Before TRP, before I realized I need to change for me, before I knew what Alpha and Beta behaviors were, I was the guy that always seemed to go out of his way for people. I was the guy that felt guilty for not dropping a five dollar bill into the Salvation Army bucket at Christmas time. I was the "friend" that people hung out with when they wanted a free drink.
Did I ever want to do these things? No, not really! But I did them out of guilt. I felt if I didn't help my buddy move, even though I was exhausted from working all day, I wasn't a "good enough" friend/ person. I never knew the word "NO"! I found myself being taken advantage of often times and it was becoming more and more frequent.
Let's fast forward a little bit to the present. I now know that the only thing I can change is me and how I respond. If I don't want to do something genuinely I have the option to say "no" simply because.
Here are three examples of my personal change:
In times before, I would be on my front porch smoking (yes, I know smoking is bad. Yes, I'm trying to quit... shut the fuck up and get over it) when a guy would walk by and ask for a cigarette. "Sure" I would say. I've been there before and it sucks. I noticed it was the same guy over and over and more frequently. I'm support both our habits now and I can barely afford my own. Enough is enough... "no, you can't have a smoke buddy." He stops asking now.
FWB and I got really drunk. She wanted sex and I was in no shape for that. I said "no, I'm too drunk and it won't be good for either of us." And it was left at that. Not an once of guilt and I saved us from a terrible experience (I'm really clumsy when I'm drunk).
Two females texted me up tonight and asked if I wanted to go eat. I was at home packing for a few days of work and they were just getting out of the club. "Sure, swing by and pick me up." I knew exactly why they wanted me to go... I was a free lunch ticket, but that was before. We ate and had a good time laughing and flirting. At the point of leaving the establishment I asked "so, y'all are paying right? After all you did ask me out." The reply was "no, you're paying". I knew it. "I'm paying for mine and you two need to figure the rest out between you." I replied. Not today ladies, not today. With a sad look they paid their own while I grinned all the way to the car. Saying "no" felt good.
Understand that it's ok to say no. The world don't owe you a damn thing and you don't owe it anything either. If you don't genuinely want to help, you don't have to and if you lose a "friend" over that word (no), were they ever really your friend? I suppose not. When you say "no" more often you'll notice your confidence will also increase, because you said it and the world didn't fall apart.
I'm not sure if this post belongs here or not. I just felt like someone out there could learn this lesson and apply it to their personal life. Stay cool and keep growing!
[deleted] 7y ago
deleted ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0.6687 ^^^What ^^^is ^^^this?
Peter_B_Long 7y ago
This is a good newbie post for anyone who hasn't read NMMNG and other red pill books.
I'm sure everyone will transition differently into having this type of attitude towards life. Some people may start saying "no" but follow it with the excuse or explaining. Some people will be polite about it with a "no.. sorry!". Or in your case, just a cold hard "no".
A good I strategy I learned from HTWFAIP is to negotiate with someone so that you both get what you want. If you can use it to your advantage, use it.
For example: My plate asked me out of the blue once if I would take her to buy a bathing suit for her vacation coming up. I wanted to say "no" because it seemed completely beta to take her to buy a bathing suit for her to show off to other guys and not me. I thought about it and told her if she cooked me dinner I'd take her. In my POV I thought: 1. I'm getting free dinner 2. She's going to model bathing suits for me and 3. I have a reason to be at her house. At one point she handed me her bathing suit before paying (I'm sure she was trying to see if I'd break frame and offer to pay) but I saw through her shit and handed it back to her and said, "hey you're next.". Besides that, it worked out perfectly for me. I got free dinner, I got to see her model bathing suits for me (I got pics), and I got a reason to be at her place which led to us fucking all night.
With that said, maybe if you had brought up your co-workers paying for you when they initially invited you, you could've probably gotten a free meal or at least gotten out of an awkward situation.
cooperpl 7y ago
Inability to say 'no' can be very detrimental and dangerous when you associate yourself with bad type of people like for instance drug addicts - I've seen people going on raves and slowly associating themselves more and more with the 'elite crowd' there - the once-a-month xtc pill turned into once-two-weeks, then once a week, etc...
