The community seems to be divided onto explicit boundaries esentially being, as Rollo explained, a form of mate-guarding with negative long term effects and that a girl will naturally behave within reasonable, implied boundaries from a guy who is her "alpha", and on the other hand onto them being fine and even necessary if presented as "personal boundaries" and not just simply "controlling".
The first approach assumes granting total freedom and examining behaviour, and then nexting when implicit boundaries are breached, the second assumes stating them openly when needed/asked ("my girlfriend can't do..." etc).
Both have some sense to me. Any open boundary is preventing a girl from doing what she would otherwise do, which isn't ideal, and why does she want to do that which requires a boundary in the first place? However, it seems unlikely for any girl to perfectly fit in a presupposed mould of behaviour, especially over many years, especially in today's day n age.
What is the more correct approach?
RedPepper 1d ago
To me it seems like there is a certain limit until which a behaviour warrants an open boundary being stated and that is fine, which when passed either shows that you have failed in the relationship or that the girl herself was simply not vetted properly, and only option is hard. As an exaggeration, being asked if you're open to being cucked transcends any sort of need for boundaries etc. The problem is, then, perhaps, finding where to draw this line.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1d ago
Don't overthink it.
If she fits what you want, keep her around.
If she displeases you, discard her.
Overkill_Engine Endorsed Contributor 11h ago
I swear like 90% or so of askTRP posts feature the overthinking >>> trying to solve the pussy password puzzle pipeline. Always trying to find a backdoor cheat code (↑, ↑, ↓, ↓, ←, →, ←, →, B, A) that allows them to "fix" a woman or her lack of desire instead of nutting up and executing "next".
Newbs need to realize that the most important thing they can do is fix themselves so that they are able to "next" at will; which paradoxically helps ensure that they don't need to as often. Women notice when a man can just bail if he wants while replacing her with no problem and become way more compliant as a result. And for the ones that are slow learners...."next" is ready to rock.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 10h ago
Oh, there totally is one, and I revealed it here.
I don't think OP is ready for that.
Just don't forget the onion.
Musicgoon78 3 9h ago
Lol! I love the Contra reference and totally agree.
First-light 2 1d ago
The two approaches taken to absolutes are opposite ends of a spectrum. For most people it is wisest to aim in the middle of the spectrum and then adjust a little depending on your character and a little depending on hers as you get to know it.
Some people will not work well together full stop. Others can with a little adjustment. No one is a perfect fit.
If you do not ever discuss expectations you are as dumb as one of those women who expects her man to mind read what she wants. If you are always analy harping on about your rules you are in danger of being a little man with an inadequacy problem.
Ideally (and this is ideally, reality will n=mess this up to some extent) talk about boundaries fairly relaxed and from time to time. Learn what hers are, tell her what yours are, debate and compromise where there is a gap. If you can't compromise, then consider if either she is inadequate or you are too demanding.
Women are not as good at compromise as most men because they tend to be more self centred, so they do need to know what you like and then want to please you. Wanting to please you will get further than appeals to fairness, so ideally don't wait till she has done wrong then appeal to fairness. Women are better at compliance and agreeability than men. Note the compliance is to their social group not to you as their lord and master. So consider her social group. If she is a polygamous mormon, you will probably get to lay down your rules firmly but you will have to go to church a lot to pay for that. If she has a liberal arts degree she will expect to lay down the law to you because women are amazing and men are bad people.
You can't out alpha the hive once the honeymoon period runs out. So talk early talk when the stakes are low and there is no risk of losing anything because no one has done anything.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1d ago
Boundaries need to always be overt so there is no confusion or gotcha traps, and when I set boundaries I ask two questions:
1) is this boundary necessary for a relationship ?
2) is this boundary bad for someone's well-being?
If not having a boundary would hurt the relationship make a boundary. If it would be terrible for someone's mental health don't make it a boundary.
