Preface: 31M Virgin. Have yet to have any success. Have been implementing some advice from my last post and landed a date through acting confident/aloof with a girl I work with.
First date went well, acted confident/did kino. Ended the date by kissing her, and she was super into it. Said we should get dinner, maybe hang at her or my place that night. She laughed and said nice try. Made my first mistake, I went on vacation the next day so I didn’t text/contact her for a week. I think the main issue here is that due to circumstance there was too long between first and second date.
Since I’ve been back I’ve been trying to get her on a second date three times. She seems kinda into it but never initiates. One time I asked her for dinner the next day and she asked me to come over right away to help get a spider out of her bathroom. I told her I was busy with friends and would come over in 3ish hours. Two hours she texts me she took care of it and didn’t need help anymore. Tried to reschedule with her over a call, and she seemed into dinner and movie at my place a couple days later. Day of, she cancelled saying she was tired and had work early the next morning. I called her and told her she should still come over, it’ll be fun. She said no, and I think I let a little frustration come out and said cool, have a good night, and hung up. Pretty sure it’s not happening, but if she texts me I’ll reengage, but I have no plans reaching out again.
Questions: 1) Is there anyway to bridge the gap when there’s a long time between dates? 2) Did I fuck up not dropping what I was doing to come over to her house right away?
Answering my own questions: 1) No, I should just plan better so there’s no long amounts of time between dates. 2) I don’t think so, I think it would have been a wimpy thing to do to drop everything and run over to her house.
Overall pleased with how the first date went, but very discouraged because I thought I was finally going to lose my V card. Going to try to put myself back out there soon but haven’t had any other success besides this one. Thanks y’all.
joyboy 19h ago
Bro wtf she wanted to smash
No-Stress-Cat 2 3h ago
Took her only 2 hours to "take care of it" lol.
rittler 9h ago
"One time I asked her for dinner the next day and she asked me to come over right away to help get a spider out of her bathroom"
you went wrong here!!! she called you over to smash . WTF! - If you were 3 hours away, tell her you'll be late, but will be there.
And now, she prob thinks you're not interest or, a dweeb.
Best course of action. Leave her be for at least 2 to 3 weeks. I'd try to go for a month. but you know your situation better.
After that, reply to her story on IG or Whatspp (ONLY IF WHAT YOU REPLY IS NATURAL, FUNNY.. DO NOT TRY TO FORCE A CONVERSATION. if something funny comes to mind, text that. if not, remain silent.)
PS: All PUA, RP rules, or advice are not written in stone laws. Each person, situation differs. use your head, and do what makes sense, and is NORMAL. Don't try to over complicate shit.
First-light 2 4h ago
You did come over rather uninterested. People can really sperg out over the "no contact except logistics" idea. Its only there to stop guys sperging out and ruining their chances with lots of needy texting or texting that reveals things about them that are red flags. It works best for dates with unknown women and its not really a rule at all. In your case you already know her from work. I expect you communicate with work colleagues. Is she not more important than others as she is considering letting you smash her?
Look at this the other way round. A girl goes on a first date with you and then buggers off on holiday and makes no contact with you for a week, then refuses to hep you when you ask her. When I was a young man before any of this mobile phone nonsense, a post card would still have been expected, perhaps even walking to make a surprise call from a pay phone, if you thought she was keen. These days you could have given her updates and asked how she was. She is not a stranger and she is considering being closer to you but as per Briffault's law there needs to be benefit to her in that but you appear to her to have no time for a woman.
Yes girls do abuse orbiters by making them visit to do minor things but this didn't sound like a call to an orbiter but an invitation to a suitor. It is also very true that a girl will often ask for "manly" help if she is in to you. To them it is the same as them baking biscuits for you or sewing on a lost button. It can really help them feel you are someone looking to bond with and care for them. It turns them on to see their feminine energy pulling in your masculine energy. A man needs to discern which type of call he is getting but don't miss out on that sort of call again. You might get a cooked meal or at least a sandwich or better you might get to make out and wake up to hear "What happened? I never normally do this". It really is a good sign so long as she is not considering you an orbiter. Later once you have a relationship you may have to ration it or your friends will make whip crack noises when you leave them to remove a spider but she was probably inviting you closer here and you should have gone. Its not like actually she can't deal with a spider. She has been a single women before. Even if she hates spiders she will know how to use a jar and a card. She was very likely inviting you to take care of her.
Right now if you want to stand a chance, forget being cocky and aloof. In the name of all the gods don't simp out and bombard her with begging but go and make a clear play for her. Make it clear you want her and that you want to be present. In the end slutty women will wait in line to get to bang an Uber Chad but you are not an Uber Chad. You are an awkward virgin. If she is considering you, you can't fake being super high value, especially when she works with you and knows who you are. You have to deliver value. That does not mean simping or paying for everything but it does mean stepping forward to offer to be her guy. You have to be present if you expect her to be present. You may get your pride hurt if you make a clear play and she says no but if you want her, you will have to take a risk. Faint heart never did...
