Hello everyone, hope you're doing well.
I'm in a difficult situation with my LDR (yes, I know LDRs are generally not advisable). We've been together for 6 months, and the sex is good. At the beginning, I made it clear that I don't accept girls' night out (GNO) or her getting drunk. She agreed.
Two months after setting that boundary, she went on a GNO and got drunk with her friends while on her period. She told me her married sister was there too, but I don't believe her. Radio silence from her since 10 PM(didn’t message her and didn’t call). I was on her instagram close friends list at the time (I could see her archived stories). She posted a picture at the restaurant, but also uploaded something else to her close friends that she quickly unadded me from, so I couldn't see it.
I'm pretty sure she violated the boundary I set and got drunk (in addition to lying). Now I need to act accordingly or i’ll appear weak.
Because we're exclusive, and following past advice from you guys, I've already started collecting other girls I haven't slept with yet. My goal now is to demote her to a plate and use some dread game.
How should I proceed to demotion and detaching ( i feel like i have some oneitis for this chick).
Thank you a lot folks.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1w ago
LDR and violated a boundary this soon?
I advise that you save yourself the hassle and trouble and just move on to other women.
If you don't end it, she will. May as well just pull the plug.
Machiaspinner 1w ago
Thank you a lot. I’ll end it soon , i just need to prepare my rebounds .
No-Stress-Cat 1w ago
End it soon? What, you going to let her down easy, and slowly over time?
Dude, just pull the plug. She had no problem stepping all over your boundaries like you're some kind of chump.
Or are you?
[deleted]
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
Dump her.
One of you is exclusive
Sick of dudes not understanding what dread is for for fucks sake
Dread isn't some mystical wizardry you pull out of a hat to fix your relationship. Jesus Christ guys. It's for specific situations involving dead bedrooms usually in marriage or long term relationships, not because your fresh gf who doesn't even live near you is possibly sampling cock or at least making herself able to get the attention of other dick
The second dudes mention dread on here I cannot take them seriously whatsoever. Most misunderstood concept in game by far
"If only I just dread my gf, she'll stop acting like a disloyal hoe!"
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1w ago
RE: dread
I was pretty drunk last night, so I had intended to come back to this to say something similar.
Fucker beat me to it!
But yeah, @Machiaspinner dread is:
1) the fear of loss. If she doesn't give 2 shits about losing you because you're replaceable, you can't run dread on her.
2) not allowing yourself to be taken for granted. In this particular situation, your best bet at not being taken for granted by her is to move on.
mattyanon Admin 1w ago
Similar to my comment, but I tried to be kinder :)
Machiaspinner 1w ago
Thank you a lot . I don’t think she cheated because the next day she was in my city and we had very good sex , the major problem is that she lied to me.
Machiaspinner 1w ago
Also i phrased i don’t accept GNO as : i won’t take you seriously if you keep going on GNO , for that i thought maybe i’ll demote her to plate and prepare other rebounds.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
no. If she goes to GNO at night and you said you don't do that and she goes anyway then she is not your girlfriend. She is everyone's girlfriend
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
okay, so dump her.
It's shitty that that happened to you, and next time dump them before you have sex with them again. Girls nights out, especially with drinks, are disgusting for reason
private stories and not responding = bad news. Vet better next time. No more LDRs
Machiaspinner 1w ago
Clear and sharp, thank you a lot
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
No problem, some times you gotta hear it straight. Go fuck 10 other women
First-light 2 1w ago
The unadding you seems to me the thing that well and truly smashed the boundary of fairness. Couples have to negotiate boundaries and sometimes we don't get things all our way if we want the other person in our life but once they start to be clearly dishonest then its not a negotiation any more, its a scam.
I doubt you can demote her to plate easily because a LDR takes effort and expense. You do things you wouldn't do for someone casual.
I also don't think you can dread her because what can you realistically threaten to do -break more boundaries of exclusivity? That just gives her reason to do the same. If you post pics of you having a great time with ladies, its not going to make her act any better. She can't see you in day to day life being high value and getting attention. You can't tell her you will dump her if she hides stuff behind your back again because she is already doing it and you have not dumped her.