Fortunately for me, I got to know these people and recognized them for who they are early enough to not damage myself much - I'm close to taking an extra year to finish university though.
selfsufficientnigga 7y ago
Simple and good.
Thank you for your contribution.
pullupsNpushups 7y ago
This is definitely one area where I need improvement. In part of building and maintaining my frame, I'm lacking in this area at times. I've gotten better from before, but I still need to lock it down to when I mean it.
Zokalex 7y ago
Stand in front of a mirror and say No about 20 times. Repeat everyday
Kid_Koon 7y ago
Long story short, my inability to say "no" led to me burning bridges at my last job.
[deleted]
Kid_Koon 7y ago
Basically, I started off as a cashier and was quickly promoted to customer service. I was loved at work because I always went out of my way to help people, I would work thirteen or fourteen hour shifts, would do jobs way outside my department, etc. I just like being useful, I guess. In my department of the store, I worked with women, not a single man in sight, I loved the work because it was a challenge and we had to deal with a variety of moody customers which was always exciting (I get bored pretty easy and was always seeking out new challenges). Now all these women liked me, they were older, and treated me like their grandkid or little brother, giving me advice and what not, but they were prone to get me to do all their heavy lifting for them, both literally and figuratively, and equally prone to turning a molehill into a gaseous ball of fire (i.e. freaking out whenever I made the slightest mistake.) Considering I received no proper formal training in this department until a few months before I quit, and learnt everything by watching, asking and trail and error, I'm obviously going to make a few mistakes here and there. Nonetheless, one woman started tripping me up on purpose or would watch me do something wrong then snitch to management and I found the people I was working with were miserable and were really only working for the money. I soon became as miserable as them and started considering getting a new job, then an incident occured with one of my female managers (one Ive ranted about in another subreddit) and I became certain that it was time to look for a new job, I handed my resignation, then i was offered a full time position, which my female manager encouraged me to turn down, another women I worked with was mad at me for quitting without consulting her, she talked me in to staying and I was too weak to say no, I even started second guessing myself, then she went behind my back and convinced management to ignore my resignation (the female manager wasn't happy but agreed) and then I realised how I'd dug myself into a hole and how the amount of indecisiveness I felt about taking full time was an indication that I needed to quit, so I went to my new job and after not showing up for two days I called them and told them I've quit. On the brightside, quitting was the best thing I did but I wish I had been stronger and turned down full time from the get go.
crash11235 7y ago
I’ve never had good experiences with women managers/supervisors. It makes sense, I guess. If they can’t manage their own lives or emotions, how could they possibly manage anyone else?
setsuna0 7y ago
My favorite part is when you said no to the two women. More men need to do this. Fucc them ????
Zokalex 7y ago
No, I ain't shutting up. Here you go
[deleted] 7y ago
You're either smoking or you're not smoking, there is no "trying to quit".
If he wanted to quit as bad as he wanted to breath air, he'd quit.
OP, stop making excuses.
waylonw 7y ago
Unless you've had an addiction, you don't know what you are talking about. I'm not making excuses at all... I never once brought up an excuse as to why I haven't quit. I simply said I'm am trying... you can't turn a battle ship on a dime I don't give a damn what kind of man you think you are. Just like you can't embrace the red pill in one day... I am currently on Chantix for smoking, so yes, it's a work in progress. But thank for your needless input.
PM_ME_IF_U_SUCKING 7y ago
Understand what happens when you quit smoking. If you know exactly what is happening in your body and why then it makes it easier to get through the cold turkey period.
http://whyquit.com/whyquit/A_Benefits_Time_Table.html
I've been a smoker for nearly 15 years. I quit cold turkey in February. Day 3 sucked balls, headaches, cravings, irritability. The next two weeks I would have spacey floaty moments. I got head rushes from getting up to soon. But eventually I started feeling a lot better. It's no worse than feeling mildly ill for a few weeks. You can handle that.
[deleted] 7y ago
I know this may come as a shock, but you're not the only human being on earth battling addiction.
I've had my own addictions, everyday I didn't quit was because I'd tell myself tomorrow was a better day to quit. I didn't tell myself NO.
You are not a battleship, you are a human being. You can do whatever you want with your life if you want it enough. You didn't have to tell us you make excuses because as a former addict I've been there. Just say NO.
