Hi, I’ve posted here years ago about the same problem with multiple accounts and swore I wouldn’t post again, but I’m in a shitty situation. I’m 32, an average graphic designer. I live in a Muslim-majority country; however, I’m no longer a Muslim. My family is dysfunctional. My toxic, shaming mom is the boss and sees masculinity as bad behavior, so I’ve been emasculated since I was born. My dad is her nice-guy bitch. He used to hit me from when I was 4 (what I remember) up until I was 13. He was messed up in the head—he hit hard—then he changed and became a pacifist for some reason, yet he never taught me anything.
Growing up I had a really big head for my body and was bullied every day until I was about 17. In middle school I had a crush on a girl and she even asked me out. I was so shy I said yes, then started avoiding her for a while. Later I started joking and teasing her until she hit me in front of the whole class and I became the joke of the classroom.
The next year I started bullying people (verbally) and learned how to banter. In high school multiple opportunities came up to fuck multiple girls. One even asked by shaking my hand and doing that thing with her finger after coming to my classroom and stalking me for weeks. I just didn’t do it and felt miserable because I wanted to have sex so badly. In the final year of high school a girl was interested in me and I was interested in her. She invited me to walk her home and asked me to come inside. At that moment my life went to shit—I froze like my mind left my soul for 15 seconds. By the time I came back she had already walked away and I felt like shit. I developed feelings and oneitis, but she friendzoned me. I got depressed but started reading some of what is called redpill books today (not pure redpill, but close). This was in 2014. Weirdly she fell in love with me, but I made the same mistake again—I didn’t fuck her—so she went back to her old boyfriend. Then I completely lost my shit. I had a psychosis, got fat after being fit, started antidepressants, had a manic episode (bipolar 1), and was unstable for four years. I had a second manic episode in 2019, then stabilized, went to college, and got a bachelor’s degree. In college a girl almost begged me to fuck her, but I didn’t and just fled like usual. Next I worked in an ad agency. I saw an opportunity with Facebook ads, so I gave my unemployed younger brother’s number to clients from the agency. I paid for the ads and received 60% of the profit. I stopped working at the agency for a while but things were going fine with the ads. I also did posters for them and gave my brother 25% of the design work. He had all the contacts though. I thought I had figured it out and wouldn’t have money problems anymore. Then he asked for 50% instead of 40%. I refused, then agreed. Then he said he would do it all alone and I found myself with zero clients. He betrayed me.
I went back to the old agency and worked there for a year. Then the manager started humiliating me by refusing work that clients had already approved. Meanwhile I learned to do animated menus and thought I could do that online, so I quit a good-paying job. I got a few clients, then started losing them because of my talking (trauma fawning) and being needy. I have some money but I can’t buy a house yet, and people here don’t rent apartments to single men easily. I don’t get many clients—maybe one or two small orders from old clients at most, sometimes none. When I do ads, clients just disappear once they talk to me.
