Over the past year, I've lost some weight, and moved. I've done probably 80 cold approaches over the past 7 months, but the since the new year I've kind of given up. I had some positive reactions for about 3 of the cold approaches, even got a date on the spot out of one, but since I've moved I've been demotivated and kicking myself for fucking up. Haven't gotten anywhere past conversations,and haven't approached since the new year and I find myself falling back in to shitty habits and thinking that I'll never get laid. I find myself falling back into this victim mindset that I've been working on ending and thinking that I'll never make it happen. How do I get myself out of this slump? How can I motivate myself when I feel like shit?
If I were to try to answer myself, I would say the best way out of this slump is to try dating apps again or maybe to keep building my social circle up in my new city and work on that first. Establish a social proof and maybe expand enough to find a girl. To kill the victim mindset that is persisting, maybe therapy or something like that.
First-light 2 1d ago
Join a book club? These are full of women talking about their desires and frustrations. You don't have to ask any of them out but they will teach you a lot about talking with women. If you can see some socially, they will have friends you can ask out. Even if you don't you will get a structured way to learn to talk in ways they find interesting.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2d ago
Get friends
All of the guys who struggle with approaches struggle with having friends
[deleted]
Overkill_Engine Endorsed Contributor 2d ago
@GetMoreBooks
To explicate that, this is for two main reasons. One, you probably need more practice with social skills/situations, and it helps accrue social proof.
The second is so that you have something at all other than her going on in your life. Nothing turns a woman off like a dude that has nothing outside of her.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2d ago
It's not even just that
A lot game: pulling, logistics, spontaneous plans are often learned through hanging out with friends
Men without a good base of friend xp fail to see very clear and obvious means of making things happen
GetMoreBooks 1d ago
Definitely need more practice with social situations. I've been cultivating putting myself out there more and talking to people.
For the second thing I'm working on trying a bunch of hobbies now.
GetMoreBooks 1d ago
Thanks. Right now I'm attending events several times a week to see the same people every week and build friendships over time, so I'll keep working at it.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1d ago
Sounds good, it will help you understand fundamentals that transfer well to dating
No-Stress-Cat 2d ago
I would recommend you go get a hooker. The aura and mystery of what it's like to get laid will then be revealed. The reality is, once you know what a wet hole feels like, it's all the same after that.
GetMoreBooks 1d ago
Thanks for the advice but that's not for me. I don't feel like I need to get laid bad enough to get a hooker. If I'm 40 and still a virgin all bets are off though lol.
Musicgoon78 3 1d ago
I usually think you give good advice. I disagree with you respectfully on this one brother. A hooker won't give a guy a sense of accomplishment.
First-light 2 1d ago
I don't think that's what he meant. A whore would dispel the aura of mystery and untouchability that surrounds women for an older virgin. With that gone the great imaginary glass window that you are on one side of and women and non virgins are on the other is broken. A woman is just a person with a fuck hole, ask her nicely and you may get to use it.
What holds you back from whores as an older virgin is what you were alluding to -it would feel like a failure, like shooting your first deer in a fenced hunting ranch. You would feel like a sad loser who had to pay for it. It would not count.
That is why when I was a virgin in my mid 20's I never would have dared try whores. Fast forward to when I was a freshly separated man in my early 30's who had married and was now divorcing the only girl friend he had ever had, whores proved a great help to me. They blew away the mystery of women for me. These were just dysfunctional lazy women who thought sex was such a small deal that anyone with a day's minimum wages in his hand could get inside them. If some women could be so easy, then maybe it wasn't such a big thing and now that I had done it with a number of women, I was several times more confident of the whole process than I had been even though I had fathered two children by then.
One afternoon after visiting the whore house, I got up the courage to ask out a smoking hot girl I had known for over a year and was soon taking out all my years of pent up frustration on her pussy at least 5 times a night. I have never considered paying whores again but they actually helped me get over the "forbidden mystery" of women. They are not the solution to losing your virginity (you can't really say you have lost your virginity with a whore) but I believe that they are a potentially useful step for some guys.
Musicgoon78 3 13h ago
It's myopic to think that most men just need a wet hole. If this was the case here would only be hookers and johns.
As it stands, I think that "just fuck a hooker" doesn't address any sort of logical errors or untangle emotional knots that come from a lack of sexual accomplishment.
It's a lot like wanting to be an ivy league graduate but not going to school and buying a diploma to fill out yourself.
"Well bro, now you know what's it's like to have a diploma"..... Do you actually?
This is the most half assed shortcut you could take. It's like having a an infected tooth and you simply drink whiskey to forget about the pain.
What does OP learn about himself or how to attract and maintain a legitimate relationship by banging a hooker?
If this is a viable solution, explain it to me.
First-light 2 11h ago
He still has to do everything else to get socially competent and able to understand people.