All you can do is move on. I appreciate you may find this easier when you have banged the next girl but its harder work to do this while still talking to this one and if you arrange to meet her, it is a big effort of expense and logistics.
Do what you want to do with this girl (except actually value her) but whatever you do, move on as your priority. You can't invest in someone who acts against your wishes behind your back.
Machiaspinner 1w ago
Thanks a lot , that’s what i will do , dumping her and moving on.
Musicgoon78 3 1w ago
You have two stacked problems here brother.
I get it, many years ago I had this gorgeous, fun, smart adventurous and amazing in bed girl. She's definitely in my fits me perfectly category. The one problem was, she was four hours away.
I realistically couldn't stop seeing other women or put my life on hold for her. We never had a huge breakup just a sad goodbye. So I understand the draw, but the distance makes logistics, boundary enforcement and repetition a huge problem. I'm sure you had fun, but this wasn't a relationship and wasn't going to last. Enforcing boundaries over long distance is a powerless exercise.
Let's move onto problem 2. I'm going to say that what your decide are your boundaries are are yours to keep. To add to this, I would like to warn you that completely forbidding a girl's night out is like wearing a neon sign on your head that says "I'm insecure and have no value".
Most weak or insecure women will let this stand for a while, but you'll eventually be the "insecure asshole that she escaped". Let me ask you, do you want to be her boyfriend and also be her best girl? That's more work on you that will lead to zero reward.
I'm going to ruffle a lot of feathers here by saying that most of the guys that forbid their girls from living their own lives are vastly insecure and weak. You get older and you don't fear saying truthful shit.
The women I'm with usually fear me going out without them. So much so, that I really wish they would have a girl's night out and climb out of my ass.
The guys that don't cling are the guys that build passive dread. They know their worth and are valued by everyone enough to be admired instead of cheated on and forgotten.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1w ago
For my part, I agree. I'll also add that a decent woman will want to avoid situations like that, if she's into you.
I wish my wife had female friends who are local to us for the same reason. I don't want to be her only face-to-face social interaction every day.
SeasonedRP 2 1w ago
Totally agree. Women know how to act if they want to keep a man around. Laying down rules looks weak and makes the man appear insecure about getting women.
GeorgeIII 1 1w ago
OP, you’ve already got advice from the other commenters, but before you post stuff like this, read it out loud to yourself.
The whole thing you wrote sounds like a disaster. If anyone else here had written this, and you read it, you would’ve immediately told them to dump the bitch.
It’s a thing I see with many posts on here (not just you OP). Re-reading what you are writing almost always answers the relationship Q
mattyanon Admin 1w ago
Brutal truth: you want to appear strong because you are weak.
I know that hurts, but it's true. She violated a boundary and she knew you would give her a pass because you have given her enough security.
Demote to plate: excellent idea. "You broke our agreement and you behaved like someone I can't be exclusive with. That's fine, we all make mistakes, but things are different: we are no longer exclusive." No negotiations.
Dread: nah mate. This is you trying to train her. This is you painting lipstick on a pig. All that will happen is that she'll give you false promises at best. You're LDR, she's betrayed your trust, she's lied to you. Dread game is for loyal women losing sexual interest. You are dealing with a woman who lies and inches towards cheating. That's not dread time, that's "I shouldn't be exclusive with this girl".
You cannot change her.
She did this.
The end.
Fuck 12 beautiful women then report back.
If you can't do this, work on fixing that.
Exclusivity is only for men with great options.
GeorgeIII 1 1w ago
I wouldn’t even bother keeping her as a plate. She is distance, so there will be too much work texting and arranging logistics for that.
There’s also the risk of continuing to be emotionally tangled with her.
And of course, the lying and hiding the GNO is very explicitly disrespect. She knows what she is doing, that’s why she is hiding. Only thing more disrespectful would be to tell it to your face OP.