Replace i can't with I will anytime you're faced with a problem. It really is that simple. It's not easy, but you're not here for easy.
I just find it ironic that you're trying to educate others on the power of NO when you haven't even mastered the ability to say NO to yourself.
-Regards, a former sugar and video game addict.
CryptoOrchid 7y ago
Video games and sugar do not compare to cigarettes and or drugs.
Yeah you can be addicted to video games and sugar and anything, but trust me it's not the same.
It's not even in the same ballpark.
Zokalex 7y ago
Sugar is 8 times more addictive than cocaine. Just so you know.
CryptoOrchid 7y ago
I've read studies and research that discusses rats preference to Oreos rather than drugs, but there are some flaws in that research as well. Just as the test with drugs where they isolated animals and animals preferred drugs to food.
I'm not saying it's not difficult to give up sugar, but it doesn't hold a candle to say opiates in actual life.
You don't lose the ability to sleep when you stop Oreos. You don't get incredibly sick when you stop eating sugar (in comparison to physiological withdrawal from actual drugs.)
Everyone is different, sure, but the affect on the body of these things are comparing a mountain to a mole hill.
This is of course my own anecdotal experience and research. Just look at withdrawal forums for opiates.
It's not just a want for the drug, but the brains actual need for the drug to continue functioning appropriately.
You don't have seizures when you stop eating Oreos.
I just simply don't think the withdrawal effects compare.
It also depends utterly on the research you do and how you test these things. Again I say that the research has been flawed in many cases when doing these comparisons.
Zokalex 7y ago
Yeah I myself am skeptical to that research, just wanted to budge in on the conversation. What I do know is that a study gave to water solutions to rats, and every time rats would go to the water with sugar in it than the water with cocaine in it. Even the rats addicted to cocaine would ditch the cocaine water to go to the sugar water. Cigarettes are less addictive than meth and the withdrawal is less hard, yet the availability and the easiness to get the high, makes a stronger habit. Which ends percentages of cigarette adicts much higher than the meth adicts.
[deleted] 7y ago
Guess i should've thrown in the part where i was chain smoking from 16 to 18 and stopped cold turkey. I figured the two things i struggled with for 15 years would be more apt. Mainly the gaming. Its cost me jobs, family, affected my health, i literally went through withdrawls. 18+ hour game sessions were not out of the realm of possibility.
I most certainly can sympathize with an addict. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck etc. I was a pathetic and wretched human being back then.
Chemical dependence through dopamine is chemical dependence. Its a matter of cognitive dissonance on your part. Try not eating sugar and fucking around with your phone for weeks or even months. You'll definitely have your own trials.
If you haven't broken your addiction to games, social media, and sugar, you cannot speak on how they don't compare. The withdrawls from cigarettes may be more overt and immediate, but other dependencies are more pervasive, subtle, and sinister.
You're right, they're not even close.
CryptoOrchid 7y ago
Yes, you should have.. at least that shows you've dealt with physiological addiction.
So yes.... dopamine dependence is just that... however. There is a giant difference when you throw drugs into the mix.. you literally want to die when stopping. Cigarettes aren't like that, but I knew a girl that just quit cold and made it look easy. She also said it was... not so easy for me though. Shit was hard.
Drugs are by far the worst though. Quitting smoking just doesn't compare to that. And oddly enough, even that seems to be on different levels for people. Some people can quit smoking like it's nothing and some struggle for years.
It's an oddity how the brain works in that way. Hell, maybe even video games could be insane for some people whereas someone else can just stop. But nothing. Nothing I've been through compares to drugs.
Anyway ... congrats on quitting smoking. I smoked for years and eventually quit. It was hard. Glad it was easy for you. Not everyone is so lucky.
[deleted]
[deleted] 7y ago
It'd be cool if there was a book about this.
The title could be...
"When I say no i feel guilty"
waylonw 7y ago
I will certainly check this out, thanks!
antinatalist-mgtow 7y ago
Good job. This is something I need to do more of.
