Context / Situation
I was in an on-and-off relationship with a girl for about 4 years. We were in different cities most of the time.
First breakup: after ~1 year (3 months apart), then got back together easily
Second breakup: around 2–2.5 years in (6 months apart), then got back together again
Final breakup: after ~4 years, still separated now
The dynamic was very simple: Mostly sexual relationship (we met at home, didn’t really go out, no dates/activities) Strong physical attraction from her side, very high desire I kept communication limited (sometimes 2–3 days no contact, usually only talking at night) I was always clear: no marriage, no kids
On her side: Very loyal (as far as I could verify) Removed other men from social media Gave me full access to her phone, stayed with me for long periods Never complained about the lifestyle (no dates, mostly sex, limited communication)
Key Turning Point (Main Problem) After the 6-month breakup, I saw other girls. When we got back together, she knew about it. However, I continued seeing one of those girls (so effectively cheating). She checked my phone behind my back → found out Big fight → I blocked the girl → things calmed down
Then after few months: The same girl followed me again on Instagram → I accepted We fought again → I told her she can’t control who I follow She acted like she accepted it But behind the scenes: She contacted that girl Got full confirmation of everything (meeting, details, etc.)
Second Turning Point (Escalation) At that time, I had planned to visit her in her city for a few days. For ~2 weeks before the visit, she acted completely normal Told me she loved me, missed me, etc. Did NOT reveal she knew everything
When I arrived: She confronted me immediately Said she only brought me there to tell me and send me back From there: Huge arguments I denied everything and reframed it as happening during the breakup Eventually convinced her to continue the relationship
Even after that: The trip was full of tension, fights, and exhaustion Aftermath of That Event After returning home: I flipped the situation and blamed her for “lying and trapping me” Told her trust was broken (even though I was the one cheating) Said I lost feelings and needed time
Then few months later: More fights over time I asked for a 1-month “break” (not breakup) Expected her to fully apologize for what she did (the “trap”) She: Apologized partially, but didn’t fully accept blame the way I wanted Final Phase
After the break: She came back very cold, distant, and confrontational 3 days of constant tension and arguments Then I: Got fed up Ended things and blocked her
Important point: In previous breakups, she never let it end like this. She always came back or stayed responsive.
This time: No response After ~2 weeks → removed me from social media Completely cut off My Reaction & Her Final Decision
After ~1 month: I felt bad for what i did i reached out again She ignored calls for about a week Eventually spoke → very cold, firm decision
She said: I never treated her well We never went out, never did anything But: She NEVER complained about this during the relationship
Final outcome: She refused to come back Completely detached despite years of high attraction and compliance
My Hypotheses I have a few possible explanations but I’m not sure which one actually matters:
Frame drop due to business struggles After the “trap” situation, we stayed together for ~4–5 months. During that time, I had just launched my business. I was talking to her about not having many clients Expressing frustration/disappointment regularly Even though financially I was completely fine and stable I’m wondering if talking about these difficulties could have made me lose frame in her eyes, even if objectively I wasn’t struggling.
Life upgrade on her side (job + independence) This part happened very late in the relationship, around the final phase. During the 1-month break I asked for, she got a job Most likely around 2 weeks into that break She did NOT inform me about it when we resumed talking for those 3 days after the break She also didn’t mention that her grandmother had passed away I only found out about both: After the final breakup When I reached out again (about a month later), mainly because I felt bad after learning about her grandmother At that point, I discovered she had already started working and kept all of this completely to herself. So I’m thinking: She may have gained independence very quickly in that short period Her mindset may have shifted without me realizing Possibly met someone else through that new environment
Accumulated resentment finally breaking point Even though she never complained during the relationship: No dates Mostly sexual dynamic Limited communication Cheating + denial Maybe she tolerated everything until a certain threshold, and once it was crossed, she mentally checked out completely.
Main Question What actually caused the final switch? Why did she go from high desire + always coming back → to completely cold and done? Why didn’t she come back this time like before? Was it a single event (cheating exposure, “trap”, frame drop), or a cumulative effect over time? Looking for a clear, honest analysis of the dynamic.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1w ago
Don't promise/grant exclusivity/monogamy unless you're going to be exclusive/monogamous.
If you don't want to be exclusive, then say so and let the ones who won't accept that go.
If you say you're exclusive and go back on it, don't be surprised if the one you broke the promise to leaves.
Desire won't always overcome self-respect.
Carav66 1w ago
Thanks, I get your point.