Just spend time with women who are attracted to you and nature will do the rest. Your V card will be ash with no real effort once you establish a relationship but a relationship is work and a commitment of time. Casual smashing is another thing. Its best to master having a girlfriend first. When you have minimal experience, its really best not to try to apply a lot of PUA stuff to an honest attempt to be your girlfriend.
Musicgoon78 3 3h ago
Ok I want to help here bro, there are a few mistakes, but these are calibration errors not true dire mistakes.
Let's start with your first question: One: This isn't about planning better, this is about integration.
Let's say you have a good date. You're going to tell the girl. "This was fun. I want to hang out with you again. I'm going to Myrtle Beach for the week so you're going to have to be patient (shit eating grin) I'll shoot you a text sometime during the week and we will work out a time and place".
This is where you show interest but you're not needy. It tells her you're going to reach out and leaves the door open. On your trip you get to demonstrate value send her a pic of something. "Look at this sunset" or I just has the most amazing cake that my aunt made". Keep her engaged in your story while giving her a bit of attention.
Now you're going to get a lot of spergs on here bitching that you shouldn't give a woman attention ever and you should only text for logistics. Don't listen. These are the guys that aren't getting laid. Keep her engaged and she won't lose interest.
Two: It's quite possible that she wanted to smash, it's also possible that it was a compliance test. So here's the thing, you're the man. You set the pace and the frame. So as a guy who gets laid I can tell you that if I have shit to do I'm not dropping it regardless. You're not her dancing monkey or errand boy, fuck that!
So here's what to do: Set the frame first. "Spider" huh? I see what you did there (smirk emoji). I would love to visit your house but I'm occupied until ____ time.
If that doesn't work how about Friday at 6. I'l take care of any spiders and address other things that may need "attention"...
If she laughs and likes this, she wanted you to smash and then you will later. If she gets butt hurt and meant this literally, you are her beta errand boy. In this case, you fucking bail because you know how she feels about you.
In the future just be flirty and keep the inertia going. You can do that by just a bit of playful banter while you're busy.
mattyanon Admin 2h ago
OP: this is a solid reply
mattyanon Admin 2h ago
Please try to stop defining yourself as a virgin. It won't last forever, and why bother?
You're just a guy who hasn't had sex yet. No big deal. I lost my virginity very late too, it doesn't matter.
"Work with" is terrible, you know that right? I'll continue, but this is a major fuckup.
Ok, so top respect here. That's a solid date plan: escalate to kissing. If you can get that far, you are literally 90% of the way to sex. This is the hardest part: getting dates and kissing that she's into.
Well fucking done.
Ok, so here we go with the LMR.
Dinner is terrible. You're expected to pay and noone looks good eating. It's straight into provider behaviour. You know better.
As regards your place or her place: you were vague and had no plan. That's fine, this is a first date.
Here's a good line for you: "I'd like to continue this, we can go back to mine, but no funny business". You instantly steal her line, and you look high value and choosy, and you've taken sex off the table.
She's a colleague. First date sex can go around the office. She knows this. You know this. This is expected.
Fucking terrible. You keep in touch that night "Get home safe girl". You text the next day "I really enjoyed last night". That's it - you're not pushing for a date, you're just reassuring her that you had a good time.
Nah, that can work. But the no contact is bad.
Three times? That makes no sense. If she's interested, it's easy.
Her never initiating is normal - she's female. They basically don't initiate with men until you've fucked them, it's just how they're wired.
Dinner is terrible, why are you paying for her food?
WHAT
THE
FUCK.
Ok, so let's establish facts here. She has "a spider" in her bathroom. She can ask a neighbour or about 100 other male friends to remove it. Instead she asks you to come over, a guy who has recently been on a hot date with her.
To come over.
To her house.
To remove a spider that honestly she could remove herself.
You understand what's going on here right? You're not completely retarded?
Right. You turned down her BLINDINGLY OBVIOUS OFFER OF SEX and for some weird reason she went off the idea of sex with you.
So let's see..... she wants you to come over RIGHT NOW, and you're moving back to dinner and movie. Uh huh.
Never do this. If she says no, you say "that's cool, I'm going to hit a bar" or something. You don't offer, you don't persuade.
The reasons they give are often bullshit anyway, so no point arguing about it.
Good chance she met someone else
Yes, see above.
Oh yes my dude, you really did.
Nope, long gaps is fine.
Yeah, totally wimpy to go over and accept a girl's invite to be alone with her in her house.
Dude, she didn't say "come fix my plumbing" or "come over and fix my car" ...... it's a fucking spider. I bet when you got there, she'd have it removed.
You want to really not get into her frame, you do a swap. "Ok, I'll remove your spider, I bet it's fucking terrifying. Wear something nice for me." Now you've set the frame as a date.
You should be, you did great.
I know this is a big ask, but here's the thing. You're going to build a life of sexual abundance. Lots of sexual opportunities. There's going to be lots of girls. It's not about the next girl or even the next 10 girls, you're building yourself and your life to get lots of women, and the virginity thing doesn't really matter - so stop making it matter.
Well, you've done a lot right.
And a lot wrong.
That's ok, it's all a journey.
Avoid colleagues though.
And this girl? Just be friendly and polite, and stop inviting her out.