So I got this girl. Basically begging for my attention before and definitely considering me the top alpha that she can never get.
I was aware of this and teasing her for a couple of months in all the proper ways. She said she has had sexual fantasies of me for months and finally asked herself if she can come over to my place. So all was going supremely well.
But then I started showing my interest back and things took a downturn. I really liked her, but kinda labeled her as a very simple catch and so when I started showing my interest more, I was lazy and did not think I have to harness all the TRP principles.
Key mistakes I think I did: I did not set boundaries in small, daily things. I might have been too agreeable in conversation. I sort of began looking for her approval not vice versa. I think I overall showed too much willingness to move forward with her which killed the mystery.
So as a result, she has become from "burning with desire" to "lukewarm". She has not given me any negative signs and the contact is still positive, but the spark is gone.
Any advice on what to do here? Is there a way to get her back to the level we were at before?
I have several "social tools" that I can use. My "game" can be directly towards her. We also share many friends so I could correct my social behaviour within the entire group of friends. And I also have a girlfriend - I could be publicly more alpha with her, thus increasing my SMV. The positive end result would be that she would join me and my girlfriend in the relationship.
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
Yeah, too slow.
This is often the dynamic: women want what they can't have. Show too much interest and she loses all hers.
The trick is to keep them at a distance and place limits on them for a LONG TIME. A surprisingly long time. "Sure, we can meet up for an hour". "Not sure if I'm free next week, let's see how it goes". You never ever let this guard fully down. You don't let your guard down one fucking iota before sex has happened twice.
Well done on spotting all that you did wrong.
You have been A GOOD FRIEND TO HER.
Now you are trapped in "trying to make it work". THIS IS THE WRONG MINDSET.
Correct mindset is: "this is not working for me, NEXT".
Stop trying to make it work.
Tighten your game, and stop directing it towards This One Special Girl.
Oh god, this just isn't going to work.
Be more cocky, more alpha, less agreeable, stop Trying To Make It Work.... push things gently forwards, bail if not working. Keep very strict limits on your commitments, back off faster when girls show disinterest.
[deleted] 2y ago
[--removed--]
TomDanser 2y ago
Took a few times reading but good point there!
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
Have you actually gotten physical with this girl yet or just hung out at your place/talked about sex? It's not clear what actual progress you have made with this girl based on your post details.
Edit: also, does she know about your girlfriend? If so was this before or after she started losing interest
TomDanser 2y ago
Yes, gotten physical in all levels except I refused to have sex with her multiple times, saying its not time yet. But been physical in all other ways including tied her to the bed and flogged her and all other kinky stuff :D
She knows about my girlfriend, we have "gotten physical" together as well.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
Wait, why on earth would you purposefully refuse to have sex with her multiple times? This is absolutely shooting yourself in the dick.
Saying no to a woman when you absolutely can't (legitimate reason you cannot have sex in a moment) can have the effect of making her want it that much more badly, but repeatedly?
TomDanser 2y ago
It's something I like to do to build extra tension. I am not in a lack of potential partners so it does not make me feel like I missed out on anything. Plus I like to set some groundwork between the two people before I offer her my time & energy (sex). They say women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. I like to take full control of the sex part, too and let her know this is never something she can use to influence me. Edit: Sex with me is something they should earn.
But do you think it might have caused harm viewed from her side?
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
You're lying to yourself. Your post title is literally "Never should have made this mistake. Can I turn it back?" Even if you have abundance it got to you enough to make a detailed post about it.
You shot yourself in the dick. She wanted to be fucked and you didn't step up to the occasion with the sole reason of trying to build additional tension. You might be able to turn it around if you just fuck her like she was begging.
There was no reason to hold out like you did. Self-inflicted injury and unforced error on your part.
TomDanser 2y ago
Yes, I am a competitive guy and I'd hate a fail in one of my favourite aspects of life :D But I do see that I had gotten lazy (or too comfortable) with my game in some aspects and turning the tables seems tricky enough to ask for some good fellow advice!
But awesome, your advice does makes sense and you're probably right.
I guess I'll go with doing nothing at all until another chance to go for the epic fuck session appears. Any other contribution to her before the sex would cause further complications.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
This isn't any attempt to throw shade at you, just think about from her perspective:
Guy she crazy wants to fuck keeps saying no. She's got no outlet for her desires so she just stops holding her breath for it.
Same guy simultaneously starts showing increased interest and investment before sex and looking for approval (beta) when you already had her in the palm of your hand
She's got to be confused as hell and frustratingly disappointed at the whole situation. Imagine if a woman did that to you, would you be excited or bummed out
TomDanser 2y ago
Yep, totally see what you mean here. I'll give her time to get over being bummed out. I believe there will be a chance to escalate things the right way again and before that it's just best to not add any further confusion to the situation.
I agree, I ended up sending too many mixed signals here.
I'll take some time to go over all TRP principles again and make sure I get back into the habit of using them every time, with all women. Then this situation wont repeat itself in future cases.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
That sounds good man. But seriously, credit to you for holding multiple prospects out there and having abundance.
We all have to face the upper limits of our successes from time to time and calibrate accordingly. Seems like you have a plan
TomDanser 2y ago
Yeah, building intense emotionally binding relationships with women is a long time passion of mine, but publicly going for multiple of those adds another layer of complexity too. Which is why I am keen on learning more and doing it. The more intricate stories I can create with these people the more I enjoy it. The plan is to have both LTR's (or more) living with me in the end. Whenever I get to that level.
Thanks for the honest advice. It helped me see an important flaw in my system!
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
No problem man, stay true to your goal, sounds like overall you have good game and skills
whytehorse2021 2y ago
This happens in my marriage sometimes. You just gotta get your frame back. Dominance works. I had a major fail one time and I had to lecture my wife, make her get a job, learn to drive, neg her hard, and fuck the living shit out of her but she came around.
TomDanser 2y ago
Yep. I do believe re-establishing all the principles again should bring her around just like my sloppiness took her out of it.
placer 2y ago
The thing about threesomes is this: They can have this way of killing LTRs. You may be able to pull off a threesome with this new girl and your girlfriend, but there’s a pretty good chance both of them will break up with you and end up hating you (see what happened to Richard Carrier).
Cheating on your girlfriend is also a very dangerous area; if you get caught, you can lose both girls and be back at square one.
Polyamorous relationships are a lot less stable overall than monogamous relationships, and the question here is this: Is a threesome worth losing the LTR over? Is getting pussy on the side worth losing the LTR over?
TomDanser 2y ago
I have a good system in place for this case and it will not cause problems to the current LTR: I always state that the longer lasting relationship has higher priority in case any issues want to arise. This will keep both in check. Also, my previous LTR ex will always have higher priority than the current LTR. Because one of them I know for 10 years, the other for 3.
I don't really care about pussy too much. I like creating stories and relationships between people and the more complex (in a good way) and refined I can get with them the more I like it.
I don't see danger in sleeping with others if I want it. I just do it, be open about it and it does not cause issues. I am openly flirty and physical with almost every girl I know, including my friends girlfriends. But I am very choosy about who I have sex with because for me sex is an act of creating commitment in the other person.