What I don’t fully understand though is, if it was about self-respect, why didn’t she leave right when she found out? She stayed another 4–5 months after knowing everything.
That’s why I feel like something else must have changed later.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1w ago
You'll never know for sure, but I doubt her leaving was over any one thing. It rarely is. It's most likely a culmination of many factors stacked together. That, and she may have wrestled with the decision for a while.
Thing is, the purpose of Red Pill praxeology isn't to understand one particular woman's motives in one particular relationship or to bang one particular woman; it's to make yourself more attractive to more women to increase your odds of success.
Additionally, have you read any MRP material? Are you familiar with having a balance of alpha/arousal and beta/comfort? Because this reads like you provided zero comfort, especially with cheating after promising monogamy.
Just don't promise monogamy if you don't want it. Simple.
GeorgeIII 1 1w ago
Mostly copy pasted from another post.
———
Re-read what you wrote. Imagine a close, male friend of yours was in this exact situation. And that he asked you for your opinion on this relationship.
What would you tell him? Would you tell him he handled this relationship well? Or not well?
Take that answer, and apply it to yourself.
Carav66 1w ago
Fair point, appreciate it.
Honestly, I think I followed red pill principles overall and handled most of the relationship well. There were moments where I treated her badly, I won’t deny that, but in my mind that was more like correcting or reacting to her emotional behavior.
At the end, I did reach out again, which I know is a total frame loss. That was a moment of weakness, especially with her grandmother passing, I felt bad and expected she’d be receptive.
What puzzles me is that despite everything and the previous pattern, she didn’t come back at all this time. That’s the part I’m trying to understand.
GeorgeIII 1 1w ago
I disagree with you here. I think this relationship was not handled well at all, at least from what you wrote. Maybe there’s better stuff that happened behind the scenes, but what I see here is bad.
I see a lot of I Instagram drama, a lot of back and forth, a lot of secret keeping for the purpose of getting away with stuff (some of both you and her)
I’m also not convinced you kept frame either. What was the model for the relationship you had in mind? Did it change drastically, or often? Did you follow through on your model? Breaking up and getting back together is a sign you didn’t have a clear idea of these things, or that you at least didn’t stick to your plan.
I’m not sure what red pill principles you think you followed. I don’t see a clear frame in your writing. Is your idea of red pill giving minimal comfort and keeping your options as open as possible?
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
This is an absolute recipe for disaster in the first place. If it doesn't work out the first time and stay worked out it is already over
Nothing you typed after this changes that fact
Any breakup, no matter how short, should signify problems too deep to reconcile between intimate partners
I would move on and enjoy your peace
Carav66 1w ago
I get your point, thanks.
Just to clarify, the previous breakups weren’t over major issues,mostly minor escalations on my side. First was over something like inappropriate clothing once, and the second was a jealousy situation, she apologized for both incidents.
It’s been 6 months since the final breakup, so I’ve already moved on and I’m at peace. I’m just trying to analyze and understand what actually happened.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
Look. Breaking up over minor issues is even worse.
It shows neither of you has much frame or conviction. It's toast regardless of whatever else you wrote
pofkaf 1 1w ago
Read about the "Light Switch Effect." When a woman determines that a relationship is finished, she flips a switch. She becomes completely cold and distant. Furthermore, she suddenly thinks that the entire relationship was bad.
There is no savaging a relationship at that point. You are completely dead to her. Any attempts to regain her will just slap you in the face.
Carav66 1w ago
Thanks, that actually makes a lot of sense.
It does seem to match pretty closely what happened in my situation. I’ll read more into it.
Musicgoon78 3 1w ago
Jeeesuuus! I stopped reading this after a while. This relationship is torched and you need to have enough abundance to move on. You also need the strength to tell someone you don't want monogamy.
This is pure drama and dysfunction.
Carav66 1w ago
I get what you’re saying, but it’s not really about moving on, I’ve already done that.
Also, I never said I wanted an open relationship. Cheating can happen, it doesn’t necessarily mean I didn’t want monogamy.
My post isn’t about fixing anything or going back, it’s just about understanding her reaction at the end. If you read the whole thing, that’s really the only point I’m trying to figure out.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1w ago
Are you a chick? "It just happened, tee-hee!"
Fuck dude, take some responsibility for your choices and actions.
It does. Your actions betray you.
"Ignore what they say, but watch what they do" doesn't just apply to women. Your actions say you don't want to be monogamous. And that's fine! You just have to be OK with letting go of the women who aren't OK with that.