LawyerInTheMaking 7y ago
saying no is probably one of the biggest weapons a man can have in his arsenal. not just to say no to others but also to say no to yourself when the situation calls for it.
slamdunkfromarebound 7y ago
I like this thread. It seems like you're taking back some ground you've lost as a result of systematic radical feminism. Not that you specifically are the only one affected, but men in general have been negatively impacted by feminism. It's good to hear you're making progress!
Huskimbo9 7y ago
Ah ,the word "No" .the best wepon in verbal combat.the more you use it ,the less damns you have about how people feel after you say it.
One day i was at the grocery store getting some things for dinner. Went to the checkout line.infront of me was a lady with her daughter in tow putting things on the conveyor belt when she turned around and asked me if i could go get her a case of water. With no hesitation i fired that damn word at her and man....im willing to give up my next paycheck to see that look on her again. While bug eyed,she started repeating "no?", "no?","no?" I looked her in the eye and said it again and it looked like someone just cut the lights off inside of her an she shut down.
I mustve been the first person to ever tell her no because she then proceeded to call me every name in the book.she said to the lady at the register ,"this is why i dont date black men" (im black if that matters) yet her daughter was black as morris day . Im standing in line chuckling as shes quietly throwing a pissy fit until she slithers away in defeat.
So yep.....learn to say the word "No".
2kPoundGuerilla 7y ago
"No.. this is why black men don't date YOU"
sadomasochrist 7y ago
Of course it's a single mother.
Perceval7 7y ago
People can be really pathetic sometimes. Maybe if instead of saying nonsense she stopped for a while to think about the situation, she would've actually learned something.
dubMeistro 7y ago
Lol thanks for sharing man, gave me a genuine laugh. Also, props for standing your ground
[deleted]
ladrm 7y ago
More posts like this. Have an upvote.
dr_warlock 7y ago
When you start ridding of beta behaviours, you may notice a drop of female 'attention'. This just means they no longer find you useful for orbiting. That's a good thing.
[deleted]
kealh 7y ago
Yup, I recently asked a girl out and she give me the "lets just be friends". "No." Feel so good.
tropzumuch 7y ago
Now she is married with and laying in your basement, I guess?
[deleted] 7y ago
Your post reminded me of the fact that TRP is not just about slaying pussy. It's more about being a ubermensch; a man who can stand his ground and values self respect more then anything.
[deleted]
Perceval7 7y ago
This. This is why I've joined this sub! Every improvement we made should be done directly with ourselves in mind, not with what we might get from it. Improving is the reward. Everything else should be secondary.
[deleted]
[deleted] 7y ago
https://www.amazon.co.uk/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
But you seem to know most of that already.
You can actually use your natural altruism to justify a more realistic and self-concerned approach when you realise that boldness, confidence and assertiveness are gifts you give others not just yourself.
bobaisdope 7y ago
Thank you, OP! I need this so much, I was always a nice guy, I thought that if I act generously with "friends", so they will also treat me right, but that's not how the world works. No more Mr.Nice Guy.
TheSp4rk 7y ago
Gonna be fair with you - I was going to read your post but when you mentioned trying to stop smoking and how you're not able to, I plain stopped.
If you come here to dish out wisdom but you clearly struggle to apply it at a basic level where it is detrimental to your health and you know it but still do it, then I'm going to ignore the rest of your "wisdom".
waylonw 7y ago
I didn't say I wasn't "able to". I said I'm trying... it is another aspect of my life that I am working on. Yes, I am in the process of quitting. I am currently on Chantex to correct this issue.
I know some folks are able to quit issues and addictions cold turkey. To that I say good for you... I believe, even though I'm taking a different route, as long as the out come is the same I'm satisfied. Maybe some day we can all be perfect and wouldn't need this forum, but until that day I'll keep reading and learn from other folks that aren't perfect but are working on bettering themselves.
TheSp4rk 7y ago
Props for the reply and the effort. I invite you to leave the "Yah I know it's bad" out of the post, it takes away from the delivery and invites criticism.
waylonw 7y ago
I think I would've faced criticism either way, but it was part of my personal experience and I didn't want to leave the smoking part out. I know smoking is bad, that's why I identified as such. However, I could've used "in the process of quitting" rather than "trying to quit"... that probably would've made the difference. Eh, it is what it is. No use and sweating the word play now.
[deleted]