, if you do plan to get a divorce, tell a lawyer first, not her.
And if you really want to make of go of things, -SHE'S- got a lot of work to do to rebuild your trust. Don't go begging to her to make you feel comfortable trusting her again, because that's not going to work for you, it's got to come from her.
Of course the real RP answer (since you're asking) and it may or may not be right for you, is "Next".
abdada 8y ago
It is too late. She was looking up old fuck buddies which means she has checked out. Close joint bank accounts immediately and secure wealth in a way she won't trace.
Don't move out. Ask her to move out for the sake of the children not seeing fights. Stop supporting her. Keep a log of the time you spend with the kids and the duties you do for them.
Why bother saving a marriage that she destroyed? You'll recover and age like fine wine; she will age like milk in a summer car.
menial_optimist 8y ago
They sat through the wedding knowing that information? Sounds like your family thought you were a beta that needed protecting. They might of thought "Would he realistically find someone else"?
Entershikari 8y ago
It's time to quit your job, buy a motorbike and get the fuck out of here, are your children over 18 ?
Line up the plates m8, it's time for a nice 40 yo mid life crisis.
RiseAboveRuin 8y ago
Chances are she didn't stop at 2. The fact that she was getting in touch with this guy again is indication of ill intentions in and of itself.
BUT - most of us here are biased towards being single. I'd really like to hear from an older gentleman that's been in similar circumstances.
RidleySmith 8y ago
Well... Your wife isn't a particularly cunty woman, she's just a woman, all of them will lie and cheat if they can get away with it. All of them will be like this, so don't expect to change her out for a Disney character because you think you just happened to get a bad egg. It would be like replacing one untamed dog with another untamed dog. The solution is in the taming.
Choice A: ditch her now... And get another woman who would probably do the same thing if given half the chance anyway Choice B: swallow the fuck out of the red pill, read up on LTR game, dread game the shit out of her and make this relationship the best you can and get the most you can out of her... And then maybe ditch her anyway
thefisherman1961 8y ago
She was clearly trying to manipulate you, even after getting caught. Trickle truth, hamstering, but this most of all:
"I'm sorry that I'm not sorry for getting railed by Chad's thundercock and enjoying it."
That kind of manipulative statement probably would cause me to break frame. It's more offensive that she offered that apology instead of simply refusing to apologize. At least if she did the latter, she'd be being honest.
OP, are you sure the kids are yours? I'd be getting them both paternity tested IMMEDIATELY if I were you. Next step is to call a lawyer. There is no salvaging this relationship, I know from experience. I just hope you don't get divorce raped.
jkonrad 8y ago
Two? One might be forgivable, in rare cases. Shit happens in the moment or whatever. But two is a little much. And she's not even owning it. Wonder what else she's hiding.
Stories_of_Red 8y ago
The other sex partners she had, of course.
thefisherman1961 8y ago
One is never forgivable, period.
jkonrad 8y ago
Easy for you and me to say, not so clear cut for people enmeshed in a life they spent years building.
jkonrad 8y ago
Not always that simple, evidenced by the fact he's here, swept up and asking questions.
Complecs 8y ago
God yeah you know like I was just out flirting around liek whatever and i got really horny and just went home with this guy liek you know it happens in the moment! The 3 hour long fuck session was just all in the moment! Lol. Come on man
jkonrad 8y ago
Yep. For a forum dedicated to understanding women y'all sometimes demonstrate an alarming lack of perspective.
Ibex3D 8y ago
Even as a BP dude I never bought the "in the moment" bullshit. Sure a kiss can be in the moment. It's spontaneous, you're filled with lust, etc. but sex takes a while. Even if it's with a 2 pump chump the time it takes to remove your clothes is enough to make you realize what you're doing.
OrpheusV 8y ago
I'd still find even one being one too many.
She made vows that she has since broken. Such a contract should be considered null and void.
jkonrad 8y ago
Don't fall in love with theory. It was 10 years ago, they have built a life and 2 children since then. 240 months and two little human beings.
It might feel good to flippantly fantasize what you would do, if you were actually able to do what he has done, but you haven't, so don't. Jesus.
OrpheusV 8y ago
Sunken cost fallacy. Granted there's some consideration for the fact there's kids now, but he should be planning his exit strategy, considering the whole marriage was based on a lie. He should be making assets vanish or put into a trust that the courts can't touch, not cheating himself so he can get a better hand in the divorce, and so forth.
Him just sitting here and taking this shit as is, is some BB bullshit.