My number one problem is trauma responses (fawn and freeze). I freeze in confrontations and let anyone humiliate me because I just disconnect from reality when attacked verbally or physically. I joined a boxing gym. When I got in the ring I left my body and just took hit after hit. The coach asked me to step out. I quit later because of my herniated disc and back problems (I couldn’t walk for a week after one session). For the past three months I’ve been lifting, but two incidents made me decide to stay home and not leave. A neighbor started attacking us verbally. I went to him, he tried to hit me with a stick, and I completely froze and just looked at him. I felt so depressed because I couldn’t even protect my family. Then yesterday I had enough. I went to the shop next door that has this cocky owner. I asked for something in a clear voice and he didn’t answer. I froze for 20 seconds while he completely ignored me, leaving me standing there like an idiot. Then his daughter came and gave me what I wanted.I can’t stand the humiliation anymore, especially since I can’t do anything about it and I can’t afford online therapy living in a third-world country. Some might call me a coward, but I just can’t help it. I don’t talk to my family (not even my mom for a week now) even though I live with them because I read multiple books on CPTSD and I know that my parents are the cause for it and being with them only deepen the wound. I didn’t eat much today because I didn’t buy anything and I don’t want to go out anymore. I’m thinking of talking to my mom again just so I can pay her to buy me stuff. I’m lost.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 8h ago Stickied
I don't mean disrespect but there is no AskTRP question in this post. It's a massive backstory and in the rules it says this is AskTRP not telltrp
Your post amounts to talking about high stress, shitty situations, and not taking care of yourself
Sounds like you just want a magic answer even though you don't have a question
This question really does not belong in AskTRP because the only solution you have is to get out of these stressors by moving in with sane people, taking care of yourself, avoiding being around all these people stressing you out and finding some way to make money
That's what makes this an inappropriate AskTRP question. Additionally you say you posted here already over the years so it's clear that you don't listen to advice you are given if you're in a worst place than ever
This is not a trp problem this is a mental health issue and you should either take what I answered with or find an appropriate forum for this
Your only two choices are to get away from these stressors or pretend they don't bother you. You're not getting a magical third option from the guys on this forum
Vermillion-Rx Admin 8h ago
Cc: @Typo-MAGAshiv
0to1 8h ago
Yeah you're right, i didn't ask the direct question. I freeze when in confrontation, i can't help it. i tried my best to solve this, and therapists are usually useless, is this fixable, because if not i'll die like i am now. even if i leave the house, people will try to fuck with me and i won't say shit. tried what people here said before, making money, lifting martial arts but i'm stuck. if this ain't the place for this then i won't publish here anymore.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 7h ago
Look man I also have bipolar disorder and some degree of trauma.
You really just need to make life choices dude. No one is going to come in on their golden steed and save you as a man
You really just have to do things
There is no other cope you have. Just do things to fix your lot in life.
You need to stop freezing at work and leaving high paying jobs/etc.
You need to start compartmentalizing your traumas and the rest of your life, especially if these things are inherently unrelated
Not holding down really good work because you won't brave through it is the worst thing you can do for your circumstances
I'm not saying this to diminish your experiences, I'm saying this because you don't have any other choices
mattyanon Admin 8h ago
You have full trauma, possibly PTSD or similar.
Yep.
Ok, big picture, you need two things:
Get treatment for your trauma. It's deep seated, physiological at this point, and needs treating.
0to1 7h ago
Thank you for your answer.
First-light 2 1h ago
From what you have written, there is a mental health problem here that is not being solved by normal means. I would seek some professional help here. I would keep doing all of the self help things like taking responsibility for your failures, practising good habits and trying to gradually expose yourself to things you find challenging to condition yourself but I would also seek some professional help. It sounds, from what you have written, like you need to escape a conditioned response to freeze up when in a challenging situation.
Finding good help can be very difficult as mental health is a frontier and there are competing theories and gurus out there. I think a good approach might be first to get a thorough diagnosis. You don't want to self diagnose and then seek help from a specialist in that field in case you are missing part of the picture. This may well, for example, be about your parents and how they treated you but not every man would have this strong a reaction to this treatment by his parents. There may be an innate weakness that is a cause of this problem as well as a circumstantial one.
There is rarely one magic bullet and whatever help you get it will in the end also require you to sort things out in practise. Its like a man with a broken leg. The radiographer can diagnose the fracture, the doctors can numb is pain and pin the bone back together, the nurses can set the bone in a cast, the the physio can give him exercises to recover his movement and strength but in the end he will have to do the exercises and walk himself, even if it is painful at first. When you know what you are dealing with, when you have got any medication that might help, do find someone who can give you practical exercises and solutions to build your confidence. Only you can walk the walk when it comes to wining with people. Get strong and motivated enough.
It is worth investing time and money in getting the right people. I would do this as a priority before worrying about where you live. You can run away form people but wherever you go, there you will be, with all your baggage and issues. If money is limited, I would prioritise diagnosis and treatment over change of scenery.