Hi,
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I'm currently in a dark place in my life and would be very thankful for some advice. I'm 21 and in a country where college is free.
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I studied at a pretty shitty college for 2 semesters and decided its not what I want/the degree is not worth it and applied for CS at a better college in the same town. I didn't get accepted into the program because I thought the entry exam would be easy (dumb mistake). However I was able to get a job as a software developer instead.
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I started the new job around September, this was when I met this girl which turned slowly turned into a onenitis.
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I was not satisfied with my living situation because my roommates were always interrupting my sleep, and with the combination of sleep deprivation + huge stress at work I developed a depressive episode around december, which im still not out of as of now.
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I could not concentrate/get shit done anymore and was fired from my job. I went to a psychiatrist and am now on medication (effexor) and therapy, which helped abit, but I still suffer from all possible depression symptoms which makes it really hard to function. The last months I was not able to be consistent with gym/work/social life because I just couldn't get out of bed and didn't function like a normal human beeing.
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I moved back in with my parents in the meanwhile to avoid the toxic living situation.
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Now onto the girl part, I had sex with the girl for the first time back in September. Looking back I ignored so many red flags its crazy.. good thing I didn't LTR her.
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Here are a few:
Had sex on the first date, without condom (Yes I am dumb)
She is still in contact with her exes
I know both of her exes (not best friends whatsoever, but yes)
She travels to places alone
Even told me she hooked up with a girl once on a solo trip of hers
She even filmed her ex and told me how dumb he was/how they only argued and how she didn't really feel anything for him, then meets up with him again when hes in the country lol.
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My intention in the beginning was to treat her like a plate only, however I got more and more attached and didn't spin other plates, when the depression started I got more and more sucked into her frame. She started treating me like shit and disrespecting me, and I didn't put her into her place in the beginning. Developed oneitis.
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Then we kind of told each other we only want to fuck each other, and see each other exclusively. One day I looked at her phone and she was snapping with Chad in front of my eyes, I even asked her who that guy was and she told me a friend. The next day I looked at the snap map of the girl and guess where she was.. at Chads place.
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I nexted/ghosted her without explaining myself which was the best thing I could do I guess, I was getting too attached and couldn't hold frame because of my depression.
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Now I'm really fucked up and in a depressive state, which I can't seem to get out of. I suffer from severe sleep/memory/concentration problems which really fuck me up.
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I am forcing myself into the gym again, it's fucking hard but it makes me feel abit better. The combination of gym/therapy/meds seems to help, but there is no end in sight..
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Before the meds I tried everything from meditation to yoga, nothing seemed to help.
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Work wise I still have a webite which im earning money from, which kind of saves my ass at the moment.
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I could really use some advice on how I can get out of this rut again.
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WalterBlackPC 5y ago
PM me if you want to get strong physically.
caius100 5y ago
Biggest game changer when it comes to all of this depression thing is actually having a schedule for your sleep. Go to sleep at 11pm and wake up at 8 if possible. Do this religiously for one week, eat as fucking healty as you can then come back. It will help 100%. Just GET THAT SLEEP HOURS BRO, thank me when ur here once again.
bbraham 5y ago
Problem is my sleep is completely fucked up since months. I wake up in the middle of the night and most of the times im unable to go back to sleep. Sometimes I also have problems with sleeping in.
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Ocasionally I take ambien when I need it.. but yeah thats no long term solution. I would love to be able to sleep 8 hours again.....
caius100 5y ago
No sleep during the day No fucking pills, maybe a nice hot tea No fucking phone or anything before sleep, maybe listen to some chilling music Work fucking hard through the day. Do whatever the fuck you have to until you feel like collapasing. Never go to bed before 11pm tho, you will wake in the middle of the night. If you do wake up tho, dont you dare open your phone and just force your ass to stay in bed, eyes closed. Try breathing slower also, into your belly. Persistance is key. Dont you fucking dare to skip bed time or open your phone if you feel like u cant sleep. If you get bad sleep, next day you shall repeat this no matter what. Eventually you either die or actually get the sleep. I got the sleep tho. You will too. I trust you. 9 hours of sleep should suffice. KEY THING: WAKE THE FUCK UP AT 9 AM NO MATTER WHAT. JUST WAKE UP GO FUCKING RUN AND TAKE A SHOWER. KEEP YOURSELF BUSY AT ALL COSTS, OTHERWISE YOU WILL GO AND "TAKE A NAP" FOR 5 FUCKING HOURS AND IT'S ALL RUINED.
bbraham 5y ago
Fuck yes. You know what.. my only hope currently is the gym. Might as well go 100% at this shit... Going 7 times a week PHUL + cardio and abs on off days.
caius100 5y ago
YOU GO!!!!!
caius100 5y ago
Also, dont be too harsh on yourself. We all have down times. Check out Ben Lionel Scott and Mateusz on youtube, their videos help me on a daily basis
bbraham 5y ago
thanks! this downtime is lasting for months however.. this is really messing me up.
caius100 5y ago
Been there done that. There will be many more to come. That's life. It's normal. You cant stop the down times but learn how to deal with them. Get better. Get stronger. Waiting for your results tho, dont let me down on this one buddy
bbraham 5y ago
I get it. I mean I had down times throughout my life.. but this time its something different, something bigger... with all kinds of symptoms which make my life a huge struggle. Can't even hold a regular job like this.
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However if I manage to get out of this state god I will be prepared..
FearGarbhArMait 5y ago
Read the whole thing, you know where you fucked up. You are taking the right steps through it, gym and changing your enviorment. Ride out the turbulence, storms are only temporary.
bbraham 5y ago
Yes im trying to ride them out. However the symptoms of depression make it very hard..