There was a similar situation in a thread on the trp.red side of the site a couple of years ago, and we told him the same thing. Highlights:
https://www.trp.red/feed/status/156038
https://www.trp.red/feed/status/156126
https://www.trp.red/feed/status/156213
https://www.trp.red/feed/status/156361 quote from my good buddy in this one:
Moralizing is against the rules here, so I'll just focus on the pragmatic side of this.
Usually when people (men or women) appeal to "honor", they're trying to manipulate you into doing something that serves their interests over your own.
However, if by going back on your word you show that your word is empty, people aren't going to trust you and they will act accordingly.
If you want to lie to get what you want, you have to be prepared to live with the consequences of getting caught.
GeorgeIII 1 1w ago
I keep seeing you write you are over it, just wondering what went wrong AT THE END.
Ignoring whether you’re really over it, despite writing a text wall, I think you are totally glossing over the entire path that led you here.
No actual dates? On and off? Periods of distance? Infidelity by you? The “trap”?
It doesn’t really matter what was the final straw. Most of what we read comes across as just not a very good relationship value for her.
She doesn’t get to go do cool/expensive places with you, when you are distance/broken up she can’t show you off to her friends/family. And you weren’t faithful despite being exclusive. The question I’m asking myself is why did she deal with you this long. Not why it ended.
My dude, it’s not about your frame here. Whether you have one or not, it won’t matter if dating you is just a sucky experience.
If I had rock hard, unwavering frame, but my relationship proposal was to live in a garbage dump on cup noodles for the rest of my life, women would not be impressed about it and submit to me. They would just go find some other guy whose frame is more palatable to enter. That’s what I was getting at when I told you to “re-read what you wrote”.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1w ago
This right here.
First-light 2 1w ago
I think the issue here is not one of frame. However your frame a turd, its still a turd. She didn't like the infidelity and she didn't like the lies. Once she had seen them, she could not unsee them no matter how well the picture was framed. They were not giving her what she wanted and once she had made her mind up to this effect, she checked out and waited till it was time to split.
This is not a moral ticking off. I have been a cheat myself and seen how it can play out. I tried it openly and that really messed with her head, so I did it covertly and that messed at least as much. We all make choices and many times the eventual regret is only that someone was hurt. We do not actually regret the actual choice. We did it because we wanted to more than the other options.
I think women's minds are quite easily marked and when they get sufficiently hurt, there is almost never a way back. Think of all those relationships you know where a man lives with a discontented woman who he will never win back but just he just soldiers on. That woman has checked out emotionally but she has not for whatever reason moved on. Women feel insecure inside and they often do not move on unless they are getting security from somewhere else. They can stay with a man, going through the motions and be emotionally checked out. Women are better at faking it than men.
So its probably not at the end that the reasons are to be found. At the end the opportunity was just there -like you say she got a good job and the fact that you were working hard and not making a lot certainly was a reason to quit on one side and a minimal pull back on the other. Probably friends have told her to be upset she was never taken out much but while she was with you, it was OK because she was happy being with you. When she is not happy, then her view changes and she sees only the negatives.
The first infidelity is not always a killer blow. She is in love and she thinks she can fix it. Its when she is less in love and she realises that actually she has not fixed anything that it gets worse.
You have to bring a lot to the table to hold a woman in one sided monogamy or she needs to see an advantage in the arrangement and most women really don't see an advantage. They want security and sharing a man does not give them as much security, sharing a lying man makes them feel insecure. They then have to decide when they go, not if. Some never go and their men suffer for life.
A good thing I once heard was "A woman never leaves a man without support" I am not sure it is always true but it is usually true. She needs to have enough support, to feel secure enough to do a thing she may have wanted to do for ages.
No-Stress-Cat 1 1w ago
If you're arguing with a woman, you've lost frame.
If you're having to defend your decisions, you've lost frame.
If you're trying to appease her for whatever, you've lost frame.
If you're finding yourself digging through the trash, you've lost frame.
You allowed her to flip the dynamic, giving her the upper hand. At that point, you became her bitch. Her back and forth was her attempt to pull you into her orbit, keep you on as a useful idiot, but realized it was a lost cause. She mentally checked out a long time ago. All she needed was an excuse to pull the plug.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1w ago
Giving you a +1 point flair for this and other responses.
CC: @Vermillion-Rx
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
Well deserved point flair