Hello,
I'm with a relationship with someone and I'm getting tired of constant shit-tests. I think I handle them pretty well (distance myself, show 0 emotion, don't respond, agree and amplify, etc..) and I think it works well, it's not that I don't know how to handle them.
The problem is sometimes I feel like I get tired of them, and some of them actually do hurt.
Like for example when she called me boring for no reason - I handled it very good because in 2 minutes she was apologizing, kissing me all over and telling me how much she loves me etc.
Will they ever stop? Maybe I can somehow influence them so they are not so frequent? Do all girls shit test all the time or it depends from girl to girl?
Pleas help me TRP.
Sepean 10y ago
I reduced the frequency of my wife's shit tests, and especially the hurtful ones, by making it clear to hear that I wanted a wife who wasn't disrespectful towards me, and by ignoring her attempts of reconciliation afterwards and giving her the silent treatment for longer. I made it a point that she couldn't just make up for it by saying sorry, I wanted her to actually change her behavior and stop doing it and that what was going to bring me back.
She still does shit-tests, but they're more roundabout and hardly ever aimed at my personality or manhood any longer.
oldredder 10y ago
I've been chatting in email with a woman from zerohedge where I came from and this was the husband's solution: give her a 20 minute rant time. Not all the time, but on a regular basis. Hard time limit. It gets stuff off her chest so she gets her feelz out but doesn't run the whole day. She feels better and this reduces a lot of shit-testing and comfort-testing because she actually feels she got it off her chest.
Sounds like a rare one, unicorn-like even.
fnordsnord 10y ago
When the time comes to remind her that I won't tolerate disrespect, I've gotten great miliage out of standing up, making eye contact and starting out with "Who the hell do you think you are?"
I let her reply, but ignore the content and say, "You're not my mama, and you're not my boss, and those are the ONLY to people who are allowed to talk to me like that. And mama is DEAD."
Then I leave.
When done with proper panache it's very effective. However - red-faced, puffy eyed, and out of breath, it will come off as butt-hurt. Be sure you can pull this script off before attempting.
oldredder 10y ago
I don't even let my bosses talk to me in a derogatory manner.
If something needs fixing it's my boss's job to say what it is and how. Then it's my job to do it. Respect can be maintained the entire time and at my job it is.
fnordsnord 10y ago
Fair point.
My boss is a woman, and the last time I played this card, it was in the context of telling me what to do. My boss does get to do that. She pays me money so that I will let her do so.
oldredder 10y ago
Yup. Several of my bosses are women, all the way up to global director who's a man - none of them pay me to be disrespected, just to pay attention to what I'm told to do and fill in the blanks with experience/intellect if they miss a 'spot' but direction is otherwise 'clear'.
clear-sight 10y ago
I agree with all the sentiment of previous posters that they're programmed to shit test and it'll never stop. That said, if it is happening as frequently as you say and it sounds like you are a grounded dude, then dump the bitch rather than face a lifetime of conflict or constant management. Get or stay in good shape and find a better human being to be with.
If you are attached to her give a warning and be prepared to follow through. Give the warning and not follow through and you are fucked.
[deleted] 10y ago
You can read this and a lot of others on CH:
https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2015/01/23/the-third-beta-bait-type-the-bad-boyfriend-ploy/
RedBigMan 10y ago
Shit tests never stop completely. However, if you have internalized TRP you will crush them without even realizing.
Only two things change frequency of shit testing. Crushing shit tests when you are establishing a relationship (reduces frequency), failing shit tests when you are in an established relationship (increases frequency) and if your woman is monkey branching (or considering it) to another dude she'll shit test you to make sure you are still the best choice.
oldredder 10y ago
Absolutely too many: I wouldn't tolerate more than 3/day. If she keeps it up I won't "pass" them, I'll say "Bitch: you're shit-testing me for nonsense like it was your job. You must feel you're a lot better than me to want to do that so much. Lock it down. If you really feel you're that much better, leave, because I don't think you are"
Women are easily bored. They need emotional stimulation but you can't devote your time/day to doing that, you need to find intellectual stimulation and exercise for your health even without her. She needs to find emotional stimulation outside of you: she's responsible for making herself bored and you're responsible for keeping yourself entertained. You could just make more time sex time, that's not boring - I hope.