I doubt you ever had the problem I am referring to but women can appear something different, something untouchable when you have been a virgin for many years. This feeling can itself be limiting to you in talking to them. They are beyond you.
There is also a great fear in an older virgin of "I will fuck up and drive her away with my utter awkwardness and incompetence" You may well, for example, fear to take her hand in case you somehow hold her hand wrong. A young boy experimenting with a young girl never really had this problem as they were both more or less new to it but when you are older and with a woman who is also older, you know she expects you to know what to do with her and this is on your mind making you feel awkward talking to her.
A whore is like hiring a climbing guide. If you climb a mountain with a guide you can't say you really did the route but you will know more about mountains. Just to have had your hands on a woman makes a difference to your confidence level and allays your fear of embarrassing yourself.
Its certainly not a cure for the problem of being an older virgin but it could be part of a combination strategy.
Musicgoon78 3 10h ago
I think it's deleterious to think in absolutes. For example I can relate to OP because I grew up with epilepsy. My formative teenage years were spent with a revoked driver's license, and a stifled dating life. I was "the sick kid".
Assigning a fear to OP and then giving him a bandaid for his bullet wounds isn't going to change anything.
So I suppose older women are not patient with someone so he should be even more scared?
Just so I have this correct, I can't empathize with the poster because you feel like I was inherently good with women since I was young?
So he should feel lesser than younger guys with more experience? He is scared because fear is most likely going to come from the idea of doing something wrong? So he should keep this on his mind to feel awkward and try to fight this awkwardness off by buying a hooker?
How exactly is this giving our poster any strength, agency, autonomy or even a clear path out of this?
Did you notice that he said the idea wasn't for him?
Being an older virgin isn't a problem, it's simply a state. If OP just wanted sex, yes he could hire a prostitute, he wants a connection. You can't buy that. 30 minutes with a hooker sure as shit isn't going to strengthen his inner frame or his emotional health.
I respectfully disagree. This is a fear based coping strategy. It's s built on fear that simply keeps internal growth from happening.
First-light 2 3h ago
No worries, we disagree about this one.
As you say, its not for him anyway.
To me its like letting a kid drive an old car round a field before he starts driving lessons, so he can get used to changing gear or, having him shoot clays before he first goes out after duck. Learning to drive is more about fitting in with what others are doing on the road but knowing how to go through the gears is one thing less to worry about. It can take a fair amount of field craft to get you under a duck but at least when that novice first hears the sound of wings he knows, he has a reasonable chance of connecting with the bird when he swings the gun. He won't be scared of fumbling things.
Its a wide world and there are lots of ways to skin a cat.
Musicgoon78 3 1d ago
There's your problem bro. Your mindset is out of sorts.
How much do you get out of the house? Also are you lifting and getting some regular exercise? If you're not interacting with people and not taking care of your body first, you're going to be out of sorts.
Now let's sort out this mentality bullshit. Seriously stop this negative talk. Would you ever voluntarily put your balls on a chopping block and pound them with a claw hammer? If the answer is no then you need to stop the negative talk. Both do the same thing, they take away your masculinity.
Women love to talk. Just go fucking talk. Start there. No agendas, no quota, no stupid alpha rules, no reliance on results. Your focus should be to just enjoy conversations with everyone.
Let me let you in on something all of the Players, gurus, and dating coaches won't tell you: all of them tout a performance instead of learning to center yourself. I was a late bloomer myself. Right now you're trying to shove yourself into a mold or framework that isn't you. This is why you feel so depressed and stressed and have this anxiety. This is your body telling you that this social architecture is not you. Find who you are. That's attractive.
So here's your recipe for success, but you must define these things by knowing yourself.
Know what you want to do to get fit and do it. You're lifting for yourself not women. This helps massively.
Get out and socialize. Talk to everyone and more importantly listen. This is an important skill that about 90% of the unsuccessful guys cannot master. This will get you very very far.
Go out and do thing that you enjoy. Don't do those to get chicks. This is for your own mental well-being.
Be decisive. Decide what you want and go after it.
Rejections and mistakes are feedback. They gift you with knowledge and resilience. Make mistakes. It's how you grow.
When you implement all of these into your daily life. You'll have zero problems getting a girlfriend. You'll be a happy man and have your pick of women.
GetMoreBooks 1d ago
I get out of the house 4-5 times a week, either doing something new or going to an event group. I was lifting but was told to stop due to a hernia, so I've been focusing in on cardio and calisthenics. I work out every day for 20-30 minutes. The social stuff is recent, only the past 2-3 weeks, but the working out has been pretty consistent over the past 7 months. I'll cut the negative talk and keep working on chatting.
Thank you for both the line about finding who I am, and the recipe for success. I appreciate how detailed it is, it really helps me understand what I need to do.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1d ago
Stop that.