Example boundary: no girls nights out at bars, pickup joints, different states/countries (no girls trips). But yes to having female friends and they can go to lunch, restaurants, and tame places people aren't going to get laid. They just have to say where they are going and with who. Shouldn't be hard to contact them while they are out with their girls and they should be home at a reasonable time.
It would be unreasonable and unhealthy to say "no chick friends and no feminine time the the girls" for example. But it would be reasonable to eliminate basic threats and untrustworthy situations from your relationship
SwarmShawarma 1d ago
Super reasonable.
It gets calibration to know what boundaries can be set or not, but also there are hacks.
Women seem to be more psychologically flexible if they care to do something for you ( but really themselves).
It will fuck them up only after a break up.
It is in their interest not to have too many bad breakups.
Based on an example.
One I train now will be totally fucked after exp she got with me.
She agreed to obey to certain boundaries and expectations. But I'm trying to balance it as I dont want her to become damaged while she is in it with me.
I need to remind myself that it looks like, exactly this is what she needs to be happy.
Post reply edit
It doesn't have to be bad break up per se (drama and shit), BAD here means that the amount of experience is unlikely to be ever exceeded by any following guy.
Its called "alpha widowed ", but the guy doesn't necessarily need be that alpha, but will provide the certain unforgettable set of experiences.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1d ago
Yes I would say women do conform to even some boundaries they otherwise wouldn't agree with because they either don't want to lose their relationship or want to please their man (even if they haven't yet mentally accepted the boundary as reasonable)
And yes bad breakups (and relationships) seem to really hurt women even when they initiated the breakup. Bad breakups seem to be worse for women that bad body counts from what I've seen (and usually have a bi-directional relationship in some cases)
Yeah, a lot of guys take boundaries so overboard that it kills their woman's spirit and she becomes an obedient drone who is miserable and dead inside. You still want your woman to be a free thinker and a free spirit with her own agency so long as her free-spirited agency doesn't demolish your trust, respect, or relationship
I see too many guys make ultra paranoid boundaries and train their girl to die on the inside. You can't have a good relationship that has had the life in her eyes dimmed out. Guys need to have relationship dynamics based on inspiration and passion, not obligation and coercion.
At the same time if a woman cannot understand why women need to follow boundaries she is unsuitable for a relationship. Being single and taken are two very different worlds for women and she needs to understand a relationship requires sacrifice and taking care herself off the market
Musicgoon78 3 9h ago
Bro, you're asking a highly subjective question so I'll try to give an answer here. Some boundaries are hard lines in the sand.
Like I don't tolerate public or private disrespect. And a woman hitting me is an immediate next. Some of these I assume they won't cross so I don't state them. In the case of disrespect, I state the boundary after she has violated it and that's the warning shot. That's the "I'm only going to state this once" boundary.
Now, boundaries without consequences are simply preferences. So the question is not what is your boundary, but what are the consequences of crossing it?
Now this also works in reverse: If I state this boundary what are the consequences of stating it with her?
For example: a few guys have the boundary of "my girl doesn't have a girl's night out ever" If that's the hill you want to die on, so be it. That boundary isn't about her actions it's about your insecurities. The subtext is that you're worried about infidelity or just simply lack confidence in your ability to keep her around. So the consequence of you stating this "boundary" is that you look rigid, insecure and controlling. These are not attractive traits and she will most likely either find someone else or sneak around to have her friendships. This boundary isn't about girl's night it's a boundary about her not communicating what she wants and most guys not wanting her to cheat. "Don't cheat on me" doesn't need to be an overt boundary.
My big suggestion is to simply write down how you would like to be treated by a woman at a bare minimum this is you foundation of boundaries and will give you a place to go. Then decide if they need to be overt or covert. There's no right answer as to when or how you can state them. Don't mistake your own insecurities as boundaries. Boundaries are about her concrete actions, not your insecurities. The last thing to remember is the more you date the more your boundary list will change.
You've got this brother! I hope this helps guide you a bit.