I had a situation today and I want objective input, not validation.
Context: girl I’m seeing, we’ve had a boundary before about not bringing up exes unnecessarily. I find it disrespectful and made that clear in the past.
We were having coffee, light vibe. I made a joke (in hindsight maybe edgy), she responded with:
“a Russian used to tell me this too, you’re not the first guy”
I interpreted that as bringing up an ex again + subtle comparison.
I stayed calm, didn’t react immediately. After ~10 minutes of normal convo I said, very calmly:
“next time you mention your exes I’m leaving”
She responded with: “what? you’re threatening me?” “it’s not okay for you to make these jokes”
I held frame, said: “there’s no threat, I’m just letting you know” “you can tell me directly without disrespect” “this conversation is finished”
Then I shifted to logistics (groceries) and moved on. No emotional escalation after that.
My question:
Was this: A) justified enforcement of a known boundary B) miscalibrated / overreaction given context C) correct idea but poor execution/timing
Specifically: • Was her comment actually disrespect, or just reactive to my joke? • Did my boundary come off as controlled or forced? • Would a higher-level response have been ignoring + addressing later?
Looking for experienced takes, not surface-level “just communicate bro” advice.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 6h ago
Was she even talking about an ex? Sounds like she had some history maybe but either way she shit tested you and you failed.
Also what is your issue with her talking about exes? You sound inexperienced. I want women to spill deets about the history unfiltered in the beginning for some time so I can eliminate them as viable prospects if their past is too sloppy or they fucked an irredeemable loser at some point in their major life history.
Do you just have a super low body count and hearing a single thing about an ex throws you over the edge? Retroactive jealousy?
Obviously if a woman is saying shit like "my ex was hot" "my ex and I had hot good sex" "my ex was better looking than you" "I liked my ex's bigger cock" or something then yeah that's fucked up, in which case you shouldn't even want anything to do with such a woman
To a lesser extent it's not fun hearing unnecessary recaps of a woman's past with exes if you've already generally heard about the guy(s) and the shit she brings up is just redundant extra details that don't really differ from what you've already gathered.
Otherwise man you're just asking this chick to stop giving you potentially deal-breaking information early on. There is shit I would have liked to know about some girls I've dated and wished they'd said more sooner because the shit they ended up telling me was a hard deal-breaker.
What is your end goal other than just not wanting to feel butthurt? You seem to just have a broad brush rule to keep yourself in the dark for comfort
Charisma 5h ago
I get your angle, but I think you’re mixing a few things.
First, I don’t have an issue with hearing about a woman’s past in general. Early on, yeah, it can be useful information. I’m not trying to stay in the dark for comfort.
For context, we’ve been seeing each other for about 4 months, so this isn’t early “information gathering” stage anymore.
What I don’t like is bringing exes into the current dynamic unnecessarily, especially in a way that’s tied to me. There’s a difference between:
“I dated X, this is what happened”
vs
“My ex used to say this exact thing to me”
The second one puts you in a comparison frame, even if it’s subtle or unintentional.
In this specific situation, I can see how her comment was reactive to my joke, not her trying to reminisce or compare seriously. So yeah, I’ll admit it probably didn’t require that level of enforcement in the moment.
Where I’ll adjust is timing and calibration, not the boundary itself.
I don’t think it’s about insecurity or retroactive jealousy, it’s more about keeping the interaction clean. But I agree that overcorrecting too early can create unnecessary tension.
How to move forward
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3h ago
pick your battles
or explain more clearly what you don't want.
She's a woman, it's going to slip out, they can't stop telling on themselves. It doesn't matter if you say "don't talk about exes" they will , especially if they are not over them
GeorgeIII 5h ago
Dude you cooked yourself there. From your own writing you sound to me like you got triggered by mention of this ‘Russian dude’. Your side of the story. $20 this chick thinks you are triggered too.
We still haven’t even heard if this guy was actually an ex of hers.
Are you looking for disrespect just to call it out?
Charisma 2h ago
Should I move on from it or restart the topic? Talk to her again about it? Now that I’m level headed I realise I don’t want to dump her over mentioning her ex in the future
First-light 2 1h ago
It does look weak. It looks like you are easily triggered. Was she even having a shot at triggering you?
If its worth it to you to end it with her over this then carry on as you are.
If not, its important not to have nukes as you next escalation. "I will leave you if..." is the "I will fire nukes if..." option. You can take it no further. She is now having to walk on eggshells and you will look weak if she makes a simple error, lets something slip and you don't follow through. Another time say "Is this an ex again?" give her room to respond and back down. Of course they don't always back down but she might have and then there would be no need for the threat of the nuclear option, which you then even had to double down on. Even if she does not back down probe gently to get the back down. Unless she is trying to piss you off, she will not want to upset you. If you let her back down with face saved, it will be OK. If you make it an accusation, not an observation, it will require a defence to save face.
Charisma 41m ago
Should I move on from it or restart the topic? Talk to her again about it? Now that I’m level headed I realise I don’t want to dump her over mentioning her ex in the future
SeasonedRP 2 47m ago
Like First-light said, this kind of behavior comes across as very weak to a woman. I think you are overly sensitive and overreacted. Further, spelling out boundaries like that doesn't exactly spur attraction. Women know how to act if they want to keep a man.
Charisma 41m ago
Should I move on from it or restart the topic? Talk to her again about it? Now that I’m level headed I realise I don’t want to dump her over mentioning